So, what do you hate the most about this guy? Is it the way he eats or the way he brushes his teeth? Do you tolerate these shortcomings because he has a good sense of humour? How often do you see him now? Thrice a week, perhaps. Think carefully. By the time you are married to him, you are going to live with this guy whose chow manners are a little better than an animal who is hungry. In public, you are going to want to run away. In private, you are going to begin to detest him and you will see him every day.
So, what am I trying to say? I mean, how he eats and how he brushes may not be major mannerisms but they will look larger and more intense when you are closer. Even then, these are still small babies compared to the many grandfather stuff that you know, that are overwhelming, and you still went ahead. It can be complicated.
Why do women fall in love with men? You need to be checking those out. Is it because he is rich? Great but soon the cars will be your only companion and he won’t be there for your emotional roller coaster. I mean money is not bad. He should be able to provide. That is so essential. However, do not get starry eyed over the money and put money over matter. Is he fun to be with? Does he dismiss everything you say in front of his friends? That’s the start of emotional abuse. He will always belittle you. He gets his kick from telling you to shut up in front of his friends. He is controlling and will flip if you say Hello to an old friend. He is jealous even of your dog. This guy has insecurities. You are dealing with a man who is the centre of his own world and who thinks no one else matters. He is not about to change if you married him a thousand times.
Another group of persons you should run away from are the fine boys who over groom. The one you literally have to wrestle your mirror from or share the bathroom mirror with, his head and hair brush occupying three quarters of the mirror space. These ones have been told they are fine by a large number of women, so now he thinks he is doing you a favour. He can’t compliment you but expects you to tell him how fine he is every day. Move on, he is just a fine piece of furniture with no emotions and no empathy. He is the one going to ask you if he is fine on your way to visit your sick mum and then quarrel if you seem sour.
After Mr Fine boy, the one you should be concerned about is the one who walks past a child unable to cross a road because of irresponsible traffic behaviour or the one who does not flinch when your sister’s six-year-old bleeding from a toe stub says Uncle, See my toe. He acts deaf and breezes past. Bad father loading. Watch out, you will be the only one taking the kids to the hospital and worrying about a runny nose when you are married.
After Mr Fine boy, the one you should be concerned about is the one who walks past a child unable to cross a road because of irresponsible traffic behaviour or the one who does not flinch when your sister’s six-year-old bleeding from a toe stub says Uncle, See my toe. He acts deaf and breezes past
Keep your eyes open for the tool man. He will be solid about all the taps handles, all the door knobs and all the carpentry D.I.Y as well as the resident mechanic in the home. Nothing structural can go wrong in your home. He is the man. But when he goes shopping in the evening, he will never buy you ice cream, or biscuits or even fruits on his way home. His hands would be full of cleaning fluids, door knobs and toilet cleaners. lol. These ones don’t understand that a woman needs some chocolate late at night when her man returns from an outing. Can you deal with this practical guy who cannot see the need for a holiday outside Nigeria even if you both can afford one?
So, let’s get down to the brass tacks.
Does he yell at you in public and is sizzling to hit you just because you misplaced the wine opener?
Does he think you are the cook and cleaner and baby manufacturer?
Does he respect you or calls you names in front of the maid and the cook?
Has he attempted to cook for you when you are ill even if the Egusi is runny and the Eba is hard as stone?
Does he listen to your opinion on certain matters and takes some of them on board?
Does he have eyes for everything in skirt including the maid?
Does he respect your family or calls everyone a gold digger or funny people?
Is he spiritual, does he have the fear of God?
Does he have faith; does he love God?
Is he encouraging of your career or takes a swipe at what you do each time?
Does he root for you in whatever project you are involved in and gives advisory?
Is he gentle when you are hurting or just acts like nothing is going on in the face of your pain?
What of Finance?
Is he going Dutch every time you go out and pretends that he forgot his wallet each time you go out making you pay for everything?
Is he always saying Babe now, you know you have more change than I do? We will sort out.
What about communication?
Men are very hard to deal with here. Does he murmur when you speak? Is he quiet throughout a conversation and answers some of the things you raised in the morning when you are going to bed? Do you hear that he is travelling from his sister or from a friend?
Fairness. Can he honestly accept it when his sister is wrong and lay blame appropriately or he shoves the blame and act like his family is never wrong but you are sensitive, too sensitive?
Love expression. Is he able to tell you he loves you and mean it or does he act like he does not understand how to be emotional with you while expecting you to say mushy things to him all the time?
Does he want it when you are tired and is tired when you want it or pretends, he does not understand? Lol
Does he understand affection, gifts, kindness and how to say thank you and more importantly how to say sorry?
Take a look at your father in law and mother in law. Are there physical and subtle characters you do not want in your children? Is one of your sister in law short fused, quarrelsome and foul mouthed? Hmmm… Do you want to have one of your children exactly like that? Is your husbands Uncle disrespectful and misogynistic? Okay Oh! The ball is in your court. What can you live the rest of your life with? Which can you affect and trust me its minimal and what can you not live with for the rest of your life?
Think hard on all of these before you say yes. Understand guys, their emotions and shortcomings. Understand his family. Try!
It’s a life time, its forever. Look before you leap.
Good luck.
NB Next week we look at the masculine edition. Stay tuned.
