Everyone desires a great marriage and while that is a good thing, you would also agree that the going could get tough at times.
There are times when it could seem like nothing is working despite all the efforts and investments you are making. It can be really tiring and frustrating.
Maybe your spouse has remained more adamant as ever and is not even showing any sign of change and you’re beginning to wonder if connection can ever deepen again.
Your pain is validated and I’ve shared below 5 steps to take when you feel stuck and don’t know what else to do as regards your marriage.
1, DO AN EVALUATION: The first thing to do when things are not going as you envisaged is to review the current situation you’re facing in your marriage. Reflect on what happened and see where you may be missing it.
You may want to start with these few questions;
i. How did you both get here?
ii. What is the pattern around your marriage? What is the pattern around your spouse’s parents’ marriage and your own parents’ marriage?
iii. Is there a pattern that looks similar to what is presently happening?
iv. What are the triggers that causes both of you to fight every time?
Asking these questions would help you to gain deeper insight into what is happening and you can strategize on a better way to go about it.
2, FOCUS ON GETTING BETTER
How about you take your eyes off your spouse for a while (i.e., turn a blind eye to what he/she is not doing right) and shift the focus to yourself? Except you are dealing with abuse and violence, take some time to reflect on your transformation first.
Why do you look at the (insignificant) speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the log that is in your own eye?
In the process of waiting for your partner to change, are there behavioral changes you can make from your end?
Maybe all you need to do is to mind the way you think, how you address issues, your approach to matters and situations.
Do you always play the blame game when you should have taken responsibility and admit your fault? Are you always defensive when you should own up? Do you become aggressive instead of tendering your opinion to your spouse in a respectful manner when you don’t share the same view with on a matter?
Instead of pointing accusing fingers, how about you look inwards and see how you can become a better spouse?
3, CLOSE THE GAPS
Looking inwards would help you see your weak points too and how things can change.
If you have discovered some areas that you feel like you can do better at, you can come up with a plan around the books, courses or trainings that you know you can be a part of that can help you.
You may need to learn about communication, conflict resolutions and emotional intelligence. And if you can identify certain things you need, take note of these things and observe if you can get better.
While you’re seeking ways to be better by applying knowledge, you also need to prayerfully arrest the situation by spending some time with God and ask for discernment.
Ask God for revelation and knowledge, ask Him to open your eyes to the foundational issues, ask Him to show you what could be wrong, the adjustments that can be made because sometimes you may not be able to see things clearly yet. When you seek God with all your heart, He would show you the things you need to know.
4, HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM
When things are not going well, don’t stay alone and keep to yourself. Don’t be in isolation when things are getting bad. You should have a trusted elder or spiritual mentor or someone you know you can speak to that can support and guide you so that you don’t deteriorate in your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
You need someone that can enhance your spiritual growth in case you sense that you need help in that area. Never walk through the hard times of your marriage alone, there are communities that can empower you. You only need to find your company.
When you decide to leave your marriage, it will not happen in a day, you still need to plan for it, hence get support, become better and make an informed decision.
5, SPEAK TO A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLOR
One of the things I’ve discovered is that when you finally reach out for counseling, you will be able to see things clearly from a neutral eyes. It doesn’t matter if you’re the only one seeking for counselling first, just make the effort to go through the process and you will notice how the level of knowledge that you’ll get can help you. It might be for you first and then progress to cause a change in your home. You can book a session with me here: www.nikefolagbade.com/coachingpackage