Parenting in these times

John had gone to school in the UK and returned with a wife. That was not part of the deal when he was going. He contacted no one back home and had a court ceremony.

His wife who was 18 years old at the time had never been to Nigeria. By the time they returned to Nigeria, there was a one-year-old between them. The cutest blue-eyed boy with curly locks you would ever see. But John’s wife had dropped out of school because she was not coping with school and the pregnancy. They are now back in Nigeria, a baby, a 19-year-old wife and 24-year-old John without a job.

John’s parents have been looking after Mr cute blue eyes, the wife and John and they too struggle being both retired. In the middle of all of this, there are bitter quarrels. John’s wife is white and walks around their home half-naked, watches TV all day long and wakes up at noon demanding breakfast from her mother-in-law who has spent all day cooking and cleaning. Mrs John does nothing and complains when there is no cereal and no light. John is gone all day and returns tired and hungry. His father thinks he may have thrown his money in the drain by sending John to school abroad.

Our job in today’s world is to pay attention to what our children are not saying and who they are keeping company

So there you have it. Parenting is hard these days. Our children feel some self-entitlement and sometimes Parents in my generation wonder if giving kids the best school is a crime. There are shouting matches between parents and children and these days children confront parents with issues of can’t you see I am an adult and other related issues like I have agency; it is my life.

The yawning gap between children and their parents in technology, in emotions and all other related things is insane. Children feel stultified by their parents and parents feel frustrated by children who talk back in less than respectful ways. In our traditional ethos, the saying amongst older people who have been treated well by young persons is the prayer from the older person that they too will be old one day.

A powerful soul-stirring, spirit-filled prayer. But we now have younger people who think respect for older persons is overrated. Young people never leave their seats in a public place for older people and refuse to defer to older people. Young people tend to be permanently angry with their parents and blame them for all their misfortunes.

It is important as we turn the tide of Easter and Salah to remember our faiths and what the good books say about caring for our children. Parents are to teach children good ways and respect, are to provide for them and are not to aggress them or cause them fear.

Parents are also not to spoil them so they can stand on their two feet tomorrow. Like I always say in this column, a man whose children duck under a chair is not a good parent. A woman who is abusive of her children is not a good mother. But in addition, a child must never descend to insulting their parents, calling them names and disrespecting them.

While most Parents have made the sacrifice and sent the kids to school, they also do grow up, you know. So yes, they may have an opinion too. It is always good to find out what that is and then reason with them, no matter how complex the issues are. Having a conversation with young adults is particularly difficult.

I understand that it can be difficult. A lot of times, they do not give us the chance to understand them. This can also be on our side too. Sometimes we shut them down and don’t listen. We are without a doubt family and must find a middle of the road agreement.

One of our greatest challenges as African parents is a cross cultural issue where some parents have sent their kids abroad and find that they have lost their children to other traditions. At 14 years a young person in America has his emancipation. He has a girlfriend or boyfriend known by the parents and is probably sexually active by 15 or 16 years.