The very idea is insane. On the cusp of my 60th in a couple of days time, I still have a debilitating fear of crossing the road, any road that has traffic anywhere in the world, on my own. I literally get to the middle of the road and I am paralysed by the fear that an on-coming vehicle might knock me off my feet.
So, for as long as I can remember, I am held by the hand to cross the road. First, by my dad and mum and elder sister, then by my husband and children, as they grew older.
The busier the roads the more treacherous it looks and the bigger my fear. The quieter ones are still eerie for someone like me, the suddenness of a car that emanates from the crock of a road and is upon you before you can dock. The quiet dirt roads have their own surprises with motorcycles or keke napeps jumping at you like small animals in a forest.
But my conquering spirit did not spread to knowledge and crossing of roads. It’s that inability to find my way on roads that leads me to get lost in a big house
People ask, how can a woman who seems so confident be unable to cross a road? A task so simple, little children literally skip as they cross through to the other side. I marvel at their dexterity… and a full-grown woman, old enough to be their grandmother, freezes mid way through the activity.
This can happen in London, in New York or Rome where traffic lights work or even in Warsaw, where I remember the roads are so wide and the crossing seems like it would never end. People are often amazed at this disability considering all the circumstances around me and how I have been blessed to be a public speaker.
When I teach public speaking, I tell all those in my class who have severally been paralysed by the microphone and a peering crowd that I used to be shy. The response is usually disbelieving oohs and aahs. Not you, they would say. But it’s true. Yes… me. Bullied by those bigger than I, tongue tied and generally fear driven in school.
I have always been small, so bigger persons often take advantage of me, but as we grew older with much practice, I grew in confidence and in front of the microphone I rise, I conquered, I become. Who would have thought? Over time, the podium became my place of excellence, where I could flower, and with research and understanding and focus, deliver on all fours always by the grace of God.
Read also: The Fear of a Failed Marriage
But my conquering spirit did not spread to knowledge and crossing of roads. It’s that inability to find my way on roads that leads me to get lost in a big house. To go somewhere you have to give me a landmark and take me there fifteen times. And God forbid that we go on foot, the day I go in a car I am lost. I won’t find my way. I don’t know about the rest of you because I am debilitated because I am unable to go back where I went yesterday.
I am quite literally a stray individual when I am left alone somewhere I have been before twenty times in the company of others. I have become the butt of family jokes. Mummy, my children will say… but you have driven past the road to our house. These are my children when they were seven and nine, and the family just moved to a new location.
This is who I am, but I am more than just a lost woman on the road who freezes when she is crossing the road. I am this person who God blessed with children and multiple talents and a fantastic career that brings strangers to my door. God has blessed me with good health, hood friends, kindness of strangers and loved ones. But I am no different from those afraid of cockroaches and ants. People have different fears.
I have conquered most of mine… shyness, ability to speak in public, etc., and if there are a few still that I can’t conquer I manage them elegantly.
Go out there, conquer most of your fears and manage the rest. My children are bigger now and people hardly believe when they mention this fear of mine… crossing the road. My family just stretched out their hands and helped me cross like second nature. I have made peace with myself.
I am going to be sixty…I have only thankfulness… my cup runneth over, whether I can cross the road by myself or not. I do so many other things that other people can’t do. Go ahead… like me… celebrate yourself!
