I lay awake in bed, looking at a pile of pillows lying where my husband used to sleep. We just got divorced and I was having difficulties coping with the isolation of being newly single.
Maurice and I used to be the toast of our friends. We had an incredible relationship but things went sour after we got married. Our romance flew out of the window, communication became estranged, there was no intimacy of any sort and we lived like strangers. There were questions I did not have answers to. Where did we go wrong? What was missing between us?
When and how this decline in our relationship started still remains a mystery to me. To onlookers, we looked like the perfect couple because we were big on PDA (public display of affection) but our relationship was a sinking ship.
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My ex-husband had a temper but I wasn’t totally blameless because I have a bad mouth. This wasn’t addressed while we were dating so it became a huge problem after we got married. He would flare up at the slightest provocation and my response would be a barrage of verbal diarrhea. If I thought it in my head then I’d say it with my mouth.
Courtship was fun, it was a walk in the park but marriage was tough. The true picture of marriage doesn’t come during courtship. There is also no blueprint for a perfect marriage. You’re never given a memo on what to expect. You’re supposed to learn “on the job” because the taste of the pudding is in the eating.
After 24 months, Maurice and I decided that we could no longer do this marriage thing together. It just wasn’t working. But you see, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realize that Maurice and I were actually good together. The problem is that we were just too proud and hot headed to sit down and talk things over. I wish one of us was brave enough to put in the effort needed to make our marriage work.
At the time, being married to him felt like the worst decision I ever made but I’ll be lying if I say I don’t miss him now. I don’t know what I was thinking when I asked him for a divorce. I remember the confused look on his face the first time I mentioned it. I remember how he looked so forlorn in the days that followed. There were times he paced the room trying to initiate a conversation but I’ll walk away.
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Whatever happened with Maurice and I did not call for a divorce. We could have worked things out if we tried. I regret a lot of things I said and did and I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still in love with my ex-husband and I still want to be his wife if he’ll have me. I had a good man once and I lost him.. now I want him back.
I’ve been stalking him on social media and I see his photos. He pretends to have moved on but I see the sad look in his eyes and I know that look.
I’m willing to swallow my pride and text him. I am willing to go for counseling if that will help. I am willing to work on myself… If Maurice will have me.
Divorcing the love of my life is the worst thing I have ever done. I believe I’m not alone in this. Most divorces were not really what the couples wanted.
I’ll have to find a way to right this wrong. Wish me the best cos I’ll be needing it.
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