The Nigerian Twitter is a dangerous place

Against the backdrop of the hate speech bill, ISAAC ANYAOGU examines the complexion of social discourse on popular microblogging platform Twitter highlighting why many think of it as the sewer of the internet

So, a fire started at Balogun market. While waiting for our fire fighters to arrive, a security guard braved the fires, climbed a rooftop and decided to quench it with buckets of water.

Now there’s bravery and there is, well, trying to stop a tanker whose driver can’t communicate with the brakes by shouting at it.

Then Katie Hopkins, a British women media personality, columnist and former businesswoman went on Twitter, and dissed Nigerians over it.

Then the Nigerian Twitter came for her. Three days after her tweet, they were sending tirade her way. By the time they are done, Hopkins will review her use of Twitter.

You see, some Nigerians spend half their day on Twitter abusing Buhari, or abusing those who abuse Buhari. It’s all fun and games until you – who is not a Nigerian, who don’t live where the full moon is more constant than electricity, where politicians park bullion vans in their driveway and where rice is contraband – decides to get involved.

There’s a saying that until the crab enters hot water, it won’t realise there are two kinds of water. Both those abusing Buhari and the people abusing those abusing him will descend on you with the fury of Californian fires. The Nigerian solidarity online should be a social science course.

Like battle-tested veterans, Nigerians will come at you from all angles.

They will speculate about the state of your mental health, take a swipe at your spelling ability, investigate your origins, question your sexual preferences and even call out your dog over one careless tweet from you.

Some take this thing very personal. It isn’t because they love the country too much though, because if you land a plane at Ojuelegba and announce that anyone ready to flee Nigeria should come on board, even the pilots won’t get seats – that’s after the main cabin, baggage compartments and even the toilets have been spoken for. Nigerians on Twitter are the twins whom you don’t intervene in their fight, because they will join hands and beat you up.

Months ago, an argument online snowballed into a continent-wide tweet-war. Nigerians were squared against, the Kenyan, Ghanaian and South African Twitter, predictably, the Nigerians put them to shame. You see all the things that were wrong with Nigeria were weaponised to attack the enemy. I read a tweet where someone said that Kenya’s potholes are still learning, ‘ours can swallow a golf car,’ and this is supposed to be a jab at Kenya!

So when a Jamaican started to diss a tweet from Nigeria, his compatriots warned him to cease and desist fearing wrath of the Nigerian Twitter.

You may think that it is because this is a country where 23million people have no jobs until you see that bankers, doctors even Roadside Economists are leading the Twitter battle.

I have spent inordinate amounts of time analysing Nigeria’s battle formation on Twitter and a pattern has since emerged. I’m not sure my employers will consider this a valuable use of my time, but they said we are all going digital, so this is digital. Argue with your mirror!

When Nigerians attack, the chosen battle formation is known in military circle as the Herringbone formation. According to Wikipedia, in this formation the person at the front of the squad faces forward, while the rest of the squad lines up behind them, facing left and right, alternating as such.

The final member of the squad in the herringbone formation faces backwards. When the squad decides to relocate, the person next to the member facing backwards will tap him on the shoulder to make sure he is not left behind. This formation is performed commonly after crossing obstacles.

Maybe it’s not clear to you yet – you- the unfortunate person who tweeted as if your brain was powered by phlegm, is the target of every armoured car. It’s literally what you feel when the Nigerian Twitter comes for you.

The attack is vicious, precise and targeted to do the greatest harm. There are no holds barred, your past accomplishments, the fact that you graduated summa cum laude, or that you’re a pastor or that even your father is the president will not affect how the Nigerian Twitter will treat your matter.

Fisayo Soyombo, an investigative journalist, did a James Bond-esque investigation into the Nigerian prisons. Got himself arrested and took a camera into the prisons to provide evidence of corruption till he was caught and the prisons guys used his body to test the efficacy of their latest torture hardware.

His story went viral and the Nigerian Twitter gushed. When it seemed like the authorities were after him, they took up the matter and sent a ‘shitstorm’ so heavy in the way of the Nigerian prisons, they dropped the matter. A charging herd of wild goats is a child’s play when the Nigerian Twitter comes for you.

Few weeks later, Fisayo went to buy local rice and decided to tweet about the matter because the water from washing the rice looked like the one from a washing machine that just finished with a dozen mechanic overalls.

Someone had the idea to do a VAR (that thing they do to prove a Ronaldo’s goal should have been cancelled in Football) on Fisayo’s pictures and saw what looked like a seed of beans. Then they came for him, unleashing a fury of virulent tweets that questioned everything from his motives to his dietary choices.

People who think the Nigerian Twitter is a mad place have never been to Aro. Because in a lunatic asylum, at least those who are sane set the rules. On Nigerian Twitter, the inmates run the asylum. (Pretty sure, they’ll come for me too after this).

Have you taken time out to study the things that trend on Nigerian Twitter? Well, I have. Favourite themes are football, then football and then Tacha. Tacha, is shortened form of Natasha Ikide, the Big Brother Nigeria 4 contestant who got herself disqualified.

The people that tweet about Tacha call themselves ‘Titans’. You may not believe it; but they are a movement. They hold WhatsApp meetings daily discussing how to make her trend. It’s amazing the kind of energy required to major in minor things.

Trending topics on Twitter often last around 10 minutes and you need at least 2,000 tweets within the period to make a topic trend. Imagine the kind of effort required to make Tacha trend all day and worldwide!

The Nigerian Twitter popularised the concept of ‘dragging’. For the uninitiated, it is the term used to describe communal harassment, much like when a whole village collectively decides to tell you what they really think of you.

But this is not all there is to the Nigerian Twitter, sometimes it is a place to show love – and tell everyone about it. On Nigerian Twitter, celebrities give away their money to random strangers. Internet fraudsters, popular personalities even those who are famous for being famous display the sort of generosity that defies explanation. People give away phones, shoes, bags. On a random Tuesday, popular musician Don Jazzy can randomly give you a laptop and Bob risky can bless you an Ipad!

This has given birth to a band of professional Twitter beggars who randomly direct message requests for money. This a real ‘hustle’ for some, believe me. They are prepared to share screengrabs of their empty bank accounts, others share pictures of those with diseased body parts asking for money – some are real, others are contrived.