The evolving dynamics of discipline

As common as the statement, “Spare the rod and spoil the child” in Proverbs 13:24 is, it seems as though it is gradually losing its meaning through generations, both literally and figuratively.

The behaviour that people exhibit is somewhat a reflection of their upbringing. So when we take a careful look around us, we would notice that there are behavioural traits specific to certain generations. Observing individuals from each generation, you would get a good understanding of why these traits are distinct.

People in our society aged about 45 and above were brought up in very strict households. In fact, majority of their mothers were either teachers, other forms of educators or had day jobs with schedules, which allowed them to go back home at reasonable hours to face their children and households.  Mothers then were very strict; some would even call them wicked due to their approach, which sometimes involved physical disciplinary measures or other means which, today would be viewed as extreme, dramatic or even incriminating.  Notwithstanding this, the products of this generation turned out okay. Majority of them became self-made adults.

However, when this generation started to breed their own offspring, they reflected on their parents’ ways and decided that they didn’t want to be as “wicked” and actually desired closer relationships with their children, which they did not enjoy from their parents. So the shouting and dramatic acts of discipline reduced a little bit. But some of these parents had to be smart to tailor their techniques to their children, as all children are different and some require a little more discipline than others. However, others did not quite get it right, and this is demonstrated through certain behaviours their children (age group of early 20s to late 30s – millenials) exhibit, which include a sense of entitlement, impatience, lack of respect and lack of independence, amongst others.

With today’s generation, there seems to be a lack of clarity regarding this area of discipline. This matter is far more complex than it appears on the surface.

With global consumerism trends, wealth becoming more of a materialistic venture than a dignified status, continued leniency in the approach of disciplining children, limited amount of time parents get to spend with their children due to longer working hours and women spending more time at work, there seems to be a bit of an interesting shift in the approach to discipline both locally and globally.

One argument is that because parents do not spend as much time with their children as they used to in the past, some of them rely on materialistic gratification, for example by buying them sweets or toys if they miss out on a school play or certain activities that their children are involved in, or just not being in the picture at all. Furthermore, parents may even feel so guilty for not spending enough time with their children that when these children misbehave, they give them a pass. However, this is really not what children need because the truth is that these solutions are only temporary, and are in no way the means of teaching children the difference between right and wrong.

There is another argument, which stems from the materialistic movement in our society. Some of the things that are perceived as normal or “cool” in the current generation are actually not normal; some are very far from normal. It brings forward the question; why do parents now have a complex about what schools their children attend, whether their children speak with a foreign accent (whilst attending school in Nigeria with Nigerian teachers), how many times in a year they travel abroad, how many countries they have travelled to and even what they do for their birthday parties (the good old living room and garden parties of the 80s and 90s no longer suffice).

Parents need to realise that their moral values transcend directly to their children both consciously and subconsciously. There was a case in the United Kingdom that gave some insight into parents’ indiscipline in the school system. It spoke about a ruling by the Supreme Court to fine parents for taking their children out on holiday during term time. Since when did this even become an issue? The whole point of schools taking their time to prepare a calendar is so that parents can plan their schedules around it. Hence, there really is no excuse even for early vacation from or late resumption to schools, unless there are extenuating circumstances, which the parents ought to have discussed and arrived at an agreement with the school. This ruling came up as a result of a parent who took his daughter out of school for a 7-day trip to Disney World during term time.

He was fined £60 by the local council, but he challenged this, stating that his child had a good overall attendance record and parents should be given the freedom to choose when their children go on holidays. As outrageous as this may sound, it does happen in our environment as well. This parent missed the point. Missing out on school is disruptive for the teachers because they would have to do extra wok to pay additional attention to the children who miss out on school. It is even more disruptive for the children because they have to catch up with their peers.

Additionally, apart from it being a slap on the face on other parents who are disciplined enough to make sacrifices and obey the rules; this lack of discipline translates to our children. Children are far smarter than we give them credit for and they are fast learners. If, at an early stage, they are not taught what is right from wrong, then they grow up to become undisciplined adults who lack manners, are disrespectful or even entitled. This stems from the behaviours they watch their parents exhibit whilst growing up. If they watch their parents bend or break the rules to suit their personal agenda, then they are very likely to follow suit. After all, the apple does not fall far from the tree. Parents should be careful of what they teach their children, both consciously and subconsciously.

OYIN EGBEYEMI