Be better: Tragedy of pretending not to understand

There is a certain strangeness amongst some people that befuddles me all the time. People who have a certain deliberate lack of awareness with a dose of pretentious forgetfulness. Those who are blessed with a level of intellect but who pretend that they are at sea in the middle of a well-worn incident or conversation that they don’t understand.

I have no doubt in my mind that you have met these sorts of people before: friends, colleagues, and even within your family. But for me, it’s either that these people are frauds or they have a certain mental illness unknown even to them. Truly, fraud, outright scamming, and deceitful behavior tend to define them more than any other description. How else do you explain a full-on conversation in the daytime, not even at night, where the other party either pretends it did not take place or tells you it was a completely different conversation? Narcissists do this, and these days it goes by the name ‘gaslighting.’ Psychologically, it is a range of different character traits, including deceit, manipulation, and, of course, the elephant in the room: lying and advantage-taking.

Only recently, I disengaged from a friendship in my spirit. We still say, “Hello, how is the family?” but truly, in my heart, I am done, and it’s unlikely that deep connections will return. I am very much like my mom, the quintessential Josephine Amodu of blessed memory. I act like I am unaware, but I am fully aware. I play along for a bit, but deep down, the friendship has evaporated. We stay polite with each other, but after a month or two, I pull out, and we just say hello. I am very invested in my mental health, so I protect it with all I’ve got. I don’t keep toxic people around me or people who are double-faced or highly deceitful.

So let me start with one of several examples. Let’s call her Madam Aquiline, because she has a pointed, in fact, almost pinched, nose. Slim and quite appropriate for her small face.

So she arrives in a community where I already belong. She reached out every week; the gathering was every day. So I brought her in; she wanted to know who was who and how she could participate more as a community member. She needed help, so I simply provided it. We became chummies. Ms. Aquiline wanted to know my designer, my tailors, where I ate, my favorite restaurants, and where I bought my shoes and bags, the whole enchilada. I was excited to show her my life, my space. We were six and a half dozen for nearly six months.

She followed me everywhere and attended several events with me. She could call me three times a day, with a question, an interest, or a want to be part of an invitation. I was also now part of her family events; I showed up. I was proud to join her. With my events, she was everywhere, everywhere with me. I had gained a friend, OR so I thought.

This was all six months until the end of 2025. So from June to December, we were peas in a pod.

Come February, I did not recognise Ms. Aquiline. She was acting as if she had never met me. Really?! Her wave was now half-mast, and her greeting was now a grunt instead of warmth. I gave it a chance for one month. We kept it polite, and I moved on. What happened? I can’t answer that question, but let me make an attempt.

I thought over it for a while and concluded it was one of two things.

One, that I had been used under the aegis of friendship and subsequently dumped. Ms. Aquiline was not really interested in friendship but in how she could access my network, and after gathering intelligence, she moved on. I am usually able to tell when someone is taking advantage of me. It’s a gift. But this time, Ms. Aquiline flew under the radar and blindsided me.

My second thought, as it often happens with me, is that someone has spoken untruths about me, and she has bought it. But were we to be honest, if that were the case, our six months together should count. But I am speaking from a soft spot. Are we not talking about her now? Clearly, I did not know her well either, even though I thought I did.

Only recently, a colleague in the industry was welcoming a son-in-law. A wedding was in the offing. I gave gifts of water packs and cash and promised to pay for a certain number of small shops. These promises were made in the physical. He had visited us with his wife where these promises were made. My spouse was present.

A week before the wedding, I delivered on my first two promises. Two days before the wedding, I asked where the chops were to be delivered. He asked me, “What chops?” “No, we did not have that conversation,” he said. Never did! Ah, Bon! I was stupefied.

Something is definitely in the air. And I have known him for 30 years. What are your thoughts? Send me an email: [email protected].