I should have been a delegate (or dollargate)!

I will start this intervention in a sober, regretful and apologetic mood because my prophetic and predictive credentials have failed me woefully; ‘they just fall my hand’! How can an economist, management consultant, banker, entrepreneur (who is supposed to be imbued with entrepreneurial alertness), management expert (who should readily discern the environment) and a Spirit who sees here and hereafter fail to see what happened just a few weeks after my well-received predictions? Who did this to me?

Is it my village people or my fellow spirits? Is it the witches and wizards who have suddenly populated our climes after they were cast out from various churches and covens? Why did I not see the party delegate-ship coming? I apologise to all those who had rated me highly as a prophet or who were misled by my prophecies!

A few weeks ago, I surveyed the environment and concluded that the surest way to hammer in 2022 was to join SARS (State Aided Robbery Syndicate), of which the DISCOs are the quintessence (Ik Muo; How to hammer in 2022: I will join SARS: BusinssDay;

Tola Adeniyi revealed that the decoration alone cost N2.5 billion but that was not where my interest was. My interest was on the Dollargates or Dele-Gates, who are now competing with Bill-Gates as the richest fellows in town!

That was after I had considered pastorship, masquerading, vintage homes, and even auctioning myself piecemeal. Later, I decided to join the presidential race, for which I have already made some significant milestones.

Somebody had offered to campaign for me free in the South-South and assured me of 5 million votes (Now that I am OBIdient, I have directed my self-appointed South-South Campaign Director to transfer my 5m votes to Peter Obi). The fundraising has been very impressive.

However, when I saw some contestants like the childish one from the Confluence State, the area-boy Governor from Rivers and his saintly brother who built a rail to Niger without any in the South-South (both of whom have not done anything beyond being in government in the past 20 years), some shaky grandfathers and several fresh EFCC alumni (class of 2021/2022), I started having second thoughts.

However, I just realised that I have wasted my 3Ts all along; I should have been a delegate! This is how I came to this sudden realisation. In 2020, OOU designed an online programme and I went to school, did the recording and on my way back, my car engine knocked… Just like that! I think it was the same people following me from the village.

The cost of a ‘new’ engine was N1m+ and thus I settled for my mechanic who assured me that it would be done. Sure, he did it but after two months, it developed another ‘small fault,’ which another mechanic worked on for almost two months and then, the engine collapsed again.

I called the original mechanic who worked on it again, and gave it a certificate of excellence. By then, my spirit had grown cold and following the increasing difficulty of travelling down East, I decided to sell the car, use the proceeds to buy another tuke-tuke to be domiciled in the East so as to avoid the need to drive home always (self-driven or driver-driven).

So, I asked the mechanic to take the car to Lagos because I had started doubting his competence. The day we went to Lagos (I went in another car!) I noticed that he was crawling and when I enquired, he said he was not in a speedy mood.

The following day the seller came to pick-up the car and discovered that the engine was sounding funny and when we checked, it had knocked again. I started another process of reclaiming the car, which lasted for months.

By the time I finished working on the car, I had invested more than the cost of a ‘new’ engine and I sold it for far less than what it had cost me to repair.

Where the story got interesting was that what I realised from the sale of my good old prestigious 4Runner could barely buy a keke (tricycle) not to talk of any type and grade of 4-tyred vehicle.

The exchange rate of the naira and the various charges introduced by the customs people have made it impossible for any vehicle to arrive in Nigeria for less than N2 million and thus, the cheapest new-old car in the market is about N2.5 million. I have combed all the nooks and crannies of Lagos, from importers to retailers and… no nothing.

In fact, the car-search and haggling got so much that the car-dealer had formed the habit of disappearing any time he sighted me approaching his office! You can then imagine my shock when I saw one Chief Agworo, whose latest occupation was ‘delegate,’ launching a Toyota Camry Spider in the Delta Axis of Nigeria the other day. The car currently costs about N5 million, depending on its age, grade and general neatness!

He was being celebrated by people whose future and fate he had sold to the highest bidder at the wholesale market at Abuja. And here I am haggling from one car-shop to another to buy any moving four-tyred contraption!

When Peter Obi withdrew from the PDP presidential primaries because it was not in sync with his persona and principles, I did not give it much attention. When Alhaji Hayatudeen withdrew because the process was obscenely monetised, I ignored it.

Even when somebody sent me the rantings of Oshiomhole, who declared that the previous primary in PH was dollarised, I was non-pulsed.

It was when I saw Chief Agworo’s party that I decided to take a closer and strategic look at what Tola Adeniyi referred to as Window Dressing@ Eagle Square by Abracadabra Patented Crooks and Provocative Devils Pandemic at Abuja, where election was through high-scale gambling with lottery tickets of N100 million apiece; where the delegates were influenced not by their hearts or brains but by monetised stomach infrastructure and where winners fate was decided by the fatness or otherwise of their vaults.

Read also: Nigeria decides: Delegates and the curse of pragmatism

Tola Adeniyi revealed that the decoration alone cost N2.5 billion but that was not where my interest was. My interest was on the Dollargates or Dele-Gates, who are now competing with Bill-Gates as the richest fellows in town!

It was then that I stumbled on a Sahara Reporter’s report that Nwike, the commander general of 101Waterfront Brigade, PH, spent N34 billion on his failed presidential quest out of which he invested N12 billion on delegates and N5.5 billion on PDP leadership.

The figures per capita for Dollargate procurement was quoted as between $25k and $30ks for the Atikulated fellow and $15k-$40k for Nwike.

One delegate claimed to have collected up to $100k (N60m)! It is good to note that Nwike has been a ‘government pickin’ since 1999, when he became an LGA chairman. So, where is the money from?

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