Hi, my name is Ese and this is my love story.
Tega and I were good friends but I always had a huge crush on him, the kind that kept me up most nights and took a chunk of my waking moments.
Every love song on the radio reminded me of him. Every guy looked, walked or talked like him. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last thing on my mind before I slept at night. I was crazily, head over heels in love with him…so much that I could feel his body heat when he stood beside me. He was my first love. The one I had kept my “body and heart” for.
I even conceived in my mind what our future would look like… He’d be the king of my heart and I’ll be his queen. We’ll live in our beautiful home with our three lovely children and a dog named Bella…Well, maybe not exactly in that order but nothing would give me more pleasure than to spend forever with him.
I couldn’t tell him how I felt but fate was about to work things in my favour when Tega kissed me one day. It was sudden and unexpected but it was the best feeling ever. (It was my first kiss too). He never asked me to be his girlfriend but that kiss was a redefining moment for me. I could finally be with the love of my life. He was the Yin to my Yang or so I thought.
Read also: More than friends less than lovers
As a friend, Tega was an amazing person but as a lover, I realized that he was a typical Alpha male. We argued over the littlest things and they would escalate out of proportion. Tega would give me the cold treatment instead of talking things over. His nonchalant nature was breaking my heart. I loved him so much and didn’t understand why something that felt so good could hurt so bad. I was hurting but Tega never noticed.
Things went from bad to worse when I found out that he was cheating on me. It felt like he drove a knife into my heart and left it there. Oh! It hurt so bad.
I thought he loved me or at least felt something (or anything) for me cos if he did, he would never do anything to hurt me. I wasn’t even asking for too much, I just wanted to be loved in return.
Despite the fact that Tega cheated on me, I was willing to let things slide if he could put in a little effort into our relationship or whatever it was we had. I loved him too much to allow his cheating tear us apart.
I thought he would change his ways but no! Tega continued to sow his wild oats. When I couldn’t take it any more, I thought it would be cool to pay him back in his own coin. After all, revenge is best when served cold so I decided to cheat on him too. I did this to get his attention but it backfired because he never forgave me for it. Things spiralled out of control from then on. He stopped talking to me and literally treated me like I did not exist. I wanted to talk to him but he would not give me the chance to do so. He obviously loathed me and the knife in my heart kept cutting deeper. Our relationship wasn’t defined anyway so maybe that gave him the liberty to treat me as he pleased. That really hurt.
Tega and I drifted apart. Whatever we had between us ended so abruptly and then he was gone. Not just out of my life but out of the country. I was devastated. He left a piece of himself in my heart but took nothing of mine with him..
Somewhere in my heart, I prayed for him to come back one day. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for “whatever”…I wanted to let him know how much I had missed him and that I wanted him back. I waited for years for him, hoping for a miracle to happen but it was a cul de sac. I starting looking for him in every guy I dated and in my bid to find my prince, I kissed a few frogs.
Those were not the days of social media or the internet so I didn’t know where to look for him. I waited a few more years with my fingers crossed and my faith like a mustard seed yet nothing happened then I knew it was time to move on. Tega probably never spared me as much as a tiny thought and here I was thinking about him. It made no sense at all.
Fast forward to a few years later with the advent of social media and the likes, Tega and I reconnected (details a bit vague now), but we still didn’t get along so well. We had unresolved issues that stood between us like a wall. He was carrying a grudge against me while on the other hand, I felt like I couldn’t be cowed by him any longer. There was always tension between us and we still fought over the smallest things. This totally wore me out all the time. Whew! I was tired. I was tired of fighting. It was time to sheath our swords and have a civil conversation. It was time to bury the hatchet and move on. So I extended an olive branch which he accepted and for the first time in over 20years, Tega and I were able to have a meaningful conversation without killing each other. We both agreed that whatever happened in the past, stays in the past. All water under the bridge. No more bad blood. I had my friend back. Yippee!!
So a few months ago, Tega came visiting and it was such a delight. Seeing him again brought back memories and feelings that I thought were long gone. It’s crazy though, that after all these years, I still carry a piece of Tega in my heart. I’ve asked myself what makes him so special but I can’t seem to figure it out.
I may never know why Tega kissed me that day. I may never know why he led me on. I may never know if he wanted anything serious with me. I may never know if he ever felt anything for me. I may never know if I meant anything to him. Should I ask him?
Well, there’s one thing I know and this much is certain… I loved Tega for a very long time and I never stopped loving him. It’s still beats me that I never got over him. Never did… probably never will.
Tega is not my Ex…he is my Why?. Like, why did I ever let you go?.
My heart beats for Tega but he loves another.
It’s true what they say, “Life No Balance”.