This is what it had come to and I was going to end it.
I had thought of many options, pills, jumping off a cliff, jumping off a skyscraper and even slicing my wrist.
I was filled with so much anger and hatred for myself that I wanted to carry out all these deadly acts more simultaneously. I hated myself. I hated what I had become.
My mind, those voices, they had to stop. THEY HAD TO STOP.
It all started right after my parents’ fatal crash. Before then, I had dreams that were valid and they believed in me. They supported me and were very proud of me, but life decided to play on me a very cruel trick by snatching them from their only little girl.
We had been living in a foreign country and I got to hear the sickening news from my class teacher. I did not believe her. I didn’t want to, but sadly she was right. I was moved into the foster care at first, impatiently waiting for my aunts and uncles from Nigeria to come and get me.
When they didn’t show, the kind mistress of the home who we called Mummy Kath saw how nervous and fidgety I was getting daily and then she told me that this was the case most times and that I have to exercise patience. I listened to her and they eventually came.
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Not my aunts or my uncles but strangers. We were lined up once every week for visitors who wanted children of their own but didn’t have. They came and scanned through us kids and I never paid particular interest because Mummy Kath always made sure to leave me out of the line up, believing that my real family was coming to get me.
On this particular day, it was a different experience. As I settled myself at the sidelines to watch the weekly show of which I had titled ‘And Another Goes Away’, the couple pointed at me and asked why I wasn’t on the straight file. I waited to hear Mummy Kath explain to them that I was not up for adoption. But to my horrific surprise, she calmly said, ‘Tolu, please join the others.’
I was in shock. ‘What exactly does this mean? Does it mean that my aunts and uncles are no longer coming to get me?’ I pondered and wondered. Then I heard her like never before. ‘Tolu! I said join the line…please.’
I calmly walked and stood in line. Questions swirled through my mind, but I remained as calm as my little body allowed. At that moment, I saw that the couple who had been walking up and down the line had halted before me, whispering to each other and then walked up to Mummy Kath. From where I stood, I saw the dismayed look on her face and that is all I remember.
The next thing I know is that my scanty clothing was packed up in my father’s portmanteau and I was driven out of sight of the foster home. This is where it all began…
To be continued…
Oluwaseyi Lawal
