I stumbled upon an interesting conversation on Instagram the other day. The topic was about not struggling to heal your wounds—just waiting, and when the wounds are ready, they’ll heal on their own. At first glance, this sentiment sounds comforting, almost like an invitation to release the burden of trying too hard to heal. But as I reflected on it, I realised something important: waiting alone, without actively engaging in the healing process, can sometimes leave those wounds lingering far longer than they should.
Healing doesn’t always happen on its own. Sometimes, those wounds need attention, care, and intentionality. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the pain and think that doing nothing is a form of self-care. But real healing? It’s an active process. It requires us to face our pain, nurture our hearts, and seek the right support.
Meet Two Clients of Mine
Let me introduce you to two clients of mine—Ruth and James—who experienced very different kinds of loss but approached their healing in very similar ways. They both believed that time alone would take care of their pain. But as we’ll see, waiting without actively engaging in their healing had significant consequences.
Ruth’s Story: The Quiet Erosion of Grief
Ruth came to me after experiencing the loss of her mother three years prior. She was a strong, resilient woman, who had always been the “fixer” in her family. When her mother passed, she poured her energy into making sure everything was in order for her family, but she never took the time to grieve properly herself. She believed that as long as she kept busy, time would eventually heal her pain.
For the first few months, it seemed like Ruth was coping well. But as time passed, subtle changes started to happen. She became irritable, had trouble sleeping, and started withdrawing from her friends and family. She convinced herself that the wound of losing her mother would eventually heal on its own if she just waited long enough. However, grief doesn’t disappear on its own, especially when it’s left unaddressed.
Three years after her mother’s death, Ruth felt more disconnected than ever. She hadn’t properly dealt with the loss, and it began to eat away at her relationships, her joy, and even her health. She started to feel physically unwell, with constant fatigue and migraines. Her grief had compounded over time because it hadn’t been processed. By the time she sought help, the pain was so deeply embedded that it took a lot more work to begin the healing journey.
Ruth’s story is a reminder that waiting for grief to heal on its own can have serious consequences. Emotional wounds don’t just fade with time—they require intentional care.
James’ Story: The Hidden Costs of Suppressed Pain
James’ loss was very different from Ruth’s. He lost his job after 15 years with the same company, and though it wasn’t a bereavement, it felt like the ground had been pulled from under his feet. James had always tied his identity to his work, and losing that job felt like losing a piece of himself. He was devastated, but he told himself, “Time will help me bounce back.” He said.
James didn’t talk about his feelings with anyone. He told himself that with time, he’d naturally start to feel better. For a while, it looked like he was doing okay. He found a new job, though it wasn’t what he wanted, and he continued to go through the motions of life. But deep down, he hadn’t processed the loss of his job or the identity crisis that came with it.
Over time, James started to experience anxiety and self-doubt. He felt out of place at his new job and often questioned his abilities. The suppressed pain of losing his old job and the identity tied to it began to affect his confidence. Worse, he found himself withdrawing emotionally from his family, unable to share what he was going through because he had never learned to process his pain. Instead, he had hoped time would simply heal it.
A year after the job loss, James hit a breaking point. He felt emotionally exhausted, disconnected, and overwhelmed with stress. It wasn’t until then that he sought help to confront the pain he had been carrying all along. His experience highlights how suppressing pain and relying on time alone can have hidden costs—eroding self-worth and straining relationships.
The Danger of Passive Healing
Both Ruth and James believed that by waiting and allowing time to pass, their wounds would eventually heal. But as we can see, time alone didn’t solve the problem—it allowed their pain to fester beneath the surface. In both cases, waiting resulted in a much longer, more difficult healing process down the road.
The danger of passive healing lies in its deceptive nature. At first, it seems easier to avoid confronting pain, hoping it will fade with time. But unprocessed emotions, grief, and loss don’t simply vanish. They often find ways to resurface—sometimes in unexpected ways—affecting our health, relationships, and sense of self.
Why Active Healing is Essential
Healing is not a passive process. It requires us to actively engage with our emotions, even when it’s difficult. Here’s why active healing is essential:
1. Grief Compounds Over Time: Just like Ruth, when we don’t properly process our grief, it can compound over time. The pain gets layered with other life challenges, and instead of fading, it grows heavier.
2. Suppressing Emotions Doesn’t Work: James’ story reminds us that suppressing emotions isn’t a long-term solution. Suppressed pain often shows up in unexpected ways, affecting our confidence, relationships, and mental well-being.
3. Healing Requires Intention: Waiting without action isn’t enough. Healing requires us to intentionally process our emotions, seek support, and allow ourselves to feel the pain rather than avoid it.
How to Actively Heal
If you find yourself waiting for time to heal your wounds, here are some steps to help you engage in active healing:
1. Acknowledge the Pain: The first step is admitting that you’re hurting. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a job, or something else, acknowledging the wound is key.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel: Don’t be afraid to feel your emotions. Whether it’s grief, anger, sadness, or frustration, those emotions need space to be expressed. Bottling them up only delays the healing process.
3. Seek Support: Healing often requires the support of others. Whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group, sharing your pain with others can provide much-needed relief and perspective.
4. Take Action: Active healing may involve therapy, journaling, prayer, or other practices that help you process your emotions and move forward. Take small, intentional steps toward healing, knowing that it’s a journey, not a destination.
Conclusion: Time is Not the Healer—You Are
The stories of Ruth and James show us that time alone isn’t the healer—it’s what we do with that time that matters. Healing is an active process that requires courage, vulnerability, and intentionality. If you’ve been waiting for time to heal your wounds, I encourage you to take a different approach. Don’t just wait—engage. Seek support, allow yourself to feel, and take the steps necessary to heal fully. Only then can you truly move forward, not just with the passage of time, but with real emotional and spiritual wholeness.
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