10 ways to support someone who has lost a baby or had a miscarriage

… shedding light on ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week’, 9th-15th October

The pain of losing a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, is a profound grief that leaves parents with an overwhelming sense of emptiness and heartache. Having experienced such loss myself, I understand the depth of this sorrow. My husband and I lost our first daughter when she was just 16 months old, and a few years later, we endured the pain of a miscarriage. The weight of those losses is something that forever alters your heart. For many women, especially in societies like Nigeria where emotional vulnerability is often brushed aside, it can be a lonely road.

Baby Loss Awareness Week is here (9-15 October). It’s essential to know how we can support those around us who may be suffering in silence. Here are 10 meaningful ways to help someone who has lost a baby or a pregnancy:

1. Acknowledge Their Loss

The loss of a child, no matter how early, is a significant event. Saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” or even acknowledging the child’s name (if they’ve shared it) helps validate their pain. Many grieving parents feel like their child is forgotten, so simply acknowledging their grief goes a long way.

2. Be Present Without Offering Solutions

You don’t need to have all the right answers or words. Sometimes, just being there—whether physically or emotionally—can provide immense comfort. After our loss, the most comforting moments came from people who just sat with us, without saying much, just letting us know they were there. Avoid trying to fix their pain. Instead, offer your presence with words like, “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I am here for you.”

3. Listen Without Judgment

Let them express their grief in whatever way they need to. If they want to talk about the baby or their miscarriage, create a safe space where they can do so freely. I remember how much it helped when friends simply let me cry or talk about my daughter. Listen with empathy and without offering quick solutions or platitudes.

4. Avoid Hurtful Clichés

Statements like, “At least it happened early” or “You can always try again” can feel dismissive of their pain. Grief is not something to bypass, so avoid phrases that unintentionally invalidate their emotions. Instead, say, “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now.” For me, hearing that it was all part of “God’s plan” didn’t lessen the pain. I just needed to know it was okay to feel the hurt.

5. Give Them Time to Heal

Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and everyone processes loss differently. Encourage them to take all the time they need, without the pressure of “getting over it.” Send messages or check-ins periodically, not just immediately after the loss. When we lost our baby, the support faded quickly after the initial condolences. But the pain lingered, and those who continued to check in after weeks or months were the ones who made a lasting impact.

6. Remember Significant Dates

Marking anniversaries, the baby’s due date, or the date of the miscarriage shows that you haven’t forgotten. A simple message like, “I’m thinking of you today and remembering your little one,” can make a world of difference on what can be a painful day for the parents.

7. Offer Practical Support

Grief can be debilitating. Simple gestures like cooking a meal, helping with childcare (if they have other children), or running errands can lift some of the burdens during this challenging time. Offer specific help: “I’d love to bring over dinner one night this week—what day works best for you?”

8. Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help

For many, including myself, therapy was essential in healing. After the loss of our daughter, my husband and I buried our grief in different ways, and it wasn’t until years later that we both sought professional help. Therapy gave us the tools to navigate the depth of our sorrow. Sometimes the grief of losing a child can feel too heavy to carry alone. Gently encourage them to seek professional support if they feel stuck or overwhelmed.

9. Respect Their Grief Process

Some may want to talk about their loss openly, while others may need solitude. Respect their wishes and support them in the way they feel most comfortable. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently, so give them room to process their emotions as they see fit. My husband and I grieved in very different ways, and we had to learn to respect each other’s unique journey through it.

In Nigeria, faith plays a significant role in people’s lives. If you know the person is religious, offering to pray with them or letting them know you’re praying for their healing can bring comfort. Be mindful of their faith journey and express support in ways that align with their beliefs. For us, faith was a pillar during our healing process, but we had to rediscover God’s love and goodness in our pain. Prayer, both personal and from others, provided strength when words failed.

Supporting someone through baby loss or miscarriage requires sensitivity, patience, and understanding. The greatest gift you can offer is love—through your presence, words, and actions. As someone who has experienced this deep loss, I know that the pain never truly disappears, but with the right support, healing is possible. Let’s create a culture where grieving parents feel seen, heard, and supported during this ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week’ and beyond.