Marriage: A cultural imperative

Have you seen a lady who wore a long, drawn and forlorn face on her wedding day? And bride – grooms were always in a buoyant mood on the days they took their wives to the altar. Marriage is a thing of joy. Newly married couple would start a family. They’ll breed children, and raise them up under their guidance. The joy of a man watching his son or daughter growing up is inexplicable and boundless.

So, almost all ladies feel happy and extremely joyous on the days their marriages were solemnized. They did laugh heartily or even raucously, and swayed beautifully and seductively to the music played on their wedding days. In Africa, especially in the south-East of Nigeria, parents consider the marriages of their children worthy of celebration. Are old maids and ageing bachelors not viewed with disrespect in Nigeria? More so, politicians with failed marriages occupying exalted political offices are said to be unsuitable for such high positions on account of their troubled marriages. Here in Nigeria, scaling the marriage hurdle has become a cultural and social imperative for people who want to gain acceptance in the society. It seems to me that being married is a sine qua non to gaining entrance into the club of responsible and law-abiding people.

But what is marriage? The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English defines it as “the relationship between two people, who are married.” Until now, marriage was seen as a union of a man and woman. The legalization of same – sex marriage has altered the definition of marriage. Nowadays, in Europe, America, and South Africa, two people, who belong to the same sex, can solemnize their union in a church. People who traduce same – sex couples are called provincial people, who are with homophobia. Our sexual preferences, behaviour, and orientation have fallen under fundamental human rights. But the sight of a man smooching another is preposterous in Nigeria. Same-sex coupling is frowned upon in Nigeria. The Abrahamic religions – Islam and Christianity – and the African traditional religion take a dim view of homosexual act and lesbianism. Whether it is a learned behaviour or genetic is immaterial to its staunch opponents.

In the traditional African societies, we have closet gays and lesbians, no talk of them publicly declaring their affection to their partners. Same-sex coupling is criminalized in Nigeria. People caught in the act are vilified and visited with punishment. So, in Nigeria, when marriage is mentioned, the image of a man and a woman living under the same roof comes to mind. As Christianity had dislodged the African traditional religion in the south – east of Nigeria, they’re practicing monogamy. But, in the Moslem – north, polygamy is practiced.

A man’s performance of the marital rites for his wife marks a watershed in his life. People get into the marriage union for diverse reasons: chiefly to ensure the continuity of their family lineage and sometimes for companionship. But do Africans who are gregarious in nature marry for the reason of companionship? Do they need wives who will be their confidantes? More so, in order to satisfy their sexual cravings and avoid promiscuity, people marry. Yet, nowadays, many married men and women indulge in extra-marital affairs without having moral compunction and the prick of conscience. The wedding ring on the ring finger of a woman confers respectability on her. She waves it to show her marital status. But African men marry chiefly to beget children who will perpetuate and carry their names into the future. People who are married are treated with respect in the belief that they are responsible people.

But now, owing to the harsh economic realities existing in today’s Nigeria, millions of people of marriageable ages are incapable of marrying. Since they graduated from universities many years ago, millions of Nigerians have not secured jobs, not to talk of those jobs being well – paying or plum. Can an impecunious man marry a wife and take care of her needs? In the south – east of Nigeria, especially in Abia and Imo State, prospective suitors are required to pay huge sums of money as bride price. The monetary cost of performing the traditional marriage ceremonies of a lady is huge.

In spite of the huge sums of money many men paid to formalize their marriages, their marriages failed. Our courts are filled with divorce cases. Nowadays, marriages collapse as fast as amoebae cells disintegrate. These marriages fail for diverse reasons, ranging from infidelity, insubordination, financial problem, to incompatibility. Although the Bible confers headship of the family on men in the marriage union, some women often strive to compete with men over headship of the family. This creates tension in many homes, and can lead to the separation of the partners or their divorce.

Again, nowadays, not a few married people have sexual liaisons outside their matrimonial homes. But not everybody can put up with the sexual indiscretions of his or her marriage mate. Some people opted out of their marital unions when they discovered that their marriage mates are past redemption. Again, in order to fulfil societal obligation and cultural imperative, some men entered into marriages with ladies who do not share their moral values and interests. Incompatibility existing between a man and woman is a force for the rapid dissolution of their marital union. Amos 3:3 says this: “Can two people walk together, except they agree”.

Two people with dissimilar moral values and interests should not be yoked together in the name of marriage, and keeping up appearances. If it is not working, one should take a walk. But as marriage has become a cultural imperative in Nigeria; and a certificate for entrance into the club of responsible people, many people allowed themselves to be stampeded into unhappy marital unions.

Chiedu Uche Okoye