Going through grief, as so many people are these days, can leave a lasting imprint on the brain and cause a variety of symptoms. It can make people feel sad, depressed, unable to concentrate, tense, anxious, or irritable, and it can make them sleep poorly.
If you know someone who has lost a loved one, you may be wondering what you should or should not say.
THE DO’S AND DON’TS
The Do’s
It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who is in grief. The fear of saying the wrong thing may cause you to avoid attempting to assist, but there is no one way to assist someone going through grief. Your presence will provide support if you are open, compassionate, and willing to help.
1. Asking the right questions
Often people are hesitant about asking questions of a friend who is grieving, for fear of upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. Don’t be afraid to ask questions as it allows your friend to talk about their loved one openly. If you’re not sure what to ask or how, some grief discussion questions can help guide the way.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I’m here for you.”
“You and your loved ones are in my prayers.”
“I can’t imagine how you feel.” Then be quiet and let them tell you about their feelings.
“I’m here for you.” Better yet, if there is something specific they need, ask if you can do it for them. Ask if you can make phone calls or send emails on their behalf.
“Can I go to the funeral?” This is often an important sign of support.
“Want to talk about what happened?” Many people avoid this question, but it helps the griever to explain it, if they desire, and having a compassionate ear can help them process it more accurately.
Just be present. You don’t have to say anything.
Be empathetic. It’s okay for you to show your feelings.
Continue connecting, even after a few months. Many people are inundated in the first few weeks, but they need support long after the funeral is over.
Read also: How to let go of what no longer serves you!
2. Check in on them
Make an effort to check in with your friend, even if it is a quick phone call, a card or an invitation to grab a coffee together. You might be surprised how much your check-ins mean to a friend who is grieving.
3. Understand the grieving process
As your friend navigates the many difficult emotions that grief can bring, it is important to have a general understanding of grief. People who are grieving experience sadness, depression, anger and anxiety commonly. Additional symptoms can include physical challenges such as digestive issues, sleep disturbance and fatigue, among others. As you take time to learn about the grief process, how you can support your friend in meaningful ways will become more apparent.
4. Listen more, talk less
When you are in the presence of someone who is grieving, it is often difficult to know what to say. Your natural tendency may be to try to make your friend feel better, but in a situation such as grief, no amount of talking will help. Be sure to pay attention to the amount of talking you are doing compared to the amount of listening. Your friend will benefit more from talking about their feelings than anything else. Listen to their thoughts and feelings and express compassion for what they are experiencing in their grief process.
5. Let them cry
One of the most important aspects of the grieving process is the ability to express deep sadness and allow oneself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them that you understand that crying is an important part of the grief process.
It may be tempting to try to cheer your friend up or tell them not to cry, but remember, it is an important part of grief and healing. Often when people are discouraged from crying it is a reflection of the discomfort others have about witnessing that amount of pain. Think about the tears as a necessary part of the healing journey.
6. Check in on your friend’s self-care, such as how they are sleeping and if they are getting enough to eat. Venture into how they are feeling emotionally and listen with compassion and care. Remember, you don’t have to fix anything, there is nothing you can do to make your friend’s pain go away, but your presence and compassion can make a world of difference.
7. Offer practical help
Grief can cause you to neglect your own basic needs at times. Offering practical help can be a lifesaver when your friend is struggling to navigate the tasks of life while grieving. It may surprise you just how beneficial these practical tasks can be:
Running errands
Cleaning their house
Cooking for them
Offering to help with childcare
Offering to help manage or coordinate bills
Helping with laundry
8. Be willing to sit in silence
Grief ushers in a variety of strong emotions, and sometimes a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. It can be difficult to sit in silence, particularly when you know your friend is struggling with emotional pain. Resist the urge to fill the silence and make an effort to allow it space. Your presence is enough. By being there for your friend, you are showing your love and support, even if you sit quietly together and don’t say a word. Your silent presence may be more therapeutic than you realize.
9. Remember important dates
Anniversaries of grief experiences can be painful reminders of your friend’s loss each year. Try to keep in mind that the date of your friend’s loss, as well as holidays and birthdays, can be triggers for grief symptoms. Reach out to let your friend know that you are thinking of them. After a loss, people often have good intentions about staying in touch but become busy with life and don’t follow through. Contacting your grieving friend on anniversaries and holidays can help reduce that feeling of loneliness and lets them know that their well-being matters to you.
