Relationships are beautiful, tricky things that affect our well-being every bit as much as what we eat and whether we get enough sleep.
That’s why The New York Times’s Well section takes relationships seriously, tapping some of the world’s leading researchers and therapists for guidance about what strengthens our friendships, marriages and family relationships — and what threatens those bonds.
Sometimes, they give sweeping advice that seems as if it would take a lifetime to accomplish. Other times, they offer a simple but effective nugget. With that in mind, here are seven of our favorite pieces of relationship advice from experts over the past year.
1. ‘Repot’ your friendships.
If you are looking to strengthen your platonic bonds, consider “repotting,” a strategy that fosters closeness by refreshing how you connect with a friend, said Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the author of “Platonic.” Perhaps you ask a co-worker to come to your next book club meeting. Or ask the friend you typically meet for happy hour to go for an “awe walk.” Novelty can enliven your connection, and spending time in different contexts lets you experience different sides of a friend’s personality.
2. Dating? Mind the ‘yellow flags.’
If you are on the dating scene, you may have become pretty darn adept at spotting “red flags,” but “yellow flags” — behaviors or attitudes that signal you should proceed with caution — can be trickier for even the savviest dater to identify. Jancee Dunn, Well’s newsletter columnist, looked at the subtler signals to watch out for in a potential romantic partner: Does your date think all of his or her old partners are crazy? Does your inner circle have reservations about your new relationship? Those aren’t necessarily deal breakers, Jancee found, but they are warning signs that are worth your attention.
3. Learn to love ‘I statements.’
The “I statement” is a staple of therapy-speak that couples counselors turn to again and again as a tool to help reduce finger-pointing between partners and encourage productive communication. The basic formula: “I feel X when Y happens,” usually followed by the expression of a need. So, instead of saying something like, “You always look at your phone during dinner!” you might say: “I feel lonely when you look at your phone during meals, and I need your undivided attention at the table.”
4. Strike this phrase from your vocabulary.
We live in a grief-phobic society, and fumbling to find the “right words” to help someone in pain is never easy. But certain sayings — particularly “everything happens for a reason” — can come off as dismissive, Jancee reported. Grief needs to be witnessed, not deflected, said David Kessler, an author of several books on the topic who lost his son years ago. Instead, tell the person you are sorry, or perhaps share a favorite memory or two. Experts say your presence is more powerful than platitudes.
5. Embrace the power of the ‘relational reckoning.’
As we get older, most of us come to understand that no romantic relationship can offer us everything we want or need, said Terrence Real, a family therapist and author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.” Which is why he recommends an occasional gut check that he calls a “relational reckoning.” Ask yourself: “Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I don’t get OK with me?” Mr. Real suggested. After all, “grieving and digesting the limits of one another’s human imperfections is a central part of long-term intimacy,” he said.
6. Don’t let comparison steal your sexual joy.
Sex therapists and educators spend a lot of time reassuring people that there is no “normal” when it comes to intimacy. People get especially hung up on frequency and whether they are having a “typical” amount of sex, said Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia who is the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness.” But comparison will not improve your sex life. A more salient question: How much do you enjoy the sex you are having?
7. Host gatherings for the joy of it.
Toward the end of her life, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, America’s best-known sex therapist, turned her focus from intimacy to the loneliness crisis. In her final book, published months after her death at age 96, Dr. Ruth offered 100 lessons for human connection. Among them? Stop keeping track of how often you host or initiate plans. Take the first step and gather loved ones around you because it brings you contentment, Dr. Ruth advised, not because you expect an invitation in return.
– New York Times
Join BusinessDay whatsapp Channel, to stay up to date
Open In Whatsapp
