KPMG first

The retired partners of KPMG who are still waiting for their gratuity and pension had been brainstorming all day on the fascinating theme: “KPMG FIRST” (Eat what you kill; and kill what you eat) at the newly opened Trump International Hotel at: 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington D.C. 20004 when the conference room and everywhere else started to “vibrate” on account of the massive influx of security men and women. It used to be a rather forlorn “historic federal old post office building” before being converted into a 263-room luxury hotel. With his usual bravado, Donald Trump had interrupted his presidential campaign (a break for commercials!) to issue a press release he signed personally.

“There is nothing like it (this sparkling new hotel) and we are so proud to have not only brought this incredible building back to life, but also to a position far greater than it ever was at its previous zenith. That is precisely what I intend to do with the United States of America. America First.”

The reconstruction/conversion took two years and Donald Trump was ecstatic that it was completed under budget and dramatically ahead of schedule. He claims he spent $200 million on it and he promptly claimed a $40 million historic-preservation tax credit in 2014. The five star hotel is strategically front and centre on Pennsylvania Avenue and it is within walking distance of the White House which is only six blocks away.

What had massively influenced our selection of the hotel as our choice of venue was the advertising trailer ahead of the opening of the hotel three weeks ahead of the presidential election:

“Win or Lose, Donald Trump is coming to Pennsylvania Avenue (with his new hotel). ‘’

The rest of the hype made it irresistible:

“The Presidential Suite is 4,000 square feet of pure opulence, with three bedrooms, a fitness centre, a butler’s pantry and a bathroom tiled with Calacutta Gold marble from an Italian quarry. Need a little more space? Then the hotel’s Trump Townhouse mightbe for you, with 6,300 square feet, a private entrance and a dining room that seats 24. The price starts at $18,750 per night, unless you want it for the presidential inauguration, when the nightly rate is $100,000 (with a minimum booking of five nights).

Even before the election, Donald Trump was already on to a winner. Really, he did look like a winner although this was a closely guarded secret known only to the retired partners of KPMG and Trump’s inner circle. CNN interviewer, Piers Morgan was really taken aback when Trump let the cat out of the bag. One of Trump’s flaws is his inability to keep secrets. He gushed: “Can you believe this Piers? I am actually topping the polls.”

Anyway, from the conference rooms, we were invited to the Presidential Suite to be welcomed by none other than Donald J. Trump. I cannot recall everything he said but he started off by reminding us that he had won the election by a wide margin, the widest margin in the history of American elections! Then came the bombshell – he wanted to thank us for coining “KPMG First” which was the inspiration for “America First.”

That was not all. He also wanted to thank us for the policy paper and strategy which we had delivered to his Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus.

The new President whole-heartedly endorsed our recommendation that the United States of America must be run as a business. It must make profits and thereafter declare the DIVIDENDS OF DEMOCRACY. No profit, no dividend! According to Trump, under Republican President Ronald Reagan, the United States of America had recorded enormous profits but the dividends were squandered by the Democratic President Bill Clinton. To make matters worse, Barack Obama had frittered away not only the previous gains, he had accumulated losses every year for eight years thereby leaving the United States of America vulnerable to a take-over bid by China.

He insisted that by the same token, African countries (especially Nigeria and Zimboda) must be compelled by the United Nations, the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) to understand that they cannot keep on piling up losses and expect to be bailed out. No more free lunch; nor breakfast or dinner. Donald Trump was totally unapologetic when he declared:

“Countries that make profits become wealthy and powerful; those which incur losses remain poor and corrupt, even when like Nigeria and Zimboda, they are endowed with huge natural resources – oil; gold; diamonds; bauxite etc. in addition to excellent weather with plenty of sunshine. That is what the rise and fall of empires and civilizations is all about.”

On 20^th January 2017, Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45^th President of the United States of America at the age of 70 but he insists that he is still roaring with zeal and energy to make America not only First but also Great. He made a point of quoting President Muhammadu Buhari who on becoming Head of State of Nigeria lamented:

“How I wish I became the Head of State when I was a governor (aged 33), just a few years as a young man. Now at 72, there is a limit to what I can do. Now we have invariably inherited all the problems, especially in the North East. The same vast North East State of which I was the Military Governor has now been split into six States: Borno, Taraba, Adamawa, Yobe, Bauchi, Gombe.

A generation has been denied education and health care. Infrastructure has gone. You can imagine what is happening in the high seas where up to 400,000 barrels of crude oil which we rely on is stolen everyday with the full cooperation of those who are supposed to protect it. The price of oil has gone down and 90 percent of the foreign exchange we rely on comes from that. So, you have to convince your constituencies that we have virtually arrived at the wrong time and that they have to temper their expectation with some justice towards the leadership.”

Perhaps the retired partners of KPMG should interject with a caveat in order to put the records straight. What we had actually recommended during the campaign was that Trump should bring his business skills to bear not only on his campaign strategy but also in running the government – a vast behemoth. That is not necessarily the same as turning the government into a limited liability company which is listed on the New York Stock Exchange!! Anyway, there was no stopping Donald J. Trump. He proceeded to roll out what he tagged:

To be continued…

 

Bashorun J.K. Randle, OFR, FCA