To recover from failure, try some self-compassion

If a good friend tells you about an ordeal they’re facing or a mistake they’ve made, how do you typically respond? In all likelihood, you offer kindness and comfort, perhaps speaking in a warm and soothing tone — maybe offering a hug to show how much you care.

Now reflect for a moment on how you treat yourself when you make a big mistake or experience a setback. It’s likely that you’re much tougher on yourself — that you spring to self-criticism, hide in embarrassment or shame, or ruminate for a long time on your perceived shortcomings or bad luck. When things go wrong in our lives, we tend to become our own worst enemies.

What does it take to rescue yourself and begin to address the situation effectively? Self-compassion. You need to treat yourself with the same kindness and support that you’d provide for a friend.

Self-compassion is consistently correlated with a wide range of measures of emotional well-being, such as optimism, life satisfaction, autonomy and wisdom, as well as with reduced levels of anxiety, depression, stress and shame.

To achieve these benefits, self-compassion must include three components:

— MINDFULNESS: To be kind to ourselves, we need to know that we’re struggling while we’re struggling. It helps to name the emotions we’re feeling in tricky situations and to ground ourselves in the here and now (sensations, sounds, sights).

— COMMON HUMANITY: Most of us tend to hide in shame when things go really wrong in our lives. The antidote is recognizing our common humanity — understanding that many others would feel the same way in similar situations and that we’re not the only ones who suffer in life.

— SELF-KINDNESS: This can take many forms, such as a gentle hand over the heart, validating how we feel, talking to ourselves in an encouraging manner or a simple act of kindness such as drinking a cup of tea.

Even though self-compassion is not the default option for most of us when things go wrong, anyone can learn to do it. Begin by acknowledging how you feel, naming the emotion in order to manage it.

Next, acknowledge that others would probably have similar feelings in this situation. Consider any examples you know of others in similar situations.

Finally, express kindness to yourself. What would you say to a friend in your shoes? Also, think about how you care for yourself already. Do you go for a run, pet your dog, call a friend? If you do that when you’re suffering, that’s self-compassion.

Being self-compassionate doesn’t imply that you shouldn’t be ambitious or push yourself to succeed. It’s about how you motivate yourself; instead of doing it with blame and self-criticism, self-compassion motivates like a good coach, with encouragement, kindness and support. It’s a simple reversal of the Golden Rule: We should treat ourselves as we treat others in need — with kindness, warmth and respect.