Help; My biometrics is finished!  

In the good old analogue days, when Nigeria was a giant with capital G and two solid legs, when N1000 exchanged for $1830 and when a plot of land sold for N5000 in most parts of Abuja, identification was a very seamless and stress-free affair. The request for identification was also very few and far in between, probably when one wanted to register the birth of a kid, obtain a driving license or a Nigerian Passport ( some people call it international passport as if we have another domestic passport!).  It usually involved filling a distressed form (distressed from age, and multiple photocopying with a distressed photocopier) and supplying the scanty, requisite details.  And life went on!

Then, suddenly, technology went haywire; criminals became too sharp for comfort and technology-based governance became commonplace. People now need to have their biometrics captured so that their identities can be certified online real-time, 24/7. It had worked well and continues to work well all over the globe. But this is Nigeria, the country that owes its name to the fancies of a mere colonial mistress, made up of 300+ ethnic nationalities and whose exact population is unknown  and unknowable to anybody, including the National Planning Commission,  National Bureau of Statistics or the National Population Commission! And yet, we continue to plan; planning for an unknown number of people. Sorry for the digression.

Anyway, data capturing became an industry and took on a life of its own.  Every institution insisted on data capturing for every purpose and employed contractors and agents for the job. Those who did partial capturing now demanded 100% capturing and the process is as frustrating as one could imagine. The National Identity Management Commission captured before and then commenced another round capturing. Employers captured for staff identification and access to services and facilities. The banks captured, recaptured and eventually globalised the capturing in the form of BVN and put us through incalculable stress in the process.  There was even a war between the bankers and NIMC over who has the right to capture. But the other day, my banker, at the very branch where I did the BVN, said there was an error and that I should bring an ID card. I did the BVN in that particular branch, I have been their customer continuously for almost 20 years, and I was there live to cash a self-cheque but that was not enough; they demanded a valid form of identification! Of course I told them that I did not have any ID card, that even if I had, I would not give them and advised them to formally return the cheque. I will end the story there.

The Telco’s captured and kept on capturing until MTN landed itself into a pot of hot soup and started another round of rag-tag capturing. I have been captured by MTN up to five times and even the one I did in their Ijebu-Ode office in their latest capturing offensive was declared invalid by the same MTN. When I decided that I have had enough of their capturing, they offered me a soft-landing: doing it with the BVN. I believe that there were risks inherent in that but I shall leave it at that, except that I received up to 100 SMSs and calls over an issue that was settled and confirmed about 5 years ago. Vehicle licensing, insurance and drivers licensing are now subject to capturing. In the past six weeks, I have been a regular and reluctant guest at FRSC office, Ojodu, Lagos over drivers license capturing. The first day, I was told that I came in a bit late. The second day, I paid the required fees into the bank but the payment did not drop into the FRSC records. The third day, everything was completed but there was no network to operationalise the capturing. But I was captured in that same office for that same purpose about 3 years ago when this driving-license capturing commenced. So, why do they need to capture again? Why not collect the fees (it appears to be the key issue here), recall the biometrics from where it was warehoused and let the son of man go in peace? No, this is Nigeria and if you visit that office 30 times in a life time, you must be captured 30 times! And in a very unfriendly environment and with very non-compassionate staff!

Suddenly, states were caught in the capturing frenzy, a process that was started by Lagos, which even set up a Residents Registration Agency. NIMC also protested but that would not deter the ‘laweristic’ Fashola.  But not minding the arguments between NIMC and LARRA, I quickly complied. I did not want to be deported at midnight, dropped at Niger Bridge and in company of others who are not even from Anambra State. We were assured that we would receive a call to pick up the perfected card but years after I was captured, nothing has happened.  Anambra State followed suit but I could not make it, more so, as I did not know whether to register as a resident, an indigene or a just a full-blooded Nigerian. The Nigerian Stock Exchange had already done its capturing years back and just last month, the Nigerian Police commenced its own capturing for the revalidation of gun and tinted permits. Or new generation students, they have to endure multiple capturing, especially as they transit to the universities. They have to be captured for WAEC, NECO, GCE JAMB, Post Jamb and the university ID card, which may cost up to N10,000 depending on the greed of the university in question.

The way things are going now, I am afraid that it would get to a stage where Doctors and Pastors would demand biometrics before treating patients or before providing spiritual consultancy (they will surely continue to collect tithes without biometrics!). It may also get to a stage when my wife would demand for biometrics before we hold our board meeting (if you  don’t know what, how, when and where of the board meeting, you are on your own); my children may start asking for biometrics before they will follow my instructions; nze-na-ozo Igboukwu will ask for my biometrics before they revalidate my title; Idu Cabinet may request for my biometrics before admitting me into the palace for cabinet meetings; my students may ask for biometrics before taking my lectures( yes now, to be sure that the person teaching them is whom he claims to be) or the area boys would ask for biometrics so as allow me free and peaceful passage into my neighbourhood.

But the main issue now is that my biometrics has finished. They have been captured severally and they are tired of being captured. My fingerprints have refused to be further captured and my face has now become allergic to cameras, especially those queer looking data capturing ones. Probably, they took a queue from my spirit which had become completely pissed off with the deluge of capturing and rejected it long ago!  And funny enough, all those who captured the biometrics never released it thereafter! Are they expecting a ransom? But assuming I still have some biometrics to offer, the real issue is: where do all these biometrics go?  Who is warehousing them and who has access to them? What of the integrity of the process, the system and the warehouse? And how about the danger of what the big-book people call identity-theft? Anyway, I need not bother. Anybody looking for my biometrics henceforth has come late because my biometrics is finished; it is exhausted and is no longer available for capturing again!  But I will be kind enough to give them a list of those who captured it earlier and are still holding it hostage. May be, they will negotiate and capture from other capturers.

 

  Ik Muo