I had recently visited a friend who was going through stuff with her husband. She had been such a bubbly person in school. When I visited, I found she was a shadow of herself.
She could not keep eye contact and would jump at the slightest noise. A door slammed would drive her to crouch. She looked twice her age and was unkempt. I could not believe who she had become for the two days I visited.
Her self esteem was out of the window. She did not even know who she was and spoke in a near whisper even though her husband had travelled.
She would peep through the window and reset the sofa throws “because that’s exactly how my husband likes it.” Control. Fear. A truly uninspirational marriage. More pointedly a very abusive marriage.
And what seemed to have consumed us all of last week and early this week was the gruesome murder of Deborah, accused of blasphemy
As a counsellor, I have met too many women physically abused who think they did something wrong that’s why their husbands hit them. It was their fault and they actually believe it. For emotionally abused ones like my friend, their spouse has been gas lighting them so long, they are now sure there was some offence they committed in another life they are paying for.
All of these are untrue. Violent and narcissistic men spend a long time feeding their spouses with stories of their fault lines, how they, the husbands are perfect, and how their wives are stupid and know nothing. This completely erodes the self-esteem of the wife who now feels valueless.
In between all of these, there are other controls going on and often times there is emotional and financial control. So as a wife abused, you cry a lot and hand over your earnings to a man who suddenly becomes your lord and Master.
He severest you from your family members. The abused spouse is now sworn to silence and encouraged to believe many women including that Aunty of yours who acts all holy is being beaten by her husband.
She is not going to tell you, he tells her. Let’s keep our secrets in our house. You know how much I love you. There is shame and fear, and she hardly shares. One day she turns up dead e.g Osinachi, whose husband is alleged to have been abusing her for years.
This is because a man who hits his wife is a coward and a sick man who needs help. Maybe his Dad used to beat his mum or he has an over-bloated ego or needs a slave. Time to run. Any sign of a red flag, you must start walking before it’s too late. Man who beats your wife. Here’s news for you:
1) Find your mate at a motor park.
2) Get help. Your frothing narcissism has destroyed your wife and your family.
3) By your action you are contributing to many more sad people in the world who can pick up a gun and shoot at innocent people in supermarkets.
4) You lied that you loved her then kept her under your control and she now has a mental health problem. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and it is affecting the children.
You are a sick man sir. Get help. Stop pretending to be alright. You are mean spirited, wicked and unfortunate. Get help and hurry before your stupidity consumes your entire family.
And what seemed to have consumed us all of last week and early this week was the gruesome murder of Deborah, accused of blasphemy. I have watched the horizon for condemnations and they have come from different sides of the aisle.
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Clerics of our largest faiths and some politicians including Mr Vice President. As the governor of Kaduna State has rightly observed, blasphemy is objectionable but self-help by a mob to snatch the life of another you did not create is totally unacceptable.
First it’s the blood from the nostrils, the bashing of heads, the pulp of bones and flesh, the delirium knowing its the end, the blood shot eyes, the shrill screams, the inability to scream, the silencing of the voice, the pain and then no more pain.
The race is over. Mangled blood, bones and skin. One man takes the life of another. Blindness… Silence… the olfactory senses are the last to go. So the victim hears everything going on until the last breath. For Osinaci. For Deborah. Its no way to die. And in Deborah’s case. Fire.
I come from a long line of moslems and Christians. My grandfather Alhaji Lawal, my Uncle Alhaji Ustaz Abdallah. My Dad true Catholic to the end. Our in-laws who are Priests. They all gave me my cousins and relations. A family of mixed heritage living in peace. We never disrespect each other.
As most Columnists have opined… Let those who have responsibility be allowed to deal with matters of faith. I salute governors who sued for peace and warned against protests and disruption of peace. We must be our brothers keepers.
And now the gas explosion in Kano, the corps member who was murdered in Abuja, the abductions on Abuja-Kaduna Road. Lord have mercy!
