How to discern if your leader is manipulative

In many workplaces, especially where pressures run high, leaders are expected to inspire, challenge, and support their teams. But not every leader operates with integrity; some employ subtle, complex manipulation tactics that can be hard to identify. These behaviours don’t always present as openly negative or domineering. Instead, they’re often nuanced, even disguised as supportive, which makes them particularly challenging to recognise. But recognising these tactics is essential to maintaining your professional autonomy and emotional well-being.

Let’s imagine you landed a promising job with a leader who seems exceptionally supportive. They frequently praise you as an “irreplaceable” team member and lavish you with compliments. They go out of their way to praise your work and even offer help you didn’t ask for. But as the weeks pass, subtle shifts begin to surface.

“This subtle form of manipulation is called “love bombing,” and it’s just one of several manipulation techniques that a leader might use to establish dominance and control.”

This “support” feels like a carefully woven net that slowly binds you to their expectations. Instead of feeling empowered, you start feeling pressured to overextend, skip personal time, and constantly seek approval. You find yourself second-guessing your every move, leaving you uncertain of how you arrived at this point. Could this be manipulation at play?

This subtle form of manipulation is called “love bombing,” and it’s just one of several manipulation techniques that a leader might use to establish dominance and control. Identifying these tactics can help you recognise manipulation early, so you can better navigate the complexities of workplace relationships.

How can you recognise subtle manipulation tactics?

For the first part of this article, here are some complex, subtle manipulation tactics that some leaders use to maintain an upper hand, often leaving employees unsure of their own standing or value. More of these tactics will be fully discussed in part two of this article. Recognising these can help you maintain a clear sense of self-worth and professional independence.

Read also: Tell-tale signs your leader is a control freak

1. Love bombing: At first, love bombing involves high praise, attention, and support, making you feel valued and indispensable. The leader’s approval feels like a reward, motivating you to work even harder. But over time, the praise becomes sporadic, leaving you constantly striving for approval. This tactic builds dependency, making you prioritise their validation over your boundaries, until burnout becomes inevitable.
2. Projection: In projection, the leader assigns their own negative traits or mistakes onto you, subtly shifting the focus away from their actions. For example, they may accuse you of being disorganised or unreliable when, in reality, their lack of clarity or poor planning is creating chaos. This tactic diverts attention from their shortcomings, leaving you to question your abilities while they maintain control over the narrative.
3. Reality distortion: Unlike overt gaslighting, subtle gaslighting involves small but consistent distortions of reality. For instance, a manager might downplay your contributions in meetings or subtly challenge your recollection of events. Over time, this erodes your confidence, making you question your perceptions and become more reliant on their narrative. This tactic creates an unhealthy dependency on their approval and perspective, which diminishes your autonomy.
4. Feigning vulnerability: Manipulative leaders might share their own vulnerabilities or personal struggles to create a sense of camaraderie. By presenting themselves as “I am just like you,” they lower your guard, encouraging you to reciprocate by revealing personal information. Later, they may use your disclosed insecurities or challenges to influence your decisions or manipulate your actions.
5. Triangulation: This involves the leader creating division among team members to control dynamics. They might discuss your actions or opinions with others in the team in a way that fosters discord, positioning themselves as the central figure who “manages” conflict. This tactic keeps the team off-balance and dependent on the leader, preventing unity and reinforcing their control.

How do you navigate these manipulative tactics?

Recognising these manipulation tactics is just the first step. Navigating them requires a proactive approach to maintain your emotional well-being and professional integrity. Here are strategies to help you handle subtle manipulation effectively:

1. Awareness of patterns: Manipulative leaders often use these tactics in repeated patterns. If certain behaviours leave you feeling anxious, uncertain, or overly dependent on their approval, take note. Identifying patterns in their actions can reveal underlying motives and help you differentiate between genuine support and calculated control.
2. Trust your instincts: Manipulation can create a lingering feeling of discomfort or unease, even when it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why. If you sense that something is “off” or too good to be true, listen to that feeling. Your instincts can often detect manipulation before you fully understand the tactics being used.
3. Limit personal disclosure: Avoid sharing personal frustrations, insecurities, or vulnerabilities with individuals who exhibit manipulative behaviours. Maintain a level of professionalism and emotional distance to prevent them from using your personal information as leverage.
4. Ask clarifying questions: Manipulative leaders often rely on vagueness to avoid accountability. If you sense that a request or comment is ambiguous, ask for specifics. Clear expectations make it harder for manipulators to maintain control and give you the clarity needed to make independent decisions.
5. Set clear boundaries: Reinforce your autonomy by establishing and politely enforcing boundaries. For instance, if you feel they are building an implicit “debt” through favour-building, acknowledge their support graciously but maintain a firm stance on your independence in decision-making.

Subtle manipulation tactics can create complex, unhealthy dynamics in the workplace that are often hard to identify. By learning to recognize these behaviours, you can better protect your emotional well-being and career autonomy. Recognising and responding to manipulation is not only a skill but also a pathway to fostering a healthy, productive work environment. In the end, discerning these tactics will help you build a fulfilling career without sacrificing personal integrity. Look for Part 2 in our next issue.

Dr Toye Sobande is a strategic leadership expert, lawyer, public speaker, and trainer. He is the CEO of Stephens Leadership Consultancy LLC, a strategy and management consulting firm offering creative insight and solutions to businesses and leaders. Email: [email protected]