We are products of our environments; our families, our schools, our friends and anywhere we spend a significant amount of time with people. As such, statements like “An apple does not fall far from its tree” and “Show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are” are not farfetched.
The behaviour that human beings exhibit is a reflection of the way we are brought up. When adults of today say one or two things about the way they were brought up, we should ponder over these stories they tell about their strict grandmothers, loving fathers, protective siblings, abusive relatives, absent parents, bullies, authoritarian schools etc, and understand how their influences form these people’s characters.
People are born with personality, but character is learned (of course with the exception of those who have inherent psychological personality issues). Adults therefore need to understand that children are impressionable and while they are young (especially in their formative years), it is important to ensure that the right approach to raising them is taken.
In past generations in Nigeria, the parent and community’s (teachers, churches etc) method of upbringing was pretty much authoritarian. Adults from about age 45 and above today were brought up in what they would describe as very strict traditional households, where as children, they were only allowed to speak to adults when spoken to, and sometimes discipline involved physical measures or other means which, today could be viewed as extreme, dramatic or even incriminating.
The products of this generation seem to have turned out okay in their lives and careers in general or at least on the surface. However, as a result of the negative sentiments from their upbringing, when many members of this generation started to breed their own offspring, they desired a different approach, which would be less impersonal and more lenient.
There are various approaches of bringing up children, and psychologists have classified this into four categories.
Authoritarian: demanding of children but not responsive to their needs;
Authoritative: demanding of children and responsive to their needs;
Permissive: not demanding of children but responsive to their needs; and, Neglectful: as the word literally describes, neither demanding nor responsive.
Leniency here ranges from authoritative to neglectful, and we should always question the extent to which our approach is because it eventually has a direct impact on children’s character. Parents, educators and other adults who come into contact with children also have to be smart to tailor their techniques to their children, as children have different personalities and some require a little more discipline or authority than others.
This is important because if we do not quite get it right, there are certain negative traits that children will begin to exhibit and these might follow them into adulthood. Some of these include a sense of entitlement, impatience, lack of respect and lack of independence, etc.
This matter of bringing up children in today is however far more complex than it appears on the surface.
With global consumerism trends, wealth becoming more of a materialistic venture than a dignified status, the influence of the West, reduced amount of time parents get to spend with their children due to longer working hours, women spending more time at work and hours spent in traffic in cities like Lagos, it really is tough these days. However, in order to ensure that our children are sufficiently equipped to survive as effective adults, we need to put in their right effort towards their upbringing.
OYIN EGBEYEMI
