Olivia and Sarah sat scowling at each other from across the room, waiting for their father to come and ‘settle’ them as usual. Their fights were getting less fierce because their parents had become intentional about teaching them how to fight fairly and resolve conflicts quickly, but they were still not yet able to fully resolve their conflicts on their own.
Mr Yusuf burst out in laughter as he entered the room and noticed the fiery looks his preteen twin daughters were exchanging with each other. “These looks can burn down this house though, let me quickly grab the fire extinguisher”, he said, making a faux dash out of the room which set the girls laughing.
It was important to him that his children learnt kindness to each other during the inevitable conflicts that would show up. He didn’t want them to repeat the experiences he had had with his siblings. He had grown up in a home where fights were wild amongst his siblings and himself, and it was acceptable in their neighbourhood too. The ‘normal’ way of speaking to each other was in foul uncouth language and name-calling was the order of the day.
As they grew up, he remembered how each sibling was opinionated and would not as much as listen to the views of the other, not to talk of accepting them. Their parents had assumed that they would naturally outgrow this and would take sides with one child or the other. As a result, there was a subtle animosity that existed between the children which persisted until adulthood. He remembered a particular incident when he had just turned 18 years old, when his sister held a knife to his throat because they had been unable to agree on something.
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Over the years the animosity between the siblings grew as they hardly talked to each other when they were apart. By this time their parents had noticed that the matter was out of hand and tried to get them to agree but it wasn’t working. Each one said the other person was toxic and didn’t want to relate with them.
The incident that broke the camel’s back was when his sister refused to pick his repeated calls on a particular night. She was the one who lived in the same town as their parents. His mother had called him in a frenzy that their father had just collapsed and she couldn’t reach his sister so she called him instead. He called her and her phone just kept ringing with no response.
By the next morning she sent him a message saying it was fun to watch his phone ring, and that she even danced at some point. Unfortunately, their father had passed that night as there had been no means of conveying him to the emergency room in time.
It was a tough experience for them and his sister in particular could hardly forgive herself for her actions that night just because she didn’t want to speak with her ‘toxic’ brother. It was also tougher that their father had to pass on to make them understand the negative effects of their ways. If they had been taught early how to be kind to each other, avoid the name-calling and rather focus on the issues during conflict resolution, their relationship with each other would have been better and their father may have gotten help promptly.
If you are a parent or guardian reading this, you would have had to resolve conflicts among your children or wards several times a day especially as they grow into their teens where their personal opinions seem to be sacrosanct. Teaching them to be kind and respectful to each other even when they disagree has multiple positive effects. Parents also need to model kindness when they disagree with each other because children copy what their parents do.
Conflicts are an inevitable and daily part of life which are easier to navigate when we arm ourselves with the tools needed to effectively resolve the conflicts without damaging the relationship in the present or sow seeds that wreck it in the future. Become intentional about positive conflict resolution today.
