Je suis KPMG

The Senior Elder Citizens (ex-KPMG partners who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension) literally took Davos-Klosters, Switzerland by storm. Their chartered private jet, a state-of-the-art Gulfstream 650 ER, was able to land almost with impunity regardless of the snow/blizzard. Awaiting them were a formidable pose of paparazzi carrying placards: “Je Suis KPMG!”

As for the ex-KPMG partners, their response to the avalanche of questions from eager pressmen and television cameras was a stoic “No comments”. They went off to the Steinberger Grandhotel Belvedere at Promenade 89, 7270 Davos Platz (It was built in1875) where the general manager welcomed them with uncommon warmth and respect. Swiss hospitality is awesome.

The minor problem regarding the disposition of KPMG to pay the bill had solved itself. The king of Saudi Arabia and custodian of the two mosques in Mecca and Medina, Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Said, died suddenly on Thursday, January 22, 2015 and the Saudi delegation who had paid for the entire hotel had departed suddenly in the middle of the night to attend the funeral of the 90-year-old king. While they were still airborne, King Fahd Salman, the half-brother of the deceased, was announced as the successor. No election or referendum! Dissent carries with it the threat of death penalty or 1,000 lashes by flogging in public.

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Anyway, the general manager of the hotel announced with a beaming smile that under Swiss law it is a capital offence for any hotel to accept double payment. Hence, since the Saudis had paid (and even overpaid), the Senior Elder Citizens were welcome to stay in the sumptuous luxury of the hotel free of charge. No need to bother KPMG after all.

In any case, the theme of the World Economic Forum, “The New Global Context”, was most riveting and topical. Assembled at the conference were 2,500 delegates from 100 countries including Zimboda. Several Swiss newspapers splashed on their front page the story that the largest numbers of private jets were owned by Nigerian tycoons!

All over the vast expanse of the hotel lobby, television screens carried streaming news from different parts of the world much to the delight of the guests. The “Breaking News” that caught the attention of the Senior Elder Citizens was from Al Jazeera. Headline:       “WHAT IBB [General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida] TOLD GEJ [President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan] WHEN THE LATTER VISITED THE FORMER”.

There was a great deal of buzz around the hotel and it turned out that both Pope Francis I and President Barack Obama have flown in under cover of darkness to avoid the press. Their mission is profound – to deliver a joint address to the delegates on the subject of POVERTY, FEAR AND TERROR.

The Holy Father made a detour from his triumphant state visit to the Philippines where he addressed a record-breaking crowd of over six million ardent Catholics in Manilla.

As for Barack Obama, he was still basking in the glow of his seminal State of the Union Address which he delivered to his largely fickle supporters and unrepentant adversaries with considerable aplomb and engaging panache. The climax was undoubtedly when he delivered what was a conspiratorial confession in the face of his Republican opponents: “I have no more campaign (election) to run.” Much to the discomfiture of the bragging Tea Party and ultra-right wing Republicans, he went for the sword and plunged it in: “I won my two campaigns!”

The Republican guards were caught off guard. Anyway, there was not a single spare seat in the vast auditorium when the Holy Father and the President of the most powerful nation in the world reached the podium. Right behind them on a huge screen in bold letters was the latest message from Oxfam: “RICHEST 1 PER CENT TO OWN HALF OF WORLD’S WEALTH BY 2016”.

Due to equipment malfunction, proceedings were interrupted by a rogue report. Headline:     “BILLIONAIRE’ DIED PENNILESS”.

The report said that Russian oligarch Boris Berezovsky left an estate worth nothing in the UK after he was found hanged in mysterious circumstances. The former tycoon, and outspoken critic of President Vladimir Putin, was once known as Russia’s second-richest man, worth £1.9 billion.

He was found dead in March last year in a bathroom at his ex-wife’s £20 million home in Ascot, Berkshire, after a series of financial setbacks. His family does not believe he killed himself and a coroner recorded an open verdict. Probate records reveal that Berezovsky died without a will and left an estate valued at ‘nil’. It is not known if he had assets held overseas or in trust. These are indeed strange times.

Perhaps it was pure coincidence that the film showing on the television in our rooms was a gangster movie: “Dumb Fella”, with a write up by Iain Day:

“John Gotti Jr has been working on a film about his life story for four years, with John Travolta lined up to play his father. Anthony Hopkins, Al Pacino and Chazz Palminteri have all been linked to the project, which has been dogged by problems. These have included legal action by Joe Pesci, who sued after claiming he had been offered a $3m role as Gotti’s ‘enforcer’, for which he put on 30lb, only to be offered a lesser part. He later settled.

“The elder Gotti rose to head the Gambino family after ordering the murder of his predecessor outside a Manhattan steakhouse in 1985. At the time, the Gambino family was reportedly generating income of $500m (£320m) a year through protection rackets, loan sharking, cargo hijacks, gambling and several legitimate businesses.

“Gotti Snr died in jail in 2002. His son attended the New York Military Academy but drifted into the family business after listening to the stories told by his father and fellow mobsters at the Bergin Hunt & Fish Club in Queens, the Gambino headquarters.

“‘When people think of my father, they remember this bigger-than-life godfather in the Brioni suits and the razor-cut hair; the boss who carried himself like a movie star,’ Gotti Jr says in the book’s foreword.

“He claims that in the mid-1970s, when his father was serving four years in prison for his part in a hit, guards let him out on unofficial day release so he could kill the last remaining informant who had acted against him. After Gotti ‘put two in his hat’ (shot him dead) he went back to the family home in Queens, where he had a home-cooked meal and made love to his wife – and then returned to his cell.”

Gotti was never KPMG!

J.K Randle