The discipline of refinement

The hardest victory is the victory over self. – Aristotle

A good way to start this section is to provide a brief exposition on the discipline of refinement and the value of self restraint- the former being the offspring of the latter.

A gentleman who had just taken delivery of his brand new BMW saloon car was test-driving it to enjoy the feel of it. Just as he got to the Oworonsoki part of the 3rd Mainland Bridge, pulling out from the bus-stop under the bridge, a kombi bus accidentally hit the BMW and broke the side view mirror. Ouch! The owner of the BMW came out of his car and walked round to examine the damage. In the same minute, the kombi driver and his conductor prostrated and began to plead for leniency. Ignoring their entreaties, the gentleman went to the boot of his BMW, retrieved his brand new wheel spanner went over to the kombi bus and smashed the side view mirror. As soon he did this, the bus driver got off his knees asked the conductor to get their own weather-beaten, rusty wheel spanner and preceded to smash the other side view mirror of the BMW. In a feat of rage, the BMW owner smashed the bus’ other side view mirror. The incensed bus driver smashed the windshield of the BMW and the BMW guy retaliated by smashing the windshield of the bus. The bus driver took his revenge by smashing the rear screen of the BMW. Of course, by now, a sizeable crowd had gathered watching in awe at the display of reckless destruction. As the BMW owner was moving to smash the bus again, a young man who had parked his car to watch the commotion held him back exclaiming “oga, ah ah, ah ah!” Suddenly, the BMW owner burst into tears.

Here’s a question for you: why do you think the man cried?

One fact of life people find hard to accept is that most of the events in our lives play out the way they do because of the choices we make. The possession and display of refinement, class, finesse and character is no different; it is a choice. It is not acquired with age, status, position, wealth or experience. It is a deliberate decision to live a decent and dignified life. Refinement requires huge doses of self-awareness, self-discipline and a determination to have decorum. Self discipline or self control is a product of self knowledge. Self knowledge refers to a basic understanding of who you are, the values you ascribe to yourself and the way you want the world to perceive you. When you have established these, you must decide firmly to shape your behaviour accordingly. Under no circumstances then must you give vent to the full weight of your emotions no matter the temptation or provocation.

There is no better way to appreciate the concept of refinement and the rigours attached to it than to take a tour down the process of gold refinement.

We all are like gold

Like the purification of gold, there is a good way and an excellent way of doing everything and for each method, the price differs. Also like gold, we are not born polished and finished; we will have to go through the fire of refinement to have all the debris in our personalities: all our wrong preconceived notions, ideas, beliefs and biases melted down, purified and re-moulded again. We will have to master the difficult discipline of restraint and self-control: the cornerstones of a refined personality.

There’s no such thing as fate

I have since come to realise that man has two creators- God and himself. His first Creator furnishes him with the raw material of his life and the laws in conformity with which he can make that life what he wills. His second creator, himself, decides what to do with the raw materials given to him. By his actions and inactions, he shapes his future and decides his destiny. Most of us place the blame for our circumstances on everything and everyone but ourselves. But the truth is that we are chiefly responsible for the kind of person that we turn out to be. One piece of advice I have found useful in my life is this: A man is 10percent what life deals him, and 90percent how he reacts. Is it not funny how when people fail in life they usually say, “It is my destiny, or such is life” and when they succeed, the music changes and they proudly proclaim themselves as “self-made”?

The truth is: we are all “self makers” and the old cliché speaks an eternal truth when it says: we are the architects of our own destinies. If there is one thought pattern to completely eradicate from your mind on your journey to success, it is this: “I am at the mercy of circumstances, and I have no control over the outcome of my life”. It is what the renowned author, William George Jordan, tags the “I am a feeble worm of the dust” theory.

Every human being is a great soul with marvelous possibilities, and a solid evidence of this can be seen in the structuring and workings of developed societies. We are more than capable of organising Nigeria like any of the western countries; after all, these societies are maintained by people like you and I. The difference in our realities however, lies in the amount of discipline and control exercised.

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The power of self-control is the one quality that differentiates man from the lower animals. Every step in the progress of the world has been a new “control.” Once we did not understand the lightning flash, and we trembled at it; today we understand it to be electricity, a force we have mastered and made to work for us. Once we had to wait many months to receive a message from a loved one across the Atlantic, today, we get parcels in a matter of hours. However, of all these great controls mastered by man, the greatest of all is self-control.

Mastery of any and everything is achieved only through discipline and self-control, there is no shortcut. A man who disciplines his wife by battering her to show her who is in control is in fact not in control. He has ceded his power to the animalistic tendencies inherent in him. He has fallen back on the base of unprocessed gold. With no action, no processing, the gold will remain useless. The same applies to human beings; with all the talk and wishful thinking in the world, nothing will change if we do not pay the price that is required for transformation. The price is self-control.

A classic demonstration of this principle can be found everywhere. Take a moment to think about any one of the hundreds of individuals that have attained the pinnacle of success in their ventures or fields. You will find that whether it is in business, sports, education, entertainment or fashion, their success and fame can’t be chalked up to luck or coincidence but rather to a series of disciplined actions that birthed success.

Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People summed up the secret of excellence as: “The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value”. In other words, when we exchange what we want to do now for what we want to achieve later, when we tame our natural inclinations and pursue control, we display the most powerful aspects of self-mastery. We demonstrate the discipline that prepares us for success. We can’t change our future and our outcomes until we change ourselves. This is no easy feat, if it were; we would have more people being celebrated in the world. If it were only a matter of words, we would not be in our present predicament as a nation. On a personal level, you will find that a good number of your failures can be linked to a deficiency in the area of self discipline. You cannot cross the sea by merely standing and staring at the water.

The secret of excellence lies in your ability to banish the “ko-mean syndrome”. The ko-mean syndrome, gradually but surely degrades us on a daily basis. Every time we settle for less, we get even less than we settled for. Our standards will always be on a downward spiral.

Since this book is about refinement at the individual level, let’s explore the concept of personality refinement.

(Excerpt from The Art of Refinement by Mavi Isibor)

Mavi Sokia Isibor- The Etiquette Icon is the Author of The Art of Refinement, Nigeria’s first resource material on Etiquette. She is also Group CEO of Poise Nigeria Limited, Nigeria’s premier and foremost Personality and Image branding consultancy firm.

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