• Saturday, December 02, 2023
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Lightening the mood: Laughter is still the best medicine

Nigeria’s “performance democracy”: Transcript of my keynote address (1)

In the recent past, we have been engrossed with some really BIG and complex terms: inflexion, Gerontocracy, Kakistocracy, Obiology and plutocracy. The mood of the nation is also grievous with inflation at 20%, 7222 killed and 3283 abducted in 7 months (recorded ones), unemployment and poverty worsening, corruption walking on all fours and the government appears helpless as Hon. Yunusa Ahmad recalled the roles of snakes, monkeys, and termites in this sordid affair and suggested that the only option is to consult the oracles, probably in all the geopolitical zones of the nation so as to give the fetish process, a federal character.

ASUU has been on with its love strike (started on valentine’s day, 2022) and the government does not give a damn as it has approved 33 private universities of late with bills for 63 public universities at the National Assembly. The strike is of course not surprising to the son of man because when the last ASUU strike was suspended on 23/12/20, I called on all stakeholders to prepare for another strike for the simple reason that this integrity-deficit government will NOT keep its promises since it does not know the principle, and importance of, DWYSYWD (Do What You Said You Would Do!) (Ik Muo, Musings on the latest (but not the last) ASUU Akshon, 31/12/20)

Still on the security operatives, the DSS in Owerri has just reportedly released two young ladies, Chidinma Oba and Chiamaka Okoro, (from Umutanze) who got ‘disfigured’ while in custody

The statements and ‘breaking news’ by people in government have also not helped matters. Dave Umahi, who is desperately seeking admission into our Old People’s Home (the Senate) has just declared that tertiary education is NOT for everyone but his son graduated from a foreign university. The ministry of agriculture spent N19bn for bush clearing and soil preparation during the Covid-19 lockdown era, a period during which the government also spent N500m on school feeding in just 2 states and Abuja.

The new improved NNPC spent N100bn on 4 idle refineries in 2021 while the fraud-infested fuel subsidy costs N18.4bn daily while termites have joined snakes and monkeys in the multi-billion fraud business, devouring N17bn vouchers at NISTF. El-Rufai, hurting from being schemed out of the APC presidential vice-ship, has informed those expecting a general uprising to perish the thought because Islam is against citizens protesting against the government. Our former comrade, Keyamo declares that ASUU is on strike because of PDP and that PMB has reduced BH to ‘almost nothing’ but Zamfara farmers are negotiating with bandits (younger brothers of BH) so as to live and farm in peace.

The APC Chair has also authoritatively informed us that the government could borrow to eternity and that the MM ticket is the most optimal for Nigeria of today. We are all dissatisfied but we have refused to be satisfied with our dissatisfaction in a situation in which ‘the government has unceasingly inflicted unbearable pains on the body and soul of Nigerians; the country is defaced by several gapping wounds and leaders appear not to comprehend the impact of Nigeria’s gapping sores’(Ada Muo, Ph.D.). Under this moody scenario, I have taken it upon myself to lighten the mood and infuse us with some doses of laughter because laughter is still the best medicine. I don’t know where and how to start but please take it as you see it.

Read also: ASUU: Cumulative strike days under Buhari now 584 days, longest ever

Years ago, when joke-making was not yet a profession, we had argued that drunkards always ended up in heaven because a drunk would always fail asleep, probably inside a gutter, and while asleep, he could not commit any sin and when the trumpet sounded, he would go straight to heaven. I remembered this story the other day due to a queer story from Japan.

The Japanese authorities discovered that its youths are sobber because they drank far less than their parents, which adversely affected tax revenues from beverages. The National Tax Agency is therefore strategizing on how to make drinking more fashionable and has asked the youths to design programmes to encourage their peers to drink more so as to rake in more revenue and also send more of the youth to haven!

The same Japan is also begging and paying its citizens to have more sex so as to have more babies because their fertility rate is less than 2 per woman, below the replacement fertility rate. I have advised the Japanese ambassador to Nigeria to berth some ships in Lagos, announce a come one come all promo, and they will get at least 12 million youths, within 12 hours, who are willing and capable of drinking and ‘doing’ more so as to solve these twin problems.

In a similar vein, Russia has resurrected the title of Mother Heroin for women who successfully manufactured and raised 10 children. The award which matures whenever the 10th child is one, is worth about $16000+ a 5 pointed star gold medal. But when our people from Imo State do this by igbu ewu ukwu (slaughtering a goat in celebration of the waist) for women who manufactured 8 or more, we term it a primitive culture!

In an unfortunate twist of events, a Ghanaian farmer, Kofi Attah, has accidentally cut of his testicles while he was dreaming about cutting (and eating) meat! Such a loving family man, dreaming of meat for family menu. This may have been caused by poverty or by people from the village. Sill in this strange world of ours, the late Nigerian Rapper, Dagrin, (Oladapo Olaitan Olaonipekun) who died on 24/2/10, has just been declared wanted by the Siera Leonian police for taking part in a violent protest in the second week of August, 2022.

The picture released was surely his and it is either that he reincarnated in S-Leon or that the SL police is also involved in this agelong practice of faking names and numbers to show that they are working.

In 2015, Thomas Ngcobo, a 40-year-old delivery man was declared wanted by the Mpumalanga police in S/Africa for diverting clients goods worth £1,000. On 15/8/22, he was arrested when he visited the Bethel Police Station to find out why his application for police employment was being delayed. I believe it was karma at work or the witches and wizards from his village. He has been unofficially crowned SA’s dumbest criminal.

Still on the security operatives, the DSS in Owerri has just reportedly released two young ladies, Chidinma Oba and Chiamaka Okoro, (from Umutanze) who got ‘disfigured’ while in custody. My questions then are: Did they release those girls because they were no longer guilty, or in exchange for the protruding bellies or to go and prepare for their traditional wedding? As you are pondering on this, angry kidnappers have called on God to punish a victim who paid the ransom with fake N5 million notes.

I sympathise with them but the issue is: who should the police go after? The kidnappers? The kidnapee who paid the ransom( it is now an offence to pay ransoms in Nigeria) or the person who manufactured and/or procured the fake currencies? My guess is that they will most likely start from the last option!

Sorry, I have exhausted the space allotted to me!