The mood at “The Winking Crocodile” pub, arguably the oldest pub in London (but definitely the most ancient and modern in Chelsea) was remarkably sombre. As always, the owner of the pub, Donald Trump (pure co-incidence!!) was at his most welcoming best and ever so soliticious about the well being of the retired partners of KPMG who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension.
However, he insists that he is a publican but definitely not a Republican.
His family’s ties with KPMG have survived four generations – starting with Mr. W.B. Peat and Mr. Marwick.
He personally ushered us to the best seats in a special alcove he and his charming wife Janette had cordoned off. We go back a long way and we truly adore them. KPMG was formed in 1987 with the merger of Peat Marwick International [PMI] and Klynveld Goedeler [KMG] and their individual member firms. However, it was in 1911 that William Barclay Peat & Co and Marwick Mitchell & Co joined forces to form what would later be known as Peat Marwick International.
Thankfully, there is cheering news from the rugby field where a Nigerian, MaroItoje has emerged as a magnificent and sensational hero. He is on the front page of virtually all the newspapers and magazines.
“HARROW MARO GIVES WALES A RUGBY LESSON”
“They are already calling him Super Maro. A former Harrow (exclusive public school which counts Sir Winston Churchill amongst its products) pupil, Mario Itoje, played what rugby fans were calling the “game of his life” yesterday as England roared to a 25-21 victory over Wales in the Six Nations tournament.
It gave England the Triple Crown for beating the other home nations and edged them to the brink of their first Six Nations title in five years. They now have to beat France in Paris next Saturday to win the Grand Slam.”
We had assembled at the Winking Crocodile for breakfast before setting of for Cheltenham (Horse Racing) Festival which “The Observer” newspaper off mischievously describes as: “the mecca of National Hunt racing where chartered accountants and city types take time off from losing our money to waste a bit of their own.”
It is accompanied with a picture of the irrepressible Rich Ricci, the former Barclays banker and fancy-dress artist whose horse Anne Power won the Champion Hurdle on Budget day (the previous day) and raked in plenty of money for the punters amongst us – especially the Americans who wrongly believed that the horse was bred in the United States.
This is how the inimitable Claude Duval summed up matters:
“Annie got her gun – and shot down her championship rivals. Supersub Annie Power climbed off Willie Mullins’ (the trainer) bench to become only the fourth mare (as opposed to colts) in history to land the festival crown.
If Faugheen had been fit to race, Annie Power would have been winning the low key mares’ hurdle instead.
However, she justified the faith of owner Rich Ricci and jockey Ruby Walsh as she was parachuted into the big one. Walsh rode a sensational race as she broke the course record. He said: “I rode her like Jonjo O’Neil did when he won on Dawn Run”
A tearful Ricci said: “This was the dream. It’s special”
It reminded us of the witticm of Sir Ronald Leach who as Senior Partner of KPMG galvanized the entire firm at the Christmas Party held at the Savoy Hotel, London by declaring: “If your dream does not scare you, it is not big enough.”
We also have the good fortune of having with us our partner from Ireland – Seamus O’Donnel and his wife Nora. They breed horses and urge us to back only Irish horses when we get to Cheltenham. Seamus has been known to boast that anything he does not know about horse racing is not worth knowing. He has a truly hilarious story to tell about Shegar–an Irish-bred, English-trained racehorse and winner of the 202nd Epsom Derby (1981) by ten lengths – the longest winning margin in the race’s history. Two years later, on 8 February 1953, he was stolen from the Ballymany Stud, near The Curragh in County Kildare, Ireland by masked gunmen and was never seen again. The incident has been the inspiration for several books, documentaries and a film.
Anyway the drive from Chelsea to Cheltenham in an air-conditioned five-star luxury bus was really super – plenty of champagne and excellent canapés. Cheltenham is in the Cotswolds which is undisputedly the most breathtakingly beautiful part of England and it is within shouting distance of Burford and Oxford.
At the racecourse we were ushered into the Royal Enclosure and one cannot resist the temptation to reflect that six decades ago, Lagos had a similar touch of civilization. Horse racing was flourishing at the Race Course and my dad Chief J.K. Randle was the Chairman of the Lagos Race (Racing) Club. The military came along in 1966 and promptly ruined everything. They turned the race track into a concrete parade ground and renamed it Tafawa Balewa Square.
It turns out that Irish horses, trainers and jockeys have turned up in large numbers as they always do at Cheltenham. Besides, Thursday is St. Patrick’s Day. Hence, we must rely on the legendary luck of the Irish.
There were fourteen Irish-trained winners at this year’s festival.
We already backed a winner Sprinter Sacre at generous ante-post odds of 9/2 for the Queen Mother Champion Chase. It was a great race.
We have decided to keep our powder dry and save our big bet for the following day when we plan to bankrupt the bookmakers who have adorned the fanciful title of “Turf Accountants”. Thanks to Seamus O’Donnel, we have a hot tip Don Cossack for the much coveted Gold Cup.
It turned out to be the winner. We, the retired partners of KPMG made a fortune without breaking any sweat. The horses, jockeys and trainers did all the hard work.
After the last race we headed back to our luxury bus.
To our utter horror and surprise, our bus was surrounded by several armed policemen with their walkie-talkies buzzing. What the hell was going on?
We were ushered into the bus and told to calm down. It was the Commissioner of Police, a stern-looking lady who informed us that the police had received credible information that our bus was about to be hijacked by robbers and kidnappers!!
We had no choice but to proceed to the secret destination which had been arranged for us instead of returning to London. Once we realised we were vulnerable, we became utterly fearless.
On arrival at the secret location, we were astounded by the magnificence and splendour of what was clearly a palace fit only for a king. We were given the full royal treatment – no expenses spared. In the grand foyer was a beautifully crafted but discreet warning:
“If you have to ask for the price,
you cannot afford it.”
It is just as well that we had done so well at the horse racing festival. We backed all the Irish-trained winners at the insistence of our partner from Ireland – Seamus O’Donnell.
The drawing room provided ample opportunity to catch up with the news – neatly folded newspapers and Country Life magazine.
As for radio and television, they were strictly confined to the Billiards (Snooker) Room and the Smoking Terrace.
Anyway, the bad news caught up with us as if to deliberately puncture our sublime bliss in the countryside. The headlines repeatedly proclaimed that Britain was in crisis – ranging from Obesity Crisis to the crisis of trenchant dilemma (whether to exit Europe or remain as an unwelcome guest).
Then there is also Tata Steel (the Indian company) threatening to lay off 120,000 workers at its Port Talbot plant. It is as good (or terrible) as closing down the entire town and not just the steel plant which is so critical to Britain’s industrial prowess and scorecard. The empire is long gone. What is left is a future of uncertainty. At any rate, under Prime Minister David Cameron, (according to Seamus O’Donnel) Britain has made it clear that it is bored with being a world power and would rather leave all that stuff to the United States of America. The other Donald Trump (not the bartender) has issued a red alert declaring Britain unsafe for Americans. According to him, its all there in the English newspapers and on BBC. Who would ever believe that “Jihadi John” was bred in London from a comfortable background? Apparently, he studied engineering at Westminster University only to end up as the master beheader for the ISIS (Islamic State in Iraq and Syria). The psychologists have been quick to deliver their diagnosis – the youth are angry, alienated and feel rejected. Britain has become the fertile breeding ground for narcissists and Islamic radicalisationists who are ready to die and bomb whoever and whatever from Paris to Brussels and Madrid (and back again to London). Who would ever have believed that an innocent soldier ………………………….could be hacked to death in broad daylight in Croydon, London of all places.
J.K. Randle
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