February 14: Digital era Valentines and decline in deep connections

As February 14 draws nigh, I contemplate the death of intimacy in a digital world and what that might mean if truly the way we love is being reshaped—perhaps even eroded—by our reliance on technology. The advent of dating apps, social media, and AI-driven companionship has profoundly altered the landscape of romantic relationships, particularly in Nigeria and the broader African context. While these technologies promise greater connectivity, they have also ushered in a culture of fleeting connections, where ghosting, “situationships,” and non-committal engagements are becoming the norm. We risk losing the rich, communal, and deeply rooted ways love has traditionally been cultivated in African societies.

Historically, relationships have thrived on interpersonal connections, family involvement, and a collective sense of accountability. Elders guided courtship, and social bonds were forged through shared experiences rather than swipes on a screen. Love was not only seen as a private but also a communal investment. Today, however, the convenience of digital romance is replacing these time-honoured practices. Online dating platforms offer an illusion of abundance—endless profiles to scroll through, unlimited options—but this excess leads to choice paralysis, disposable interactions, and an inability to commit. The more options we have, the less likely we are to invest deeply in any one relationship, fearing that a better match may be just one swipe away.

The rise of ghosting—abruptly cutting off communication without explanation—has become a defining feature of modern romance. Once an anomaly, this phenomenon has now been normalised, leaving individuals feeling rejected, self-doubt, and lonely. Studies suggest that ghosting evokes psychological distress akin to social exclusion, triggering emotional turmoil and a diminished sense of self-worth. In societies like Nigeria, where relationships are often built on strong communal ties, this erosion of accountability in personal interactions represents a profound cultural shift. The immediate gratification of digital communication has stripped relationships of the patience, resilience, and interpersonal skills that traditional courtships once required.

Similarly, the prevalence of “situationships”—undefined, non-committal relationships—has surged, leaving many individuals in emotional limbo. Unlike the structured courtships of the past, where clarity and long-term intentions were emphasised, these ambiguous entanglements breed insecurity and anxiety. While proponents argue that situationships offer freedom from rigid relationship expectations, the emotional toll of such transient connections often outweighs the benefits. The instability of these arrangements leads to cycles of emotional dependence, dissatisfaction, and, ultimately, a weakened foundation for genuine intimacy. This erosion of commitment affects not just individuals but the cultural fabric of African societies, where marriage and family units have traditionally been central pillars of social stability.

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Even more unsettling is the rise of AI-driven relationships, where chatbots and virtual companions are designed to fulfil emotional needs. While these technologies may give temporary solace, they fundamentally distort our understanding of intimacy. True human connection involves vulnerability, reciprocity, and emotional depth—qualities that artificial intelligence, for all its sophistication, cannot replicate. As we increasingly deploy AI for companionship, we risk substituting genuine human interactions with programmed responses, further eroding our ability to build meaningful relationships. The ease of AI-driven interactions may, over time, condition individuals to avoid the complexities and emotional labour that come with real relationships.

Furthermore, the resort to digital intimacy has implications beyond personal relationships—it influences how we engage in social and familial bonds as well. The erosion of face-to-face communication skills, the reduction in empathy, and the growing preference for convenience over depth threaten the resilience of communal structures. African societies, which have historically placed immense value on extended family networks and shared responsibilities, may be struggling with the unintended consequences of this digital transformation. If left unchecked, we risk raising generations that struggle with emotional intelligence, effective communication, and long-term commitment.

The ramifications of this digital shift are not just personal but societal. Love, in its deepest form, is a binding force that nurtures individuals and communities alike. When relationships become transactional, fleeting or artificially engineered, the very fabric of society is affected. We become more isolated, less empathetic, and more susceptible to emotional distress. The implications of these changes are profound, extending into mental health crises, increased loneliness, and a broader decline in relationship satisfaction.

Yet, all is not lost. The digital age does not have to spell the death of intimacy. Rather, it calls for a conscious effort to preserve and adapt our traditional ways within a modern context. While technology can facilitate connections, it should not replace the core elements that make relationships meaningful—commitment, depth, and emotional investment. By fostering intentionality in our romantic pursuits and resisting the culture of disposability, we can reclaim the essence of true intimacy in an increasingly digital world. This requires active engagement from individuals, communities, and even policymakers to encourage deeper, more meaningful human connections in the face of rapid technological change.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, let us reflect on love and how we love. Are we nurturing relationships that enrich our lives, or are we merely skimming the surface of connection, trapped in an endless cycle of swipes and unread messages? The choice is ours, but the consequences of losing intimacy are far-reaching. If we do not act now, we may wake up one day to find that love, in its truest form, has become a relic of the past.

I wish you love!

Ukoh, an alum of the American University of Nigeria, Yola, and PhD student (Social Work) at Columbia University, wrote in from New York.