The effects of trauma in marriage

A lot of people are suffering from their spouse’s dysfunctions and trauma while their spouses are most times in denial and live a carefree life.

If you come from a dysfunctional background where your parents were absent and emotionally unavailable or a marital crisis marked your home, this is for you. And if you’re married to someone with such an upbringing, you’ll also gain some helpful insights here.

Let’s start with the partner who grew up in that environment.

You may struggle to put in the level of commitment that marriage requires. On the one hand, you’re still haunted by the trauma you witnessed growing up, and on the other, you’re afraid of missing out on possibilities “out there.”

This restless state of mind may make you avoid vulnerability, intimacy, affection, and commitment, even if your spouse gives their all.

Let’s make it more robust below:

• Difficulty in Commitment: You might find yourself holding back, emotionally unavailable, and unsure how to be vulnerable with your spouse. Trauma has a way of making us feel unsafe, even in safe places.

• Fear of Conflict: When confronted by your spouse, especially during an argument or when they challenge you to grow, you may feel a sudden urge to leave. You threaten to end the relationship at the slightest disagreement, constantly on the edge of wanting to escape.

• Struggle with Accountability: Accountability may feel like bondage. Why trust anyone else if your parents couldn’t offer you love and security? This makes it hard to be entirely faithful or committed because you constantly seek escape—whether it’s through work, hobbies, or other distractions.

Until you recognise how your upbringing has shaped you, you can’t fully address these issues.

You need to explore your attachment style, understand how trauma has redefined your personality, and lean into a relationship with God to heal. Therapy is crucial here, too. Don’t dismiss it by saying, “I don’t need help.” Accepting that you need healing is the first step.

Now, if you’re married to someone who comes from such a background, here’s what you need to know:

• It’s Not Your Fault: You might feel inadequate or failing as a spouse. But know that your partner may have a lens clouded by trauma that prevents them from seeing and appreciating the good you bring. It’s not about you, it’s about the unresolved pain they’re carrying.

• Spiritual Warfare: Trauma often opens the door to deep-seated spiritual struggles. Interceding for your spouse is critical. Consecrate their heart to God, praying for healing and openness to vulnerability.

• Manage Expectations: Understand that your partner might not be able to meet all your emotional needs, at least not immediately. Be mindful of your communication, manage your demands, and build a solid relationship with God to help balance your challenges.

For both of you, counseling is essential. Get help, seek wisdom, and surround yourselves with a support system that understands your journey. Accountability, exposure to resources, and therapy are key to healing. But if you feel like you’ve done everything and the marriage is still causing harm to your mental health, don’t ignore your well-being. Separation can be a necessary step in toxic or abusive situations, but make sure you speak up and get support and counsel.

If you’d like to talk more about this, I work with couples navigating difficult marriages, and I’d be happy to walk through this journey with you. Book a session with me, and let’s explore this together. Do send an email to [email protected]