A lot of Nigerians say many things are wrong with their electoral system – the president and lawmakers are fighting over how to amend the law, INEC is accused of imposing the President’s niece on us, without bothering to find out if Atiku’s nephew has any use for his free time, voter apathy, vote buying and Sowore promising that he would replace crude oil export with weed.
Yes all these are problems, but they stem from our inability to think outside the box. Here’s an idea no one is actually thinking seriously about, why not replace the February 16 vote for president with the selection of the next Big brother housemate and make the winning contestant president!
I know you’d probably think the weed I’m on is of superior quality but let’s examine the facts. Big Brother Naija, arguably the most important thing on Nigerian television every three months in a year has announced auditions for the 2019 edition. It was slated for February 1 and 2 and the Lagos leg held at D’Podium International Event Centre, Ikeja.
Someone who arrived the venue by 4am found that there were already 700 people in front of him. Now, considering that only about 20 contestants are required on the reality show and that auditions are also taking place in Port Harcourt, Enugu and other places with crowds larger than miracle crusades, what really are your chances of getting on the show and winning the N45m prize?
There are over 198million Nigerians and 65 percent of them, or around 128million are less than 30 years of age – the target age of Big brother participants, do you now get an idea of what is wrong with our democracy?
Let me break it down further. In the season three of the last Big brother Naija which was won by Miracle Ikechukwu Igbokwe, the show garnered 170million votes while Nigeria’s last general election only recorded a paltry 28.2million votes. Now, sincerely, if this were truly a democracy, rule by majority vote, Miracle should be calling the shots in Aso Rock. Maybe Nina would have been going round the markets now sharing N10,000 instead of somebody’s father and a law professor doing the sharing!
Before you jump in with the rigor of an intellectual analysis stripped of reason, I know votes were repeated, but show me an election where double voting does not occur. Find out from the smart lawyers at Wole Olanipekun & Company how much of their work comes from politicians dragging each other to court over accusations of election rigging before you argue with your computer.
Most presidential aspirants spend the bulk of their time campaigning for office and wooing electorates. Atiku had to travel to the US to prove he was not wanted there. Buhari even had to restrain his Pyton Dance long enough to make a visit to Aba. It doesn’t matter that he was greeted by an empty stadium; he left his catchment areas – Daura, Bauchi and Abuja for the east. It is significant considering that the last time he remembered that the place was part of Nigeria was in 2014, when he was wearing isi agu and grinning like someone who missed the joke.
Big brother Naija contestants, after selection give Nigerians well tailored messages. Who has forgotten Bisola gushing about her daughter or Nina’s pitch about how her many sexual encounters left her a virgin or Efe’s cognac-induced philosophising about life. These guys take time out to speak about their dreams and aspirations and we listen.
Now how many people watch the presidential debate? Even Aunty Oby after all that energy dropped out the next day. True, Miracle’s claim to being a pilot may not be more than the fact that he got a pilot costume but he has over 20,000 more followers on Twitter than Kingsley Moghalu even though the latter is a professor, has worked with the United Nations and had been a Deputy Governor of the Central Bank.
So if more people will rather listen to Miracle than Moghalu, why in God’s name is he not on the ballot? At the last town hall Buhari kept asking his deputy what Kadaria was saying, and he still has not figured out what technology was being used to work the microphone, Big brother contestants wear microphone for 84 days. They can figure these things out.
Another thing most president’s campaign about is the economy. Atiku may have a smart market oriented policy and Buhari believes if he locks enough people in jail on corruption allegations real or imagined, and scare away investors so this can become a talakawa empire, Big brother show evidence smart economic management.
There are currently 20.9million unemployed Nigerians which is 74 percent of the 28.2million that determined the winner of the 2015 presidential elections. How do you engage the untapped energy of this vast people and profit from their idleness? Build them a fantasy. Develop a business plan wherein a hungry man parts with his cash upon the promise of sniffing through a soup kitchen. Take advantage of the ASUU strike to reinforce a fantasy that distracts millions from the misery of their pathetic situation. This would have been hilarious, if it weren’t so scandalous.
If you convince them to part with N30 on SMS, 170million votes will give you a cool N5.1billion. Then give the winner a package worth N45 million which is made up of N25 million in cash, a new SUV worth N12 million, a complete home entertainment system worth N3.3 million and an all-expense paid trip for two worth N4.7 million. The rest of us are left salivating on Miracles millions and those who preferred Bisola to win foaming over her loss. We still pay N30 an SMS to tell them how angry we are. Now, there is an entire economy where grown men hawk past questions of big brother auditions.
The people in Abuja borrowing money from everywhere can learn a lesson or two. And so should INEC. It has grown from begging Nigerians to collect their PVCs to threatening them because it does not have enough imagination on how to distribute them. But Nigerians defy rain, sunshine and sleep to queue at Big Brother auditions. Even the crowd at party rallies are paid for while the show turns away people, and sets security on people scaling the fence to jump into the venue.
So, Nigeria can get it right when starts to practice true democracy by making the next big brother housemate president.
