Many leaders today feel tremendous pressure to succeed, and as a result, create and accept a pseudo-self. This is a version of them that hides their warts and magnifies their best traits. Unfortunately, those who know us best and even those who work with us every day see right through this. They recognise our true selves and know we are not embracing that person. We won’t reach our full potential by investing energy into creating false versions of ourselves.
Narcissism goes beyond being concerned with oneself. It is more fitting to characterise the pathological narcissist as someone in love with an idealised self-image that they project to avoid being a subjugated or wounded person, says Preston Ni, a communications specialist. People with narcissism are the most insecure individuals in the room, but they have learned how not to show it.
If a narcissist is someone with a false self-image, then they are not typically very self-conscious. They may think they are right and understand themselves, but the illusion that drives them is an unavoidable obstacle to any proper self-understanding. The narcissist is living in a dream without self-awareness, and those around them are often viewed as mere objects rather than actual individuals with real feelings. This makes it possible for the narcissist to take advantage of others by manipulating them.
The question then is, how do we deal with a narcissist?
Managing a person with narcissistic attitudes is very complicated, and not all narcissists are alike, so you must deal with them according to your experiences. However, don’t think you are powerless. Here are strategies for handling a narcissist:
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First, you must get rid of your unrealistic expectation that they will change. Never expect a narcissist to realise their mistakes, or notice your pain, or commit to making changes; it is unrealistic. Often, narcissists believe they do no wrong and should be rewarded for how nice they are to others. Ask yourself some pertinent questions: Without this person, are you better off, or are there other ways of limiting the possible harm they could cause you? Come to terms with your emotions and needs because, rest assured, they’re not considered by a narcissist.
Your next strategy is to identify and set boundaries in relating to the narcissist. Think and determine what you will and won’t accept and what behavior you can limit. Is there anything you’ve tried before that seemed to help or didn’t? You need to weigh the balance of power between you and the narcissistic person and how it will affect your boundaries. This refers to a workplace setting, a family, and a relationship, where you now know that you have surrendered your self-worth to the narcissist to implement their self-belief of superiority. Once you’ve determined your boundaries and what needs to happen to feel safe, it’s important to stick to it. This may be difficult to do if you’re clawing back from trespassed boundaries in the past, but chances are a narcissist will test you, so keep those boundaries strong.
Also, you must be ready for a push back, psychologically, and emotionally, hence, the need to approach gently. If you try to say something to them, they may attack back. They will want to protect their fantasy image of themselves. It is challenging to address a narcissist’s conduct directly to their face knowing they may react and defend themselves, but it must be done. Just be gentle. Eventually, there will be fallout, and you must be prepared when it happens. They will be spiteful and vindictive, from silent treatment to malice, blackmail, bad-mouthing, ghosting, and every other level of pettiness in reaction to you. Remember, it will pass.
Right after your fall out with a narcissist, they will come for your sense of identity and self-worth by spinning narratives about who you are that colours people’s perspective of you. Never accept their interpretation of who you are or allow them to reduce your self-worth. Engage the support of people who get you, who are genuine, and can remind you what a good friendship or relationship feels like in times of need.
Maintain your calm and don’t allow yourself to be derailed. Narcissists can be antagonistic; they get under your skin and always provoke others into emotional reactivity to control them, which is why maintaining one’s sense of calm is so important. You must not attend to everything they say or do to you. Find the balance between moving ahead in the direction of your life pursuit and alleviating the insecurities of the narcissist.
Keep a positive outlook and don’t look ruffled. Even if you are feeling annoyed, never react; remember, the malicious behavior will diminish eventually. How do you keep a positive outlook? First, don’t lose your sense of purpose and goals. Second, maintain your sense of humour and never lose your source of joy and fun when dealing with a narcissist.
Recognise that the narcissist may need professional intervention. The grandiose type of narcissist truly has low self-esteem and a profound feeling of inadequacy. They have a selfish, harsh me-orientation and an inability to imagine the perspective of others. They are also sensitive and reactive but usually highly intelligent, and tragically flawed by rigidity. Bolstering their low self-esteem may not be something you can handle personally, but the narcissist will need professional help.
If someone in a leadership role is pathologically self-focused, typical motivations used to change behavior would be ineffective. If a person doesn’t care, or worse, is incapable of caring, such a person will continue to act in whatever way makes them feel good. Therefore, caution is urged for those in leadership lest they are caught up with the narcissism epidemic.
Sobande is a Lawyer and Leadership Consultant. He is a Doctoral Candidate at Regent University, Virginia Beach, USA, for a Ph.D. in Strategic Leadership. He can be contacted by Email: [email protected]
