Have you ever been abandoned, left alone, divorced, fired, ignored, or ghosted with no explanation, not a good explanation, or an explanation that you just could not accept? You want answers but you also want the answers that will make you feel better about being unexpectedly dumped. Or was it really that unexpected! You do not get those answers, you only have questions: “How could they do this to me?” “What could I have done differently?” “Were there signs along the way that I missed that something was wrong?” “How can I trust myself to do the right thing in future?” As a result, you become dependent on someone or something else to give you “closure”. Closure is your desire for an answer that leaves “no” room for uncertainty so you can move on, stop feeling powerless, and out of control. It hijacks your peace of mind, productivity, and freedom to just be.
The situation could be memories creeping up and consuming your present that bring up pain, fear, regret, sadness, or anger from various situations, like:
• Betrayal.
• Abuse.
• Loss of loved one, job, or your identity.
• Traumatic accident.
• Doing something wrong.
• Not doing something you should have.
No closure disrupts you mentally because as a human you naturally seek understanding and answers. When the answers do not come, you jump to conclusions, making all kinds of assumptions, taking everything personally, and cherry pick information that suits your narrative in the moment. You become stressed out, angry, sad, or frustrated acting out in unhealthy ways for yourself and others.
“There comes a day, when you realize, turning the page is the best feeling in the world;
because, you realize, there’s so much more to the book,
than the page you were stuck on.” Zayn Malik
You are responsible for obtaining the closure that you need whether you get answers or not. No one else can do it for you. Even if you get answers, you will never know if it is an honest answer or correct assessment of the situation. You must learn how to no longer feel any emotional attachment to, pain, or anger toward the other person or situation. And yes, it can be hard because ending the relationship or event is significant, has value and meaning for you. You are left with no resolution. And as you talk with your friends about it, know that every person’s need for closure is different. When under stress, your need for closure increases with feelings of anxiety and depression questioning your judgment, skills, and abilities. To find your own closure, you must:
• Take responsibility for your own actions, know what you deserve, set boundaries.
• Do not obsess over finding closure.
• Interpret those of others as best you can with forgiveness.
• Accept that you may never have the perfect answer.
• Allow your emotions. It hurts! But do not blame yourself or others.
• Focus on your present and what you have, not your past or what is missing.
• Reflect as best you can what happened and learn from it.
• Reframe how you look at loss, seeing and seizing upon the opportunity from loss.
• Allow fresh memories for recovery and healing.
• Seek help as needed. You do not have to struggle alone.
Relationships, closure, and emotions are complicated to process. You must learn to live with the possibility that you will not have the closure you seek, and flashbacks will occur. Be open to the possibility that you already have closure just not the kind you want. You “hope” they or it will change. But you could be waiting needlessly and forever. Life goes on. Live your life because it is the only one you have! You will choose your actions deciding what closure will cost you! Do not allow it to be a roadblock on your path forward. The simple truth is that people who want you, do not make it difficult. Draw your own conclusion. The cost of hanging on to get the closure you want is like poison spreading throughout every area of your life – your being! You do not have to wait for permission to move on from waiting on someone giving you closure. Do not put your life on hold. You are not a victim!
“It’s not the load that breaks you down; It’s the way you carry it.”
