These days, there’s lots of discussion about the importance of leaders creating psychologically safe work environments in which people can share their feelings. But what happens when someone takes that too far?
A client of mine recently struggled with this. One of her most talented designers was comfortable admitting his insecurities to his team. But what began as a need for reassurance became an avalanche; the designer sought affirmation by talking about his work anxieties to such a degree that it alienated him from his peers.
Behavioral science shows that the most talented people are often the most insecure. But you are not responsible for providing someone with bottomless support, especially when it lowers team morale.
Resolve the issue by addressing it head on. Here are four steps you can take:
— TEST THE PERSON’S AWARENESS: Emotionally needy people often don’t realize the degree to which they drain others. Their emotionality is the norm to them, so they may not observe that other people have different boundaries. To approach the issue, start by scheduling a one-onone meeting. Use this time to ask the employee questions and gauge if he is aware of his behavior’s impact. Draw clear distinctions between which emotional expressions and needs are appropriate, which are problematic, and why.
— BE DIRECT ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: If your first conversation doesn’t go as planned, don’t abandon the issue. Set clear emotional boundaries during a private conversation. Without being harsh, judgmental or dismissive, follow up by saying, “I’m not sure how else I can reassure you about the quality of your work. What I need you to do is reflect on why the reassurance I’ve offered hasn’t worked. I’d like you to be especially curious about where your need for extra reassurance is coming from so you can be more self-sufficient when you’re feeling insecure.”
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— TREAT NEEDY PEOPLE AS IF THEY ARE STRONG, NOT FRAGILE: Privately, tell the struggling employee that you want to build a team environment in which people can ask for what they need. Explain that needing occasional emotional reinforcement is perfectly normal, but that everyone is different, and there is a limit to what each person can bear. Use examples to demonstrate when you have experienced his behavior as burdensome, and encourage him to find healthier ways to get his needs met. This might mean turning to friends outside the workplace, or even a mental health professional.
— DON’T ALLOW GOSSIP: The moment one team member’s imperfections become fair game for others to mock or gossip about, everyone’s are. This erodes trust and psychological safety faster than anything. If you encounter gossip, or if others approach you with genuine concerns, send them back to their needy colleague to address it directly. Offer them coaching on how to deliver feedback, and even rehearse the conversation with them.
The best approach is to help an emotionally dependent team member discover how to identify and meet his own needs. If you can do this gracefully, you will help this person — and everyone around him.
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