Why Her Majesty the Queen was not on seat

It was with barely disguised mischief and nuanced satire that Richard Quest, the anchorman of CNN’s “Quest Means Business”, announced at primetime as “Breaking News” that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of England, Scotland and Wales and one half of Ireland as well as the Commonwealth, was not among the Kings, Presidents, Prime Ministers, etc at the 29th May 2015 inauguration of President Muhammadu Buhari at Eagle Square, Abuja.  The camera deliberately zoomed in on the empty seat that had been reserved for the lady who is widely regarded as the “numero uno diplomat” in the world on account of her vast experience, tact and understated good humour combined with longevity.

However, not being on seat is a peculiar Nigerian variation of the English language.  It could mean that the Queen is in a different part of Abuja; or another town in Nigeria.  She might even be in the audience but seated in a different section of the square.  Indeed, it could well be that she was late (unimaginable) or did not bother to show up at all.

Buckingham Palace immediately issued a terse official statement: “We are not amused.” But that was not the end of the story. It suddenly acquired a life of its own.  Indeed, it went viral. Mystified Englishmen were somewhat puzzled when their wives phoned them in their office to enquire: “Are you on seat or have you run off?”

In next to no time, the airwaves and social media were buzzing with sly enquiries which hinted at concealment of vital information.  The more outrageous versions were on the verge of being very risqué.  In ancient times the offender would have been marched to the Tower of London and asked to choose between decapitation and defenestration.

The following day Buckingham Palace issued an official statement as follows: “Her majesty is deeply concerned that it has become necessary to make public her heartfelt excitement and happiness over the peaceful elections in Nigeria which is a formidable and worthy member of the British Commonwealth. Her majesty would have liked to be personally present to rejoice with Nigerians in celebration of the epochal event. Indeed, it would have been her last foreign trip. It is with the considerable reluctance that she has had to settle for Germany instead where both Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh have kith and kin.”

The statement set the media ablaze and Buckingham Palace was forced to issue yet another statement to the effect that: “Her Majesty has always had a keen interest in matters pertaining to Nigeria and indeed every other part of the Commonwealth. With particular reference to Nigeria as well as Africa in general, the statistics being churned out by the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund and the United Nations are truly frightening! Seventy percent of the population live on less than £1 (one pound) a day while youth unemployment hovers around 50 percent. The projection is that by year 2035, 174,000,000 (one hundred and seventy-four million) of their youth (between 15 and 35) will be looking for employment.”

Matters were not certainly helped when the British press led by “Financial Times” and “Sunday Times” went to town with the following report which caused a great deal of ripples: “FORMER GOVERNOR OF BENUE STATE (NIGERIA) ARRESTED IN LONDON FOR BATTERY”. The Nigerian High Commissioner in London Alhaji Dalhatu Tafida declined to comment on the sensational on-line story on social media. However, a spokesman for Governor Suswam denied the story in its entirety.  According to him, “His Excellency was not on seat at the time he was alleged to have committed the offence. Actually, following the end of his eight years tenure as governor of Benue State, he is no longer on seat.”

What followed on the following day, by coincidence, was the screening of a BBC documentary on the 1956 visit to Nigeria by her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and her husband The Duke of Edinburgh.  Over and over again the camera zoomed in on four-year-old Folasade, daughter of A. O. Lawson, the then chairman of Lagos City Council, as she courtesied while welcoming the royal couple with a bouquet of flowers.

As if to reinforce its long-standing relationship with the Colony of Lagos and Nigeria, Buckingham Palace went into overdrive to confirm the authenticity of the publication in the “Sunday Times” and “The Observer” about Sara Forbes Bonetta, the black girl who was adopted by Queen Victoria and was groomed at the palace by Her Majesty the Queen.

More revelations followed in the British press regarding the relationship between Buckingham Palace and Nigeria.  The ones that caught my eye were photographs of late Princess Margaret, the younger sister of Queen Elizabeth.  There she was attending a party at the residence of Nigeria’s first High Commissioner to Britain (or more formally to the Court of St. James), Ibrahim Abdulmalik Atta.  The party must have been at 15, Kensington Palace Gardens. Some of the faces in the grainy photograph were the children of the High Commissioner Muazu, Moshood and Sabiu, as well as their cousin Justice Mariam Aloma Mukhtar and their friends Anthony Ani, Segun Awolowo, Yomi Akintola, Tunde Edu, Tam Fiofori and Chike Obi-Rapu.

Buckingham Palace was not done yet. In its drive to polish Nigeria’s image, Her Majesty The Queen issued the following statement: “Nigeria deserves commendation for producing both the newly elected president of the African Development Bank (AfDB), Akinwumi Adesina, and the president of the African Export-Import Bank, Benedict Oramah.”

Perhaps it was by pure happenstance that the next day Prime Minister David Cameron without any provocation issued a statement denying that the British High Commissioner to Nigeria, Andrew Pocock, “was no longer on seat”.

Downing Street and the Foreign Office went to great lengths to emphatically assert that there was no truth whatever in the allegation being peddled around Whitehall and Fleet Street that the High Commissioner was reprimanded for being too hasty in congratulating the newly elected President of the Senate (in Nigeria), Bukola Saraki while the controversy over the process (and the disapproval of the majority party – All Progressives Congress (APC) was still raging.

As for the ex-partners of KPMG who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension, they could not but rejoice over the frenzy of nostalgia as well as the revelation of the connection between KPMG and Buckingham Palace/Royal family.

When Her Majesty the Queen telephoned Aso Rock to congratulate former President of Nigeria, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, for graciously conceding defeat, the answer she received was: “President Jonathan is no longer on seat.” Then the line went dead.

J.K Randle