When we think of loss, we often focus on the tangible — the loss of a loved one, a job, or a home. These are the types of losses that are visible, measurable, and commonly acknowledged by society. However, not all losses are as concrete. Intangible losses are often more subtle, harder to define, and yet they can have a significant impact on a person’s emotional well-being. Understanding intangible loss is crucial because, when a tangible loss occurs, unresolved intangible losses can compound the grief, leading to overwhelming emotions.
What is intangible Loss?
Intangible loss refers to losses that are not tied to a physical object or person but are instead connected to emotions, identity, or experiences. These losses are often internal and deeply personal, making them harder to recognise and process. Examples of intangible loss include:
Loss of Identity: When life circumstances change, such as a career shift, retirement, or becoming a parent, people can feel a sense of loss around who they once were.
Loss of Dreams and Expectations: Sometimes, we grieve for the life we expected to have, which might not have turned out the way we envisioned.
Loss of Security: This could be emotional or financial security. The end of a relationship, for example, may leave someone feeling emotionally exposed and vulnerable.
Loss of Connection: Drifting apart from close friends or family, or losing a sense of community, can create a sense of isolation.
These losses often go unspoken and unnoticed, making them difficult to address. Yet, they are just as valid as tangible losses and can create a foundation of unresolved grief.
How Intangible Loss Compounds Over Time
One of the challenges with intangible loss is that it is often pushed aside, ignored, or not fully processed because it isn’t always recognised as a legitimate form of grief. Over time, these small, seemingly insignificant losses can accumulate, creating emotional weight. Each unprocessed loss adds to the burden, creating an undercurrent of sadness, frustration, or disconnection.
When we experience a significant tangible loss, such as the death of a loved one, these hidden intangible losses can resurface, compounding the emotional response. It’s like the tipping point of a scale — the weight of the new loss suddenly causes all the past unresolved feelings to come crashing down.
Why Intangible Loss Feels Overwhelming After a Tangible Loss
When a tangible loss occurs, it can feel as though it is triggering a floodgate of emotions from unresolved past intangible losses. For example, the death of a loved one might stir up previous feelings of loneliness or abandonment that were never fully dealt with. This creates a complex emotional landscape where the person is not only grieving the current loss but also all the previous losses that are now demanding attention.
This overwhelming feeling can happen for several reasons:
1. Unresolved Grief Piles Up: Past intangible losses often create unresolved grief, which can remain dormant until a new loss brings it to the surface. The intensity of the new loss can reignite old wounds, leading to a sense of being emotionally flooded.
2. Lack of Recognition for Intangible Loss: Because intangible losses are less acknowledged, many people don’t feel validated in their grief. When a tangible loss happens, it can highlight how little attention has been paid to their previous emotional struggles, leading to a compounded sense of sorrow.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: Carrying the weight of multiple intangible losses without realising it can drain emotional energy. When a tangible loss occurs, the person might feel like they are running on empty, without the emotional reserves to handle it.
The Psychological Impact of Intangible Loss
Intangible losses can have a profound psychological impact, often leading to a range of emotional and behavioural challenges. Research has shown that these losses can lead to chronic sorrow and complicated grief if not properly addressed. Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind these losses is crucial for developing effective coping strategies and therapeutic interventions.
Emotional Impact:
● Grief and Mourning: While often associated with tangible losses, grief can also arise from intangible losses.
● Depression and Anxiety: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worry can emerge as a result of unprocessed intangible losses.
● Trauma: Significant intangible losses, such as the loss of a dream or a major life transition, can be traumatic and lead to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Cognitive Impact:
● Negative thought patterns: Catastrophizing, overgeneralization, and all-or-nothing thinking can contribute to feelings of hopelessness and despair.
● Impaired cognitive function: Difficulty concentrating, making decisions, and problem-solving.
Behavioural Impact:
● Avoidance behaviours: Withdrawing from social activities, neglecting responsibilities, or substance abuse.
● Risk-taking behaviours: Engaging in impulsive or reckless behaviour as a way to cope with emotional pain.
Interpersonal Impact:
● Strained relationships: Difficulty communicating effectively, increased conflict, and social isolation.
● Challenges in intimacy: Difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships.
Real Life Stories
Ayo’s Story
Ayo is a 35 year old Lagos-based professional working in a multinational company. After years of hard work, he was on the verge of landing his dream job, but the company underwent restructuring, and Ayo was laid off. While the job loss was tangible — a clear end to his employment — Ayo found himself struggling with deeper, more intangible losses. He had tied his identity and self-worth to his career. The loss of his job made him question who he was outside of work, leading to a sense of purposelessness and insecurity.
As a man living in a society where success is often measured by career achievements, Ayo felt pressure to “move on” quickly, but his unresolved feelings around the loss of identity only grew. When another tangible loss occurred — such as losing a family member — it reignited all the past feelings he had suppressed about his job loss. Ayo realised he needed to acknowledge and process his intangible losses, like the loss of dreams and identity, to heal fully and prevent future overwhelm.
Chioma’s Story
Chioma, a 28 year old from Enugu, recently moved to the UK after getting married. Before the move, she had a strong community of family and friends who provided her with emotional support. The move disrupted this, and although she still kept in touch, Chioma felt the intangible loss of connection and belonging that her close knit community had provided. These losses were subtle and hard to explain, but they lingered in the background, affecting her sense of comfort in her new city.
When Chioma’s grandmother passed away, this tangible loss magnified the grief she had been carrying from her earlier loss of connection. The overwhelming sorrow she felt wasn’t just about her grandmother’s death — it was also about the compounded feelings of isolation and emotional disconnection. By recognising that her grief wasn’t solely about her grandmother, Chioma was able to process her emotions more fully and seek new ways to rebuild a sense of community in her new environment.
How to Begin Healing from Intangible Losses
The key to avoiding emotional overwhelm when tangible losses occur is to begin recognising and processing intangible losses before they accumulate. Here are some steps to start the healing process:
1. Recognise the Losses: Take time to reflect on the past changes in your life that have impacted you emotionally. Recognising the intangible losses, such as loss of identity, security, or connection, is the first step to processing them.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve: Understand that intangible losses are real and deserve to be grieved. Just because they are less visible doesn’t mean they are less important.
3. Journal Your Feelings: Writing about your intangible losses can help you gain clarity and release the pent up emotions tied to them. Reflect on how these losses have shaped your current emotional state.
4. Seek Support: Speaking with a Grief therapist or trusted friend can help you navigate the complexities of intangible losses. Sometimes, simply talking about these losses can offer validation and relief.
5. Practice Self Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you process these losses. Healing from intangible grief takes time, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions as you go through this journey.
Final Thoughts
Intangible loss may not be immediately visible or widely recognised, but it is a powerful force in shaping our emotional health. By acknowledging and addressing these hidden losses, we can prevent them from compounding our grief when a tangible loss occurs. Taking time to process both tangible and intangible losses is essential for long-term emotional wellness, allowing us to grieve fully and heal more completely.
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