A lie is a lie, white or otherwise

Integrity can be defined simply as moral soundness, character and honesty but to further enrich this definition permit me to add credibility, trustworthiness and consistency. I came across a wonderful definition by John Maxwell which really hit home and it goes like this:

“Integrity commits itself to character over personal gain, to people over things, to service over power, to principle over convenience, to the long view over the immediate.”

Contrary to popular belief, character isn’t formed during times of crisis. It merely comes to the fore at such times. Your past actions and inactions mould your character over time and come to a head when you find yourself under pressure. The pressure just brings out what’s already in you. For a man who has spent the better part of his life cutting corners, lying and cheating to get ahead, what do you think his default mode will be when faced with a crisis? Of course it would be to lie and scheme his way out of it. “Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way” said the brilliant mind called Aristotle.

Integrity needs to speak even in the little things and that’s why my wife and I as a matter of principle have always tried to avoid telling our children “white lies”. We do our best to avoid travelling that all too familiar road of telling our child that if she stops crying we will give her sweets when we get home if we know very well that we don’t have any sweets at home. We won’t promise to buy our son that latest Fifa game that he’s been pining for if he passes his exams if we know that we won’t be able to do so at that time. Yes, they may not like it but the result is that they can go to sleep on anything that we do promise them. They know our ‘Yes’ is ‘Yes’ and our ‘No’ is always ‘No’ because over time we haven’t given them any reason to doubt us. Don’t get me wrong, children deserve to be rewarded for doing good(even if it’s not all the time as sometimes it should be reward enough to know you’ve done well) and we do that too where necessary but we just believe it’s dishonest and deceitful to promise something you have no intention of doing even if it’s to a child. In fact, especially to a child.

“For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of man.”
– 2 Corinthians 8:20

I think it’s common know that children copy your actions and not your narrative therefore lecturing them about honesty and the need to be forthright on one hand and then telling them ‘white lies’ over and over again on the other hand only teaches them that that is the way to go. Deceit is obviously the best way to get what you want in life.

“Your reputation and Integrity are everything. Follow through on what you say you’re going to do. Your credibility can only be built over time and it is built from the history of your words and actions.”
– Maria Razumich-Zec

That’s why the Bible says in 1 John 3:18, “Let us not love with words of speech but with actions and in truth.” Those white lies you tell your child over time gradually erode trust and confidence in you because sooner or later the child will come to realise that she can’t take you at your word.

Oladapo Akande