After concluding my write-up the previous week, I had planned to focus on ‘beyond the elections’ for this week. It was meant to draw the attention of the Atikulators or the Change-masters on the issues that they had to face for the next 4 years. My friend, Magnus Nmonwu had already provided me with a good background to the studies. I based my plans on the promises of INEC, which had in 2015 promised to improve on the previous electoral experiences and as at bedtime on Friday, 15/2/19, had assured that there was no shaking! But lo and behold, INEC met at in the middle of the night and served us with a bitter dish of poorly explained, disgracefull and embarrassing postponement. The fact that they met at mid night, when witches, wizards and senior spirits do their things actually foreshadowed the postponement and its calamitous outcomes. It was a typical thief in the night scenario. I would have interrogated this matter this week but because of the high level of uncertainty that currently pervades the land, nobody is sure of anything and it is not normal for an elder to start chewing a piece of meat that is not yet done. But there are other interesting and related issues and one of them is the sale, and of course, purchase, of PVCs. Nobody can sale if nobody is buying, unless we do the usual Nigerian magic in which people are charged for offering bribes without anybody charged for collecting the wetin-call! I had offered to sale my PVC, then called voters card 9 years ago ( Ik Muo Voters Card for Sale, BusinesDay, 5/4/19) but the bidders were not serious. Now that the 2019 election is in the injury time, and despite the fact that PVC sale has been classified as a criminal enterprise, I am boldly re-offering my PVC to desperate and loaded politicians. I am making it public because I want to optimise the deal, garner enough to enable me retire and live on comfort for the remaining 30 years of my life, together with my beautiful wife and for extraordinary children( who by the way, are adults now).
Ezeodojili is a masquerade in Igboukwu who carries ‘remote-control’( charms et al) in the forehead (while others hide theirs in every imaginable and unimaginable places). The reason (as explained in tongues understood only by fellow spirits and the initiated) is that everyone should carry the consequences of his action mis-actions and inactions-with his head. Today, I am in an Ezeodojili mood; for while others a selling their PVCs in secret and both the buyers and sellers are busy denying, I am announcing to the whole world that my own PVC is for sale and to do so in a well-organised transparent manner, I am calling for Expressions of Interest(EOI)from the general public so that the bidding documents will be dispatched accordingly.
Why do I want to sell my voter’s card? The same reason why others are selling theirs! Because my economy is not very buoyant, because the dividends of democracy have become limited to the Daura and Bauchi axis; because all the promises by politicians remain unfulfilled, and because this is the only time the politicians will listen to anybody. You see how they have been pretending to be humble and friendly, visiting everywhere-including government rejected areas- shaking hands, jumping on Okadas and taking photographs with anybody and everybody. So when I tell them the unique value of my PVC, they will play ball, either because they believe it or out of desperation, because once you are desperate, everything looks real and possible. The key reason is that all the trillions coming to the Federal, State and the Local governments have not impacted on me or my area. In the past 25 years, I have resided at Dele Orisabiyi and Samuel Ekunola streets, both in Okota; you can go check them out as at this morning. There is no government water, hospitals, or schools (for the whole of Okota); the street bears the resemblance of a street due to self efforts, and for light,(as epileptic as it is) the transformer is also self generated. At the federal level, it is the more you look, the less you see and I believe that if we have been sharing the raw cash in the past 20 years( 1999-2019, I would have been better off than I am now. Don’t tell me that certain things are better done collectively and that I benefit from the ultramordern bus terminals (which nobody knows how to use) or from the impressive Okota-Amuwo way. In this clime, we think of the direct and personal; not the collective.
Anyway, because of the reasons above, I am offering my card for sale. I have perused the advice of all the parties to the offer on what it will cost to take care of myself until year 2050 because by then, we will be living in heaven on earth (even when there are no serious coordinated efforts in that direction). Being patriotic, all my estimates are based on Nigeria; I don’t intend to check out-and be insulted by Trump! For my transportation needs, the current presidential jet supported two small helicopters for local runs and 5 armoured vehicles will do. These amount to N25bn. For accommodation, N500m(less than what government officials spend on furnishing) and 10% of that for annual maintenance; medical-N500m (retainership with Reddignton hospital for self and immediate family); feeding and personal comfort, N50m monthly(very meager compared with the NASS and Presidency figures); education; N225m for the best universities and post graduate studies at Lagos Business School for my four Kids. I will take care of other items not listed here because I don’t want to frighten the potential bidders with an intimidating price tag. The above totals N37.5bn which we can round up to N50bn.
Why would people be willing to pay N50bn for this particular voter’s card? Well, you note that this offer comes just before the rescheduled presidential elections and it is indeed, for the presidential candidates. Money is not a problem both for the incumbent and the aspiring candidates. There is so much money flowing around and we have budgeted N8trn for this year( don’t ask me when the year starts to count)! N50bn is actually a petty cash especially, given the ‘definite capability’ of this my card to deliver
It is not just that N50bn is petty cash for a potential Nigerian president; it is the fact that whoever my card is voted for will win! That is a sure banker. Paul the Octopus, before his unfortunate death, transferred his predictive powers to me. Thus, standing on the powers transferred and conferred to and on me by Paul the great, any candidate whose party symbol is impressed on my voter’s card will definitely win the elections. The only caveat is that it cannot be used twice and that is why I am offering it for the presidential elections. I had recorded some failures before in this predictive business. I had failed to predict that deodorant would be used for herdsmen and pesticides on IPOB; that my car’s engine would knock along Sagamu-Benin express way, that my landlord would increase the rent at a season I was down and out financially; and that my kids would leave home so soon and turn me into an adult house boy-serving myself! But this one-on presidential elections-is 100% guaranteed.
And as a proof that this is serious business, I have engaged two high profile consultants to manage the bidding process on my behalf. These consultants are technically sound and of undoubted integrity. They are Professor Mahmood Yakubu of INEC( wey no fit do ordinary elections) and Mr Magu, the acting-permanent chairman of EFCC. Interested parties should send the technical bids to Professor Yakubu and the financial bids to Mr Maku through www.troubledoncome.com The hotline for this auction is 080419419419 and all documents must be received within 48 hours……. How does the successful bidder recover his investment after the elections? Just record it as petty cash, security vote for madam or as the accountants would say, pre-incorporation expenses! May Saturday( 23/2/19) come and go in peace; may a definite result be announced, and may it reflect our aspirations.
Ik Muo, Ph.D, Department of Business Administration, OOU, Ago-Iwoye
Muo.firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com , 08033026625;