Few years ago; I had lunch with a friend. It was just supposed to be us catching up on old times because we had not seen in a while. While the lunch was on, it was just normal for us to talk. This friend began to talk about someone so close to him. This was someone I had so much respect for and I kept wondering ‘how can you speak this way about this person?’ The things said were things that I consider sacred; you have access to such information by privilege. And just like that, he bore it all to me. Yes, we were close but even in our closeness, I understood something called ‘privileged access, sacred conversations’.
Two mistakes I made however were:
I didn’t attempt to stop him. I comfortably listened to him.
I left that date with a ‘if he did that to this person, what would he do to me?’ question. When I asked that question, I didn’t allow myself believe that it could happen to me too. Rather I told myself, ‘he can’t do this to me, he told me all that because of the relationship we share’. I forgot that the person spoken about in the grand scheme of things was actually more important than me in the equation of this person’s life. So I fell into the error of ‘exaggerating’ myself in a relationship.
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Recently, same thing happened in a deeply painful way. Could it have been avoided? Yes! Many times, people show us who they really are and instead of us to pick our lessons and relate with them from the reality of that revelation, we continue in hope that they will change somehow.
I also didn’t understand the concept of ‘privileged access, sacred conversations’. I didn’t understand that it is a privilege for people to allow you unhindered access into their lives. It is the height of vulnerability for anyone to open up to you about any and everything and that level of vulnerability should be reciprocated with confidentiality. When we understand this simple truth, we handle the unconscious things others entrust us with better. Not every occurrence is gist worthy, protect and preserve the dignity of the relationships around you.
I have seen people get off phone calls with others and instantly call someone else to give them a download of the conversation and in the process, absolutely private things were spilled. If you cannot be an ‘Information Security Officer’, discourage people from confiding in you till you can. When people allow you access in confidence, don’t repay such with betrayal. They may never know but bear in mind that is an emotionally unsavory thing to do.
Access is privileged, conversations are sacred; the understanding of this will definitely save your relationship.
