Recently, I went speaking at a youth’s conference and I had the opportunity to speak to different young men and ladies who needed counsel around their life and relationships. One of the reoccurring issues I noticed was how many of them complained about not experiencing emotional connection with their parents. They felt their parents did their best to provide their financial and household needs but were always busy and never willing to show understanding and friendship with them. Due to this, they have grown independently and struggle with intimacy. They really miss this bond and end up struggling with addictions and toxic lifestyles that they regret daily.
The kind of emotional connection that a parent and child should have during the upbringing years is so important that when missed, it can ruin the first touch of emotions for a young adult.
Bringing it into relationships, your relationship would be healthy based on the degree of emotional stability that you have experienced during your upbringing and the experiences you have had.
There are four kinds of attachment theory. According to Wikipedia, Attachment theory is a psychological and evolutionary theory concerning relationships between humans. The most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development. The theory was formulated by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby.
Did you experience emotional connection while growing up? If yes, how has it shaped your interactions with people? If no, how has it affected you as you meet new people daily.
For you to have a healthy relationship, your attachment style would need to be secure because it forms the proper foundation for giving and receiving love with vulnerability, honesty and empathy. If you do not have a secure attachment, this can be worked on.
Have you experienced these patterns with your partner?:
• Constantly feeling afraid of your partner’s actions.
• Desiring to be loved and validated more often.
• Consistently struggling with having some form of freedom from your partner and feeling unsafe with their desire to have a me time.
• Interpreting every disagreement as a pathway to separation.
• Dealing with assumptions and suspicions in the relationship.
• Unable to set boundaries without people pleasing.
• Do you always get jealous and obsessive about your partner?
• Do you find yourself sabotaging your relationships through your actions?
• Do you sometimes struggle to be connected when you are getting closer?
• Or do you keep repeating toxic patterns in your love life?
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If you have these experiences in your relationship, then you may be struggling with the other kinds of attachment style. It can also be your partner exhibiting these patterns.
As a secure attachment style, you would enjoy being in a relationship where there is no drama. A secure attachment is the goal but if you have had childhood trauma then you might find yourself in unhealthy patterns.
If you have noticed that you want a relationship that is free of drama and unrealistic standards and expectations, then build more self-awareness with yourself and begin to recognize the kind of bond you will love to share with your partner.
If your partner struggles with any of the above patterns, then you could both have a conversation on how improvement can occur. An insecure attachment style is worrisome and can frustrate a partner but every individual have the responsibility to work on themselves and truly desire the bliss that they want.
What are the signs that you have a secure attachment style?
• You are willing to be dependable in the relationship and you offer such support to your partner too.
• You are open, vulnerable and emotional.
• You find it easy to express your love to your partner without holding back or feeling awkward.
• You are able to navigate the relationship with a good self-esteem while allowing your partner to be themselves.
• You are not so clingy and you have healthy friendships and lifestyles outside the relationship.
So take your time to ask yourself, what kind of attachment style have I exhibited in all the relationships or the current relationship that I have? Secure or insecure?
It is possible that you also need to seek for therapy to address your upbringing and experiences so as to troubleshoot why you feel that way often, this can help you address the foundational reasons behind your behaviors. Send an email to [email protected] and we can talk about it.
