• Sunday, December 10, 2023
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Still on oddities, laughter and related matters

Still on oddities, laughter and related matters

In my last intervention, I tried to divert attention from our grievous existential challenges, which have become the new normal under this next-level government. I do not know to what extent I succeeded but I just want to update that piece before going back to outstanding, unfinished, serious businesses.

For a start, I forgot to tell you that by being a Cardinal, Peter Ebele Okpaleke (whom the white-man called Oku-pal’eke) is now a Delegate as he becomes a member of the conclave, whose responsibility it is to elect the Pope. Of course, this is not the type of delegate-ship through which I had hoped to hammer in 2022.

Nigerian delegates receive obscene amounts, are often cheated by the agents, operate under fluid rules and opaque processes and their delegate-ship lasts for a few hours, once every 4 years.

On 5/5/22, a group of security-conscious bandits arrested a local thief, and handed him over to the community leader, who handed him over to the security personnel

Peter Cardinal Okpaleke is a delegate for life, the rules are cast in stone and he has to pay for it determination, commitment, obedience and studiously maintaining a delicate balance between ‘being in the world’ but ‘not being of the world’ (Jn. 17:14-15). Once more, I am ‘tuale-ing’ for the latest global delegate!

The latest magician in town, Malam Adamu-Adamu, has announced that the ASUU strike would end ‘this week.’ I have already parked my things and rejigged my mind and body for the madness that will follow!

On 5/12/13, the APC blamed the government for the ASUU strike by failing to ‘confront the key issues in university education and administration,’ and advised Jonathan and his PDP clique to ‘show leadership by working with the lecturers to find lasting solutions to the challenges confronting university education.’

Today, this same APC has been engaged in Maradonic negotiation with ASUU since 2017, signed several MOU, MOA and MOL (Memorandum of Lies), set up two committees, which reached agreements in 2021 and 2022, and discarded those agreements and serves the public a menu of uncouth under-the-belt propaganda! And the great BAT, who was the chief APCian then is today seeing ASUU as unreasonable for continuing the strike.

The Chairman of Committee of VCs of Nigerian Universities, Professor Edoumiekumo has accused the government of supporting the Bokoharamist agenda by the disdain with which it treats tertiary education and ASUU demands.

Meanwhile, a government that is so broke that it can only afford extra N60,000 monthly (or is it annually?) for professors has just increased the per-diem for public servant. For Ministers and PerSecs, it increased from N35,000 to N80,000, and from N20,000 to N70,000, respectively. Jigawa State has disbursed N193 billion to lactating and pregnant mothers within 7 months (about N28bn monthly); a very impressive record in governmental humanitarianism!

We have also been informed that if not for this compassionate government that retained subsidy, fuel should be going for circa N440/litre and that most of the stolen crude is stored in churches and mosques.

Crude oil is shipped in very large ships; how do the ships berth in church compounds and what quantity of crude a mosque can contain? This is as the Ministry of Petroleum (OMB is still the minister) and the Nigerian Navy (PMB is the Commander in Chief ) have openly disagreed on the quantity of oil stolen!

We have also learnt that about $3.3 billion (real dollars) worth of crude was stolen in the 14 months, ending March 2022; 95 percent of oil from Bonny axis is stolen and that refinery utilisation in Nigeria is the worst in OPEC at 1 percent with Libya, Angola, and Congo at 25 percent, 50 percent, and 85 percent, respectively. No be juju be that?

Meanwhile, some mischievous but serious-minded fellows have revealed that the earnings of Messi and Ronaldo from running around the pitch once in a while are higher than the budgets of Osun and Nasarawa states, both with a population of 7.2 million as at 2016.

Why single out these two states for such an embarrassing comparison and why 2016 figures in 2022? Well, my welcome quiz for my students whenever we resume is: planning without statistics is the same as planning with stale statistics: discuss with local examples!

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One Mrs Joy Sunday of Akwa Ibom State has conspired with some rascals to kidnap her husband because he denied her sex! Shoo? And in a related development, Esther Kalema, a prostitute in Lusaka, has sued her married client, George Mulenga for impregnating her and demanding K500 monthly maintenance allowance.

The man agreed ‘doing’ with her but that it was pure business and that getting pregnant was not a part of her job description! The case is still on but if he pays her a maintenance fee, will she now be on exclusive retainership or will she still be servicing others? Don’t ask me about what madam has done or will do on this matter.

And then, 40-year-old superman has created records for marrying 15 wives and manufacturing 108 children as at present, with 15 of the wives are simultaneously pregnant! As you already know, wonders will never end and there are more and new wonders everyday.

On 5/5/22, a group of security-conscious bandits arrested a local thief, and handed him over to the community leader, who handed him over to the security personnel. The bandits reminded the thief that stealing was criminal and to thank his stars that they did not execute him there and then! That was in Kastina State!

As students are striving to make the best of this compulsory holidays, an unknown female student has gone online to showcase how her backside has become more gigantic, rounded and enticing than it was before the strike! What a dividend of ASUU strike! Her main concern is the shape and size of her backside! Anyway, different strokes for different folks. People react differently to spousal betrayals.

Some men go violent and some women even go deadly by dismembering the offender’s manhood. Well, a man has just done it differently. He waited for the lady to travel and then donated all her personal belongings to charity, cancelled the rentage of their apartment and relocated to another apartment, somewhere else.

Meanwhile, Niger State is beating its chest that it has ‘only 4000’ unqualified teachers. With this number of unqualified teachers, how will the state prepare the youths for the future? How can the teachers give what they do not have? However, the compassionate governor said he would not sack them, but give them another opportunity.

But how did 4000 unqualified teachers find themselves into the system? And just as I was rounding off, I just learnt that an unemployed graduate has stormed his almamata (LAUTECH), returned his certificate and demanded a refund of all the fees he paid. Desperate times demand desperate measures!

Next week, we MUST return to the serious issues calling for attention.