Do you know that during counseling sessions, when a partner begins to explain how they feel about their marriage, the other partner usually says things like; “I have never heard these things before”. I mean spouses say that the complaints and expressions they are hearing from their partner in the session are unknown to them. They are usually shocked by the revelations of the breakdown in their home.
This makes them defensive and then they say things like; “But I always provide for the house. But I always take care of the children. But I’ve never denied you sex, why do you have these grudges against me? Am I supposed to be perfect?”
You see, one of the reasons why you are ignorant of the issues in your marriage is because you’re not listening.
During arguments with your spouse, you may be too quick to defend yourself and latch onto your spouse. Worse still, you don’t let your partner express themselves with their true intentions. You always want to interpret what they mean in your own way and this can make the main issue lost. A lot of spouses are carrying deep burdens and grudges in their marriage because their partners truly don’t listen. You probably always sweep things under the carpet and just focus on being the right one, focused on work and your phone, or just prefer to hang out with your friends.
Read also: How to stop being defensive in your relationship
It can also be that you are the one experiencing this from your partner, your partner hardly listens to you.
Dealing with issues and growing in your marriage requires maturity and listening is one of the ways to achieve this, here are a few ways to get better.
During conversation:
1. Listen with the intention to understand, not defend yourself.
2. Ask questions and make sure you understand the true intentions of your spouse.
3. If you feel the need to interrupt, write down your thoughts on paper or your phone note and deal with them when it’s your turn to talk.
4. Take time to understand why your partner does not accept your opinions and give them time to adjust or think through clearly.
5. Apologise where you’re wrong and ask how you can be better.
6. Implement these things and truly get better.
7. Research on how you can be a better spouse and put in the work.
8. Read books and take programs that can improve your marriage.
9. Focus on speaking your partner’s love language and always ask how they feel.
10. Evaluate your relationship frequently by willingly listening to each other.
11. Change how you receive feedback in your marriage, from seeing it as an attack to seeing it as an area of improvement.
12. Explore counseling.
But what if you’re married to someone who does not want to ever listen, talk and confront issues? Then you can seek counseling or resources that can help you navigate these issues with wisdom. You can start counseling alone also, stop waiting for dual counseling, counseling can help you see things differently.
You may also be married to someone who is a product of childhood trauma and they haven’t learned how to manage issues.
If you would love to have a counseling session, start with a free 20 minnutes session here https://calendly.com/nficoaching/20min or book a paid session that gives us the opportunity to speak in a structured manner with enough time to explore solutions here: www.nikefolagbade.com/coachingpackage. Remember that every marriage is unique and the solutions should apply to your own unique marriage.
If you cannot afford counseling yet, I also recommend reading my book, Untold Secrets That Wreck Marriages, check it here: www.nikefolagbade.com/untoldsecrets
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