When a woman is over age 30, single and childless, people want to know why. Not just her doting parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Not just the university roommate whose bridal and baby showers she helped organise years earlier. Her married mummy friends keep chiding her to get on the bandwagon. Her co-workers give her no break either. Not forgetting the nosy neighbour down the street who’s ‘how far’ greeting is laden with when will you marry undertone. Just about everyone is dying to know. They will be saying: “What is she waiting for?” Or “Why is she being so picky?” It doesn’t seem to matter what her response is, before they’ve finished asking these questions, the same inquisitors have already added their own reasoning: “or are you too focused on your career? It gets better, “oh, I see, you are a career woman.”
The term ‘career woman,’ for which there is no male equivalent (ever heard of a ‘career man?’), has taken on a pejorative meaning, now specifically meaning – women who have chosen a career over having a family. People often assume she’s made a choice to focus on her career instead of getting married (or finding a life partner). This statement becomes a certified punch in the gut of this single woman who wants to be a wife and mother, but it just hasn’t happened.
Oftentimes, she is stereotyped as cold-hearted, selfish or just completely naïve or in denial of her fertility life-span. The only proof to the widely-assumed claim that her career is her ultimate focus is that she’s got a job.
The ‘career woman’ is a relic of the Women’s Liberation Movement 50 years ago, when a woman who sought a career was an anomaly or judged for making what many believed to be a radical political statement of feminism. But today, there are more women in the workforce than men. It’s hardly a feminist statement t o have a job. At the very least, it’s a statement of being a responsible member of society who pays her bills.
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Of course, some women do choose to pursue their careers in lieu of being a working mother, or delay motherhood for a couple of years because they feel they need to in order to stay competitive in their industries.(Cheryl Sandberg says you no longer have to). Some women believe that their dedication to their career, and the good that they are building through their work, is their ultimate legacy – Oprah Winfrey certainly comes to mind here. And some women have absolutely no interest in becoming mothers, their careers notwithstanding. But for a woman who’s always yearned to be a mother, labelling her a “feminist career woman,” because she is childless, is hurtful and unfair. I can tell you that the “career woman” myth is anachronistic. And any way you slice it, proven to be simply incorrect.
A recent study by the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology Canada reports that when women were asked about their decision to conceive their first child, 97 percent said that they had been waiting to be in a “secure relationship” before having children. Less than 30 percent cited “career goals” as being “very important” to the decision.
A similar study, in Australia’s Journal of Population Health, reports that childless women in their 30s want to have children, but cannot due to reasons “beyond their control.” Specific reasons cited include: “not having a partner, not having a stable relationship, or with a partner that did not want children.”
Here in Nigeria, most parents want more than a bit -they want a suitably married daughter alongside career success for this daughter. They’d like to tell their neighbours during evening walks that ‘Adetola’s doing so well, she’s just been posted to the international court of justice at the Hague,’ very pleasing to most ears you’d agree. Interestingly, women want both too; the great job and a good home. Different schools of thoughts-endless voices on how women can achieve both. We’re all focused students of this school.
Adetola’s doing well in her career ok, but might it ever occur to mummy that she may just have said no to marrying her boyfriend of many years who has indicated he isn’t interested in living outside the country. Even for ‘Dilim who is working in Nigeria, it is still unfair to make assumptions on her seeming sole focus on her career.’ For one, things are just too different now than they were in the 80s.
Population in the major cities in Nigeria has skyrocketed, making simple daily activities such as commuting to and from work a major chore. So, while ‘Dilim would like to meet the right man and settle down to marriage and children, the demanding environment almost leaves her with little options seeing her current circle is currently not beyond work and office.
Dilim will have to keep paying her career her full attention (with a few of us supporters cheering on) until she finds the right person to settle with. Making the choice to wait for love, marriage and a stable relationship is the most common reason why most single women who want to be mothers are not mothers, barring a biological fertility challenge. So, next time you feel the urge to ask a thirty-something friend why she hasn’t become a mother yet – please suck it up as the Americans say-and take a seat!
Extracts also from savvyauntie.com
