5 steps to take if you are experiencing abuse in your marriage

It is always sad when women wake up to the news of another woman dying from domestic violence in their marriage. Nobody prays for a bad marriage but sometimes, you may be married to a toxic spouse who needs to heal from past trauma as a result of a father’s absence, overbearing parents, loss, painful experiences, betrayals, rejection, loss of job, comparison, and childhood trauma.

These experiences can affect anyone and while we try to cover these experiences in Africa with religion and myth, it is important to understand that marriage thrives on wholeness. Two broken individuals will continue a cycle of generational trauma and patterns modelled by their parents.

It is not the duty of one partner to heal both partners, but you can partner with God to bring healing and deliverance to your home.

It is important to invest in knowledge, therapy, and spiritual illumination before and after getting married. This will empower you to deal with most challenges that will come into your marriage. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual, or physical. I understand that the first thing to do is to leave but you know people take some time to take this decision and find the support they need. If you are currently in a marriage where you are being abused emotionally and physically, here are 5 steps you can take now:

EVALUATE THE EFFECT OF YOUR MARRIAGE: Most times, women say that they want to remain in an abusive marriage because of their children, while this may sound good, allowing your children to witness abuse permits them to see what abuse looks like and it can get into their subconscious mind ahead of their future marriage waiting for them to explode or act the same way if they don’t work on it. Sit down and understand the effect of your marital situation. How is it affecting you? How is it affecting your children? What is the state of your emotions and mental health? How can you find help now? Who can you talk to? Is this how you would love to survive? What are your fears and concerns? Understanding this will help you set appropriate boundaries and withdraw certain privileges that you need to.

ELEVATE YOUR IDENTITY: When you have discovered the challenges in your marriage, it is important for you to work on your mental health and emotional stability. You would truly suffer if you continue to soak in the abuse, you need to rise above it. It is important to become stable as you make plans to separate so that you will have the strength for the journey ahead. To elevate your identity, you should establish your relationship with God, and read books on motivation, emotional intelligence, confidence, and overcoming codependency. Watch inspirational videos on YouTube, listen to sermons if you are a Christian, and pray for the grace to make the right decisions. It is important to rise above what society will say and focus on your stability, it is these resources that will give you the courage to see beyond your NOW and take the right actions regardless of the fear of the unknown and failure.

Read also: A happy home is realistic

RESEARCH AND ASK FOR HELP: There are different governmental bodies and NGOs that are in charge of helping women who are in an abusive marriage, ask and research online for these agencies and reach out. If you have an understanding parent, friends, and spiritual authorities, you should reach out immediately and insist on your safety. You can also reach out to a Divorce lawyer online, I have seen some on Instagram and Google. Reach out in every capacity and save your life. Their advice can help you to prepare well. You would also need to speak to a counsellor who can help you navigate the journey, all of these can be found as you research everyone you will need in your journey.

GATHER ENOUGH PROOF TO FIGHT BACK: Sometimes, people may judge you for your actions and the court may ask for evidence of abuse whether emotional, sexual, or physical. Record if you need to, keep screenshots in cases of adultery, and keep every piece of evidence that you can keep. If you do not have the time to do this due to the degree of abuse in your home, please leave immediately.

SAVE AHEAD OR FIND SUPPORT: If this has been happening for a while and you do not have anybody to help you after speaking up, find ways to get financial help or save from your income if you are earning. Do this for the sake of your future. If you are surrounded by family members and friends who are willing to help you, do not be ashamed of asking for their intervention financially.

You can work on the marriage from a distance if a step in this direction is needed but start by protecting yourself by taking the baby steps you need to take. You will find peace, joy, and clarity when you leave an abusive home because you deserve the best and there is more for you ahead. You should never return back to an abusive person except if they have gone through necessary measures like counselling, therapy, spiritual support, and important law undertaking.

If you feel the need to talk to a counsellor to guide you in your journey, kindly send an email to [email protected]