I tell anyone who cares to listen that oyibo doesn’t care too much for “itiju” in his daily dealings. If he tells you today he will give you that business and then comes across someone who convinces him he can do it better, he will have no qualms in informing you that he can no longer give it to you and he’ll gladly explain why. After all, what matters to him is the quality of the job to be executed. Whether that should always be the only consideration is a discussion for another day.
Now let’s come to our people. Even when you’re a close friend or a relative, going by the potential helper’s thinking, it simply wouldn’t be right or fair for him to come out straight. How can he possibly tell you that he’s changed his mind? It’s not our way. No, it’s more kind to just ignore your calls. That’s a much “fairer” way of saying no. That way he’s giving you the chance to read his body language. Forever conscious of your feelings because he’s considerate like that, he opts to “tell” you gently. He has spared you the certain hurt to be inflicted if he was to say “no”. The more I ponder on this rather bizarre reasoning, the more I’m inclined to see it as a revised version of traditional African culture and convention, where men spoke few words but preferred to convey their messages through proverbs and analogies, leaving the hearer to unravel his thoughts. I may be wrong but that’s my take.
Whichever way one looks at it though, it’s not the fairest way to treat a human being like yourself. Remember, his feelings are just as real and germane as yours and that’s why it behoves us to always apply the golden rule:
“Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.”
If you don’t have the funds to give the person when he comes asking, then tell him so straight up. Don’t deceive him and waste his time by giving him false hope. You’re playing with his emotions. Dashed hope may just be enough to tip some others over the edge. It’s not smart and neither can you convince me you’re being cruel to be kind. It’s deceitful, plain and simple. And while we’re on it, you’re not saving face either. Is it the “itiju” of telling him that you can no longer do? Don’t deceive yourself, he will eventually find out anyway. So why not save him the heartache while also preserving your integrity, by simply telling him the truth. Fact is, your honesty is far more helpful to him and infinitely less damaging. That’s why a wise man once said, “First, lying corrupts the most important quality of my being human; my ability to make free, rational choices. Second, my lies rob others of their freedom to choose rationally “.
It’s quite sickening because there are some who even manipulate our “itiju” culture to play smart. They use it to serve their less than honourable intentions. Some will take something which may be considered negligible from you, by way of buying on credit and then count on “itiju” to prevent you from chasing them up for it. You know as well as I do that our culture, as it has regrettably evolved, encourages people to puff themselves up and pretend to be more than they actually are. Everyone wants to be thought of as a big man so the sharp crook banks on “itiju” to hinder you from chasing him up for something so small. Imagine if others should hear. Will they not wonder why a whole you is so cut up about such chicken change? That’s why when you do decide to chase the smart Alec up, his demeanor changes completely. He wasn’t expecting it. He thought he had got away with it. He who cannot pay, foolishly resorts to trying to ridicule you with his, “is it not only so and so amount?” If it’s so insignificant then why don’t you just pay the damn thing, as it’s obviously not insignificant to the person being owed!
Many crooks masquerading as big men in our society are guilty of this. They use their so called name and status to deceive and cheat others of what rightly belongs to them. Unfortunately, because of this same “itiju” culture, people would rather not expose their real financial standing thereby allowing the scoundrels to get away with it.
It would be foolish of me to say “itiju” doesn’t have any pluses however. For one, it operates as a check, restraining people from becoming pests to prospective benefactors. With a healthy dose of it, preserving one’s dignity quickly takes centre stage. It can also put a check on unbecoming behaviour. In fact without it, we would constantly be getting on each other’s nerves, as we would pay little to no attention to the other person’s feelings, circumstance or patience threshold; nor would we even care how we look in the eyes of others.
This sense of “itiju would have been so welcome in our political terrain where those who should ordinarily bury their heads in shame, arrogate to themselves the position of political commentators, advising the nation on best governance. Some fantastically shameless ones go further by presenting themselves as candidates for elective office. The icing on the cake is that many still receive support in large numbers!
After considering all the pros and cons of this peculiar national ethos though, my humble opinion is that our culture of “itiju” is less useful than it is harmful to us as a people. I also make bold to say that the cause of mental illness in our society is not always the excruciating circumstances but more often than not, the inability to seek the right help because of this ingrained culture of “itiju”. The Americans say, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” Well, I for one feel this one is broken, so please Nigerians, let’s fix it.
Dapo Akande
