Felix Nwadioha was a successful truck driver, trucking goods from Onitsha to other parts of the country for his employers -an Onitsha-based beverages manufacturing company. He did this for 23 years.
Shortly after retirement, life became difficult. He had used his life savings to send his five kids abroad to acquire ‘Whiteman’ education believing they would take care of him at old age.
Unfortunately, the little they occasionally sent was barely enough to pay his bills. In the midst of all that, his wife of 40 years, Margaret left him for Bonny, Rivers State on the excuse that she was going to take care of her aged mother. That was the last Felix saw his wife until his demise last month.
Adelani Ogunrinde, a former Vice-Chancellor, National University of Lesotho, lived alone in Lesotho while his wife lived in Abuja and the children in North America. He died around 2011, with the family still dispersed. He had in 2008 while delivering the Second Commencement Lecture of Bowen University, Iwo on October 16, 2008, highlighted, almost in lamentation, the phenomenon of the dispersed family using his own family as an example.
The above scenarios typify the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in middle and upper-class families in Nigeria.
BusinessDay investigations indicate that in the last five years, the country has recorded an increase in the number of ageing Nigerian husbands and fathers due to what one analyst described as “a silent revolt” or better still “a gang-up” against men by their wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad or separate from him while still in Nigeria.
With Nigeria’s worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are citizens.
Economic factor, especially employment, has also been identified as contributing to the dispersal of the family, even at the local level where, for example, a husband works in Lagos, Kano or Port Harcourt and the wife and children are living in Abuja or other cities, with dire consequences for family cohesion.
According to observers, the irony is that it is the successful husbands and fathers who are the ones most in this bind. They stated that men took different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight years.
Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in their countries of residence, acquire higher education, raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter.
“If you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets – an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and above,” said Olusegun Ademola, a retired professor of Clinical Psychology.
He continued, “at other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Clubhouse. There is a club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home – no chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity”.
Some Nigerians went abroad as employees of government agencies or international organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back – different strokes. While some returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home.
A US-based Nigerian, Uzoma Nwagwu, told BusinessDay via phone that Nigeria has a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others.
Nwagwu identified a third category as those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, he said, “going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe continues”.
Meanwhile, further investigations reveal that the returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children.
Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the children’s non-reciprocation.
Then, the music changed, bringing about the current woes of many men, despite some putting a bright face to it. This time, wives started travelling abroad, ostensibly to help take care of their grandchildren abroad. That was when husbands’ problems began. You would think there was a National Conference for Diaspora-bound Grandmothers at which a road map was distributed.
This is because the experiences of many marooned husbands are similar: initially, when the first grandchild is born, the wife travels abroad and spends about three months. She returns home, spends about nine months to a year and when the second grandchild is born, she either spends six months or stays back permanently.
For those who come back after the second trip, the third is for a permanent stay. This is what has now been described by many as the plight of the husband ‘bachelor’.
Speaking at the Bowen University Public lecture, Ogunrinde said that despite the difficult condition aged men found themselves, living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, many were not ready to take a second wife.
“Even those in their early 50s who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract temporary marriages soon abandon the venture. I was to learn that the decision against taking a second wife, for many, is generally financially based, given the rising cost of education. “How do you expect me to start training a child from kindergarten at this age”, noted a 60-year-old Ibadan resident whose wife and children are in the US”, the professor quoted.
Stating that he drew inspiration from more elderly people who are in their 70s and in a similar situation, Ogunriade, however, conceded that he felt the absence of his family most during festive seasons when the loneliness hits him.
He further explained that some not so solvent men again take consolation in dollars and pound sterling from their Diaspora children, adding that, “even then, not all are so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes. There are those who take in the house helps, often with unpleasant experiences”.
An oil company retiree with a big house in an upscale Lekki area of Lagos (names withheld) said the house helps can be so unappreciative of your assistance and can walk out on you anytime.
He narrated an episode where the driver threw the car key at him in the middle of nowhere, knowing that he had not driven for a long time. A common concern among elderly husbands living alone is the health hazard, the dread of falling ill in the middle of the night with no one to assist.
He also told the pathetic story of a man in the Alagbole area of Ogun State who had died three days before the door was forced open when he did not attend a Tuesday church meeting.
Many ‘single’ husbands say their wives are always persuading them to come over, that the wives wonder why the husbands choose to stay in the hellhole called Nigeria. Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some husbands follow their wives abroad.
According to an Asokoro, Abuja resident Josiah Danladi, a lawyer, “when the second invitation came for my wife to come to London, I told my son he has to send tickets for two, that I can’t stay back again”.
Now, after six months, they returned home. But when the wife was to go for the third and extended stay, he said he declined. “I find it very boring”, he lamented. “Why should they take my wife away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children”, Danladi queried in anger.
