• Monday, April 22, 2024
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BusinessDay

Bum attack

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Is it me or there is a new method of wearing trousers these days which I am not familiar with?

Let’s start with the girls. I observe that some girls have chosen to assault us with their low-rise jeans which immediately bring us in eye contact with their thongs which I believe should not be on public display. Something is wrong with an attempt at fashion where you deliberately attack your neighbour, onlookers and casual bystanders with your massive behind or you are constantly pulling up your trousers because every time you lean forward, we have to shade our eyes.

My attention has been drawn several times to girls whose behinds are doing the walk of shame on highways, in public places and in offices. Explain please, Ms Yellow pants, why I can see where I should not and I am not even trying. At a high-end public function recently, I saw a young lady who made me so sad I had to go over and speak with her. I had to do this because as a woman I was quite embarrassed just looking at her. Believe me, so was everyone else sitting beside me. Her hair first of all was blonde, you know the wig thing (badly done), and she was wearing false eyelashes (badly done) so anytime she blinked, it looked like they would fall off her head. Here was Ms Blonde Wig pulling up her jeans which she had worn with a cropped Ankara jacket. Oh, I forgot to mention, she was as black as tar. Please imagine it: blonde wig, really dark complexion, extremely low-rise jeans. She looked like a prostitute gone wrong in the middle of a serious public event. Her jeans showed off browning white underwear, and her belt was on her hip. It was just a tragic spectacle. And you never guessed, she was an usher at this event. You know that job where you show people their seats and direct them wherever they want to go. I was so distressed because in addition to her wardrobe and hair drama, she also looked positively mad. Usher? I was scandalised. This brings me to another point. Who hires these girls who think their job is to proposition all men passing by and why are there hardly male ushers? But I digress.

After speaking with Ms Blondie about how ill-dressed she was and how her wares were all on display, she first of all gave me a look that suggested that I was blind, then disappeared into the crowd. When she returned, her make-up was now runny, she was sweating, her teeth had lipstick stains and her trousers were lower than ever. Ladies, have you no friends, mothers or sisters to put you in perspective?

Bum attack is not fashionable no matter what anyone tells you. It’s indecent, cheap, vulgar and disrespectful to on-lookers. It is a human right violation when you disturb the public peace, assault another citizen and cause grievous bodily harm by your generous display of X-rated material. It is indecent exposure. If you must share space with me in the public space, society demands that you conduct yourself in a proper and decent manner. Should you wish to show your body indecently, I will advise that you do it within the confines of your home. I doubt that this will bother anyone.

Let us now move to young men and boys. I have had cause to address a young boy whose trousers were on his hips in those days of sagging. I had been told by an American friend of mine that sagging was from a criminal culture in the United States. This is because once arrested and incarcerated, a man is dispossessed of his belt. This then leaves him with no choice but to let his jeans drop to his waist. Borrowed by rappers and the thug mentality and fuelled by rebellion and police racism and brutality, it found its way into mainstream culture and into Nigeria. Explain, young man, why I can see the irritating multi-colours of your boxer shorts. They are not meant to be on display, they are underwear and in case you did not notice, they are quite unattractive.

And sagging without the “g” at the end when spelt backwards is NIGGAS. So, it also has derogatory connotation. Did any of our young men care to check out the history of sagging? No, it is just a follow-follow culture enhanced and popularised by international media.

Follow your dreams; be your own person, not a distant second-class citizen in perpetuating the worst part in other people’s culture some of which are neither elegant nor appealing. I have heard some young people say it is modernisation. I am not aware that looking like a scallywag is synonymous with modernity. Today’s world is so multimedia and digital that when you become a mother or father and older, those naked pictures you posted on Facebook thinking you were cool will come back to haunt you. A word is enough for the wise.