If you can’t empathize with your employees, you’d better learn to

CONNECTING

Empathy — the ability to read and understand others’ emotions, needs and thoughts — is one of the core competencies of emotional intelligence and a critical leadership skill. It is what allows us to influence, inspire and help people achieve their dreams and goals, which in turn makes us happier — and more effective — at work.

Many people mistakenly believe that empathy is something you’re born with or not. But it’s not that simple.

In fact, we all have the capacity for empathy. Neuroscientist V.S. Ramachandran’s studies have helped us understand that we have physical structures in our brains called mirror neurons that help us understand others’ experiences and feelings. When you walk into a meeting late where a heated discussion has been taking place and the hairs on your arms stand up, your mirror neurons are actually reflecting the feelings of the people present. You start feeling as they do — even though you just joined them and haven’t been involved in the fight.

We all know, though, that some people pick up clues well and others are clueless. Are they hopeless? Or is it possible to develop empathy? My answer to the latter is a resounding yes.

Developing empathy requires self-awareness, self-management, patience, endurance and lots of practice.

Here are a few simple things you can begin to do.

— OBSERVE, LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS: Pay attention to people’s body language rather than obsessing over

what you’re going to say next. This can be harder than it sounds, because you have to let go of the notion that you know what’s best or have the right answer.

— AVOID DISTRACTIONS AND TRY TO BE MORE FULLY PRESENT WHEN YOU ARE WITH PEOPLE: There’s always a deadline looming, a crisis to deal with or an annoyance to put to rest. All of this takes us out of the moment and puts us into a crisis mentality — just the opposite of what we need in order to build good relationships. It is tough to get out of this state, but one way is through mindfulness practices like deep breathing and meditation.

— STOP MULTITASKING: Multitasking is really doing more than one thing with less than your whole brain. If you are writing an email to one person while talking with another, neither one is getting the best of you. And at least one of them knows it.

By focusing on these practices, you set yourself up to learn the deeper behaviors required for empathy — to ask people for feedback about how they perceive you rather than assuming you know, to talk about how people feel rather than dismissing people’s emotions as irrelevant or unimportant, to make them believe you see them and that you care. People want to feel loved and appreciated at work. If you’re not giving them that, you’re not succeeding as a leader.