Voter’s card for auction: Request for expressions of interest

This is the third time I am advertising the sale of my PVC. The first was on 5/4/11; the second was on 20/2/19, and here we are. Our people say that things get stuck whenever it gets to the third time or number 3. This third effort to sell my PVC was due to an unfavourable combination of circumstances, which made me doubt the usability and usefulness of my PVC. These circumstances are the procurement of PVCs at N70000 by people who should ensure that things are done rightly; the coercive registration of new members by the same horde; the perfection of defection as an election strategy; and the confusion amongst ‘senators’ who usually sit in the house of sin, whether to transfer or transmit election results in a country where bandits transmit their atrocities online and in real-time. I hereby publish the announcement of the first auction of my PVC, which I did on 5/4/11, showing that not much has changed since then. So, read on:

Ezeodojili is a masquerade in Igbo-Ukwu who carries his ‘remote control’ on his forehead (while others hide theirs in every imaginable and unimaginable place). His reason (explained in tongues understood only by fellow spirits and the initiated) was that everyone should carry the consequences of his actions, misactions and inactions on his head. Today, I am in an Ezeodojili mood; for while others are selling their voter’s cards in secret and both the buyers and sellers are busy denying it, I am announcing to the whole world that my own voter’s card is for sale, and to do so in a well-organised, transparent manner, I am calling for Expressions of Interest (EOI) from the public so that the bidding documents will be dispatched accordingly.

Why do I want to sell my voter’s card? The same reason why others are selling theirs! Because my economy is not very buoyant, because the ‘dividends of democracy’ have become limited to father, mother, sons and daughters; because all the promises by politicians remain unfulfilled; and because this is the only time the politicians will listen to anybody. You see how they have been pretending to be humble and friendly, visiting everywhere – including government-rejected areas – shaking hands and taking photographs with anybody and everybody. So when I tell them the unique value of my card, they will play ball, either because they believe it or out of desperation, because once you are desperate, everything looks real and possible. The key reason is that all the trillions coming to the nation, the state and the LG have not impacted me or my area. In the past 16 years, I have resided on Dele Orisabiyi and Samuel Ekunola streets, both in Okota; you can go and check them out as of this morning. There is no government water, hospitals, or schools [for the whole of Okota]; the street bears the resemblance of a street due to self-efforts, and for light [as epileptic as it is], the transformer is also self-generated. At the federal level, it is the more you look, the less you see, and I believe that if we had been sharing the raw cash in the past 12 years, I would have been better off than I am now. Consequently, I am offering my card for sale. I have perused the advice of all the parties to the offer on what it will cost to take care of myself until the year 2020 because by then, we will be living in heaven on earth [even when there are no serious coordinated efforts in that direction]. For my transportation needs, the type of jet they just bought for the president last week will do, together with two small helicopters for local runs and 5 armoured vehicles. These amount to N25bn. For accommodation, N500m [less than what Etteh used to refurbish her official residence] and 10% of that for annual maintenance; medical, N500m (retainership with Redington Hospital for self and immediate family); feeding and personal comfort, N50m monthly [very meagre compared with the National Assembly figures]; and education, N225m for the best private universities and postgraduate studies at Lagos Business School for my four kids. I will take care of other items not listed here because I don’t want to frighten the potential bidders with an intimidating price tag. The above totals N37.5bn, which we can round up to N50bn.

Why would people be willing to pay N50bn for this particular voter’s card? Well, you note that this offer comes just before the presidential elections, and it is indeed for the presidential candidates. Money is not a problem for either the incumbent or the aspiring candidates. There is so much money flowing around that Nigerians do not know how much they earn, and even though the world is in distress, the executive arm budgeted N4.2 trn, while the National Assembly, out of their kindheartedness, added an extra N800 bn just like that! N50bn is actually petty cash, especially given the ‘definite capability’ of this card of mine to deliver.

But it is not just that N50bn is petty cash for a potential Nigerian president; it is the fact that whoever my card is voted for will win! That is a sure banker. Paul the octopus, before his unfortunate death, transferred his predictive powers to me. Thus, standing on the powers transferred and conferred to and on me by Paul the Great, any candidate whose party symbol is impressed on my voter’s card will definitely win the elections. The only caveat is that it cannot be used twice, and that is why I am offering it for the presidential elections. I had recorded some failures before in this predictive business. I had failed to predict that my car’s engine would knock along the Sagamu-Benin motorway; that my landlord would increase the rent in a season I was down and out financially; that my employer would become so miserly that salaries had become a big deal; and that my kids would leave home so soon and turn me into an adult houseboy serving myself! But this one-on-one presidential election is guaranteed 100%.

And as proof that this is serious business, I have engaged two high-profile, technically sound consultants of undoubted integrity to manage the bidding process. They are Professor Jega (technical) and Mrs Farida Waziri (financial). Send the documents through www.troubledoncome.com with the hotline as 080419419419! How do the unsuccessful bidders reclaim their money? Just record it as petty cash or as pre-incorporation expenses!

Ik Muo, (08033026625; [email protected])