The leadership question: How can I connect with difficult team members?

Hello Dr Toye Sobande,

Thank you for providing answers to the questions on my mind. The responses have been very insightful, and my colleagues and I have been discussing how relevant and applicable the subject of discussion has been.

So, I decided to write to you with my own question or, preferably, let me call it a leadership question because I need answers too.

I work with an International Donor Agency in Abuja. I was recently promoted to a managerial role and tasked with supervising a team of six people in addition to the one I had before my new designation. The new team is composed of brilliant minds, and I feel so blessed because they were managed by a very effective leader who recently relocated to Australia for another opportunity.

Gratefully, I connect and relate very well with everyone on the team except for a particular lady who never smiles and is always reluctant to exchange pleasantries. However, I have consistently tried to get to know her better; she only offers monosyllabic answers to my questions. For example, there was a time I asked her what she does for fun or to relax, and she said, “nothing.” She rarely contributes or offers opinions during our social gatherings or staff connection forums.

You don’t need your team members to like you; that is unimportant. What is important is that they must trust and respect you as their leader, and that should be your focus

This is new to me, as I have never experienced something like this. I keep wondering, and I can’t help but think she doesn’t like me or she doesn’t like men. The situation is so bad that I avoid discussing her appraisal, let alone holding career development conversations with her. I do not assign or think of delegating any tasks or assignments to her. You may say it is not fair, but I am dreading trying to do that with her.

Kindly advise what I can do to connect with this team member. Any thoughts on this?

Christian

To appropriately connect the dots for the readers of this column, I have provided my response and explanation below.

Dear Christian,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I sincerely appreciate your giving the questions and answer a name. Indeed, it is a leadership question.

In the past few weeks, I have constantly stated that the leadership process is an art and a skill. However, you must be mindful that some things are potentially going on with you and your new role. But no matter what, it is pertinent to note one rule of thumb that will help you as you go through this phase. As a leader in a professional environment, don’t ever take anything personally, especially when it comes to your team member’s personality or behaviour. The way people behave is not about you; it is about them.

Further, there are a couple of ideas you may want to consider. I suggest you contact her former Manager and ask if there is anything you should know about this lady. However, suppose you cannot reach the former leader or think that is not an option, you may ask the Human Resources Manager if there is anything you need to know and understand about the people in the new team you inherited. The HR team may have forgotten to give you some insights into the personality of this team member that is making you uncomfortable. Also, how does she relate with other members of the team?

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I presume you may be dealing with someone who behaves differently from what is considered “typical” because there are two categories of people: those who are neurotypical and those who are neurodivergent. I recommend you learn more about this category of people to understand better whom you are dealing with. On the other hand, you may be dealing with someone who is extraordinarily introverted and shy. For such people, meeting new people or being in a social gathering is quite apprehensive for them, and they consider it dreadful.

I grew up with introverts who don’t warm up to other people quickly and take a very long time to trust new people, especially when they are in a new environment. So, I am used to such people, and I have come to understand their personality traits; they have helped me to grow the virtue of patience, knowing it is not about me. I recommend that you sign up and take a personality test to understand yourself and others better.

There are gaps, and I don’t have enough information from you about her interactions with others. You didn’t mention if other team members have complained about her too. The question is: how is her work ethic? Is she diligent on the job? Does she meet up with the timelines for her work? Is she working cooperatively with other team members? If the answers to these questions are positive, then you shouldn’t avoid doing her appraisal or having a career conversation with her.

I recommend you send her an email asking her some questions before you engage her in person. She will not feel you are putting her on the spot. Alternatively, you may want to give her the option of providing her answers in an email, so she doesn’t have to deal with the discomfort of being with you in person. If you keep trying to get her to conform to the kind of behaviour that makes you feel comfortable, you will scare her off. Below are recommended questions that you may ask her in your email:

I. Are you happy with your job in the organisation?

II. Are you engaging your skills in your current role?

III. Are you comfortable working in this environment?

IV. What are your career aspirations?

V. What can I, as your manager, do to help you facilitate the fulfilment of your career goals?

VI. Is there anything you would like to tell me?

VII. What would you like me to know about you?

What is important for you is to build trust with your team members, especially with this lady. Getting her to trust you may be the icebreaker you need; that way, she can respect you. You don’t need your team members to like you; that is unimportant. What is important is that they must trust and respect you as their leader, and that should be your focus.

Cheering you on,

Dr Sobande.