KPMG  (is there life on Mars or in Britain?)

Perhaps it was just pure co-incidence that for the entire weekend, both the print and electronic (not to mention social media) had been saturated with the latest galactic adventure – to discover whether water and the possibility of human beings exist on Mars.

After Earth, Mars is the planet with the most hospitable climate in the solar system. So hospitable that it may once have harboured primitive, bacteria-like life. Outflow channels and other geologic features provide ample evidence that billions of years ago liquid water flowed on the surface of Mars. Although liquid water may still exist deep below the surface of Mars, currently the temperature is too low and the atmosphere too thin for liquid water to exist at the surface.

What caused the change in Mars’ climate? Were the conditions necessary for life to originate ever present on Mars? Could there be bacteria in the subsurface alive today? These are the questions that lead us to explore Mars. The climate of Mars has obviously cooled dramatically. By studying the reasons for climate change on Mars, which lacks the complications of oceans, a biosphere, and industrial contaminants, we may begin to understand the forces driving climate change on Earth. As we begin to explore the universe and search for planets in other solar systems, we must first ask the question ‘Did life occur on another planet in our own solar system?’ and ‘What are the minimal conditions necessary for the formation of life?’

The planet Mars landed in the middle of immense public attention on July 4, 1997, when Mars Pathfinder touched down on a windswept, rock-laden ancient flood plain. Two months later, Mars Global Surveyor went into orbit, sending back pictures of towering volcanoes and gaping chasms at resolutions never before seen.

In December 1998 and January 1999, another orbiter and lander were launched to Mars. And every 26 months over the next decade, when the alignment of Earth and Mars are suitable for launches, still more robotic spacecraft will join them at the red planet.  The journey from Earth to Mars takes eight months.

These spacecraft carry varied payloads, ranging from cameras and other sensors to rovers and robotic arms. Some of them have their roots in different NASA programmes of science or technology development. But they all have the goal of understanding Mars better, primarily by delving into its geology, climate and history.

With the announcement in 1996 by a team of scientists that a meteorite believed to have come from Mars contained what might be the residue of ancient microbes, public interest became regalvanized by the possibility of past or present life there. The key to understanding whether life could have evolved on Mars, many scientists believe, is understanding the history of water on the planet.

As for the retired partners of KPMG who are still awaiting their gratuity and pension, we had hired a private jet and splashed the name of the firm we had served for over three decades without blemish on it.  We had a little problem – the authorities at Heathrow Airport would not allow the plane to land unless we removed the name “KPMG”.  The problem was how do you perform such a feat in the air (at high altitude) without crashing?  The alternative is to become a permanent airbone refugee thereby further complicating the refugee / migrant problem.  Anyway, we found a magical solution which we are not at liberty to disclose without the approval of KPMG!!  We changed the name to “X KPMG”.

As if to further compound our problems, as the plane was finally allowed to land, the pilot with considerable elan and stiff upper lip announced that the weather in London was dark and gloomy.

Matters look a somewhat hilarious turn as we went through “Border Control” (Immigration).

Obviously they are from Mars!!

The situation at the airport was somewhat chaotic on account of the overzealous paparazzi who had turned up uninvited to welcome us.

We simply ignored the hordes of pressmen and devoted our attention to retrieving our luggage especially the Louis Vuitton ones belonging to our spouses.  We were somewhat embarrassed to discover that KPMG had not arranged for us to be met by “Greet and Meet” protocol officers.  In the old days (under Sir Ronald Leach) this would have been handled with clinical promptness and discreet efficiency.    As you went past the barriers into the main hall, uniformed men carrying the KPMG placard would be there to welcome you and your spouse.  The limousines would be waiting and the drivers already knew at which hotel to deliver you – Claridges; The Savoy; or The Ritz.

Anyway, we now have to struggle with hailing black taxi cabs or Uber cars.  The Professor was right – Is there life in Britain?  Without any prompting, the cab driver was chatting away.  It turned out he used to be a chartered accountant!!  He was unstoppable.

“I make more more money now and I can choose when to work and when to just chill out.  No stress.”

He just would not stop blabbering:

“Yesterday, I had one of the retired KPMG partners in my cab.  He wanted to go over to the KPMG head just to collect his gratuity and pension.

He kept me waiting for six hours.  Afterwards, he turned up empty handed.  No dice.  He had no money and all his credit cards had gone kaput.  I had to choose between handing him over to the police or depositing him at Hyde Park so he could spend the night in one of the tents abandoned by Cartier.”

The Lord is always merciful and we must always give thanks.  In our own case, we had the good fortune to be able to pay the fare plus a generous tip thereby escaping being blacklisted by Simon Hinson-Jones, the black cab driver.

Our ultimate destination was the Ritz to be followed by a rendezvous with the other retired partners and their spouses at our favourite pub – “The Winking Crocodile” on King’s Road, Chelsea.   Cheltenham would have to wait until the following day.  The pub is the best place to listen to the Chancellor of the Exchequer deliver his Budget.  In the old days, KPMG used to provide us with special Luncheon Vouchers on Budget Day.  It was free and was enough for a decent lunch [Yorkshire pudding; fish and chips; meat pie; mashed potato; Cornish pastry etc.)plus a pint or two of beer. However, those in the Tax Department had to remain in the office and work all night.  By the following day KPMG would issue a concise summary together with comprehensive explanatory notes on the Budget that had just been presented to Parliament by the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Every year, the Tax Department delivered the goods.  They were truly amazing.  That is what earned them the sobriquet – the men from Mars!!!

J.K. Randle